Did my ex assault me or am I overreacting?

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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cart :  “ou don’t say that you said no, or pushed him off, just that you quickly hung up with your friend to accommodate him.  And then stayed with him another month.”

This tells me that you know very little about sexual assault. Or abuse of any kind. Hell, I guess it’s not abuse if you STAY with the abuser, right?! 

ETA: I feel like I’m in the ’80s reading this shit. “Did you say ‘no’? Did you fight back?” Gross. 

Post # 17
Member
437 posts
Helper bee

I’m curious what sunburn said?? Comment moderated ;(

Post # 18
Member
3151 posts
Sugar bee

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cart :  right. And using a troubled bee’s thread about a potential assault to announce your flounce isn’t the least bit dramatic…

Post # 19
Member
2885 posts
Sugar bee

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obviousanonymous :  I agree with you that people do stay with their abusers, and that in itself does not take away the abuse.

However, in this situation, OP had just had consensual sex, was cuddling in bed, and did not say no. What he did was wrong with his intent to embarrass her, but this wasn’t assault. 

ETA: OP, regardless of whether or not this incident would qualify legally as assault, you feel violated, and that in itself has meaning. I would seek therapy to come to terms with this and work towards closure, and I’m glad you’re in a better place now. 

Post # 20
Member
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

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knotyet :  “However, in this situation, OP had just had consensual sex, was cuddling in bed, and did not say no. What he did was wrong with his intent to embarrass her, but this wasn’t assault.”

I think part of the point is that abuse and assault exist in various forms–humiliation/hijacking or violating a person’s privacy is just one way. He chose this way in this instance. 

And again, a victim doesn’t have to speak the word “no” for assault to be assault. 

Post # 21
Member
2885 posts
Sugar bee

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obviousanonymous :  Legally, this doesn’t qualify as assault, based on what OP has shared. 

Post # 22
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t know if it was assault because that tends to be a legal term that can be very limited in what it encompasses.

It sounds like you felt taken advantage of, and that’s not okay. You should trust your gut, which seems to be telling you that it was wrong. I think you’re definitely valid in what you feel, 100%. It doesn’t have to be “assault” to make it ethically wrong. 

Post # 23
Member
2145 posts
Buzzing bee

Although this sounds uncomfortable, it does not sound like assault, unless you have left something out. You did not tell him no or ask him to stop, and it does not sound as though he coerced or forced you. It sounds like you were both in a consensual sexual relationship and he initiated sex at a time you considered inappropriate.  

A lot of times people attempt to be adventurous or silly when initiating sex. It is wrong to continue if your partner isn’t comfortable and makes this known. He attempted something you did not enjoy. He is far from the only person to attempt initiating a sexual activity while their partner was on the phone. I’m not making any judgement calls about that.

Now, my answer would change drastically if you told him you weren’t comfortable in any way, pushed him away, had any sort of previous conversation where you let him know you didn’t like this, were fearful of him, or felt coerced. Barring any of that it sounds like he unknowingly bypassed your boundaries and you gave in. I can totally understand why that feels icky, and would strongly encourage you to think about what you might do differently if something similar comes up in the future. I think there’s a lot of icky feelings surrounding this guy – and they sound justified – but moreso it sounds like you feel as though you weren’t heard, respected, or cared for. It sounds as though you felt you only held value as a sexual object to him and not as a person, and therefore what he did feels like an even more concrete example of that. It makes sense that this whole ‘relationship’ has made you feel used. I’m so sorry you experienced that. And you should know that you are NOT stupid. So many women have made mistakes like this – I know I have – and we all become wiser by learning from them. So use this opportunity to learn who not to date and what not to accept in a relationship. 

And again, it’s entirely possible that there is something missing from your description that could make this assault, but even if it isn’t I don’t think you should ignore your feelings or belittle them; rather it could help to spend some time thinking and identifying what you are feeling and why, and perhaps speaking to a therapist about it could help. I wish you lots of luck. 

Post # 24
Member
257 posts
Helper bee

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obviousanonymous :  I don’t really know why you felt the need to say that. Some of us don’t spend all day on this forum because we have things to do. Like being the primary caregiver to a special needs child.

Anyway, I agree with your POV on the situation of OPs assault. 

Post # 25
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

I agree with

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strawberrysakura :  

“you were both in a consensual sexual relationship and he initiated sex at a time you considered inappropriate.” You were horrified that he thought it would be funny to make you orgasm while on the phone with your friend.

Now you feel horrible about that entire six months on and off-again relationship. You allowed someone to treat you poorly while continuing to respond to his 3 am texts and continued a sex-based relationship with someone who did not respect you. The person you are now wouldn’t be in that situation. You have grown as a person and are no longer willing to accept that type of relationship! That is a wonderful accomplishment!

You are now in a healthy relationship and happy! I would not focus on the bad things in the rearview mirror. Your ex sounds like an immature fboy. You have now found your person so enjoy your healthy relationship! If the relationship with your ex is still bothering you talk to a therapist.

Post # 26
Member
1305 posts
Bumble bee

Doesn’t sound like assault to me…. sound like the timing of it (with the friend on the phone) made the OP embarrassed or potentially embarrassed. Guy sounds like a creep from all the other things that were shared, but the specific incident itself isn’t an assault in my view, anyway.

 

Post # 27
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

There are men who do rapey things, fully knowing they’re being rapey, because they find it hilarious to get away with stripping another human being of their comfort and autonomy. We have such a person on the Supreme Court.

I knew a guy whose best friend laughed and bragged about how he “almost raped” (his own words) a woman. That group of friends would push sexual boundaries with women and say things like, “She’ll enjoy herself eventually.”

Sexual assault does not require force to be assault. It doesn’t require a no or a fight back. At the very least, what he did counts as a battery, since he did it with the express of annoying, harassing, intimidating you. 

Whether you consider it assault or not, your feelings are valid. Don’t let this creep dictate your life or your self esteem. A predator will prey on whoever he can.

Post # 28
Member
2145 posts
Buzzing bee

I appreciate the OP mentioning that this could be a triggering post. And it is. I think most women have experienced some type of unwanted sexual contact or harassment. It’s extremely problematic and it’s important to be supportive. That being said, it’s also important to be clear what is and what isn’t assault, especially from a legal standpoint. It’s difficult to identify, because there are a lot of ways in which a woman can feel assaulted and unfortunately most of them have become so ingrained in our society that we don’t always realize what is and isn’t ok. I think it would be beneficial to have an open discussion about this. 

There are a lot of great people on these boards, most highly intelligent, insightful, kind, and helpful. I really appreciate so many of you. Which is why it saddens me to see so much attacking. We aren’t all going to agree, but we should at least be respectful of each other. For example, I didn’t read what sunburn  wrote, but she’s proven herself time and time again as a thoughtful person who gives good advice, for years. So if there was a misstep, I don’t think it’s appropriate to attack her by saying things like, “Oh well now you see how she REALLY is.” On the same thread we have someone saying that they aren’t comfortable because things are getting too dramatic. 

I know this is a really difficult time for a lot of people, and sometimes we tackle difficult topics here, but let’s keep this a safe, supportive space. My concern is that people like the OP won’t be writing in to ask questions that require sensitivity if they see that they might be opening themselves up to attack. 

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