(Closed) Did the MoH ask how much you could spend on bachelorette/shower?

posted 5 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

I’ve never been asked for a budget, but I’ve also never been told anything was required or mandatory. Usually the Maid/Matron of Honor (or whoever is planning the bachelorette) makes plans, and lets everyone know that they can come to as much or as little of the weekend as they choose.

Post # 3
Member
3954 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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Starfish55 :  In all but one wedding I’ve been in, it isn’t just the Maid/Matron of Honor who is planning things like the bridal shower and bachelorette party. The bridesmaids have typically all come together (in a Facebook group or Gchat) and, yes, budgets are absolutely discussed because we are all planning it together. If someone can’t afford to pony up $150, there’s no judgement and the bridesmaids either make up the difference or scale back to everyone’s comfortability. I do believe, however, that if you attend, you pay. That is just a general rule I tend to abide by, whether you are in the bridal party or not. I am attending a friend’s bachelorette party in a couple of months and I absolutely plan on paying my own way. If I couldn’t afford it, I wouldn’t go. 

With wedding, managing expectation is literally the only key to a smooth and happy experience. If everyone has the same understanding of things, like everyone’s budgets for something like a bachelorette party, while, fun, not necessary, then everyone will be happy. 

I should also mention that I am not for, nor do I think it’s appropriate, for ANYONE to plan an elaborate party/outing and expect others to foot the bill for it. 

Post # 4
Member
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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Starfish55 :  I’ve never been asked, but I’ve never been to one one where costs were high, so it’s never been an issue. I’ve been to a dozen or so bachelorettes (or hens’ nights as we call them here), and even accounting for inflation, I’ve never spent over $100 (in today’s money).

And I’ve never seen anyone come on Wedding bee and complain about being expected to attend a low cost bachelorette. The problems arise when there are high expectations and high costs.

Post # 5
Member
7 posts
Newbee

I’ve hinted at some bridal party drama. We had a group email thread going and the Maid/Matron of Honor was probably the least vocal of the group. After awhile of us talking about ideas and dates, she swooped in and was like THIS IS WHAT WE’RE DOING with everything planned out and telling us how much we all had to pay. I felt like this was really unfair because she planned it based on everybody attending every event…if someone chooses not to attend something, then the price for each of us goes up in some cases!

Post # 6
Member
7522 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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aussiemum1248 :  I am wondering if it is cultural as well. I have been in over 20 weddings and been a guest at many more and have never been invited to an extravagent hen’s. $100 is about average which includes chipping in to cover the cost of the bride. Most are just dinner and dancing or a winery day tour and once or twice male stripper revue that never costs more than $20 entrance fee. We also don’t have bridal showers where I am, just a kitchen tea with no gifts which is usually held in someone’s home with basic party food catering.

 

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Starfish55 :  I have never been outright asked “what is your budget” but it has been pretty organic with the group discussing options and agreeing to keep it affordable for everyone.

Post # 7
Member
13572 posts
Honey Beekeeper

I’m of the opinion that people need to volunteer, not be volunteered. Showers and bachelorettes are optional and not an obligation of the wedding party. It’s a nice, generous gesture, but still a voluntary one. 

Those who step up or indicate they want to be involved are then the host or co-hosts. They don’t get to impose on anyone else. Only after people have offered should they be consulted about their budget.

Post # 8
Member
30393 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

In every case in which I have been a Bridesmaid or Best Man or Maid/Matron of Honor, the whole bridal party worked together to decide our budget and make plans from there. Not once have we planned a destination event, other than where we were gifted the use of someone’s cabin at no cost.

When the guest list was expanded to include other friends, it wasn’t a problem, because we didn’t plan expensive events.

Post # 9
Member
19 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I was recently a bridesmaid in my friends wedding but I hadn’t met the Maid/Matron of Honor before although I knew the other bridesmaids (one of them is one of my bridesmaids) Everything was last minute and “up to the bride” which usually ended up in the Maid/Matron of Honor paying then asking for money after. The catch was that she would mainly ask me, I spent close to $400 while the other bridesmaids gave $150 when we all are on the same financial boat.

I would definitely put a budget out there or bring it up in some way. Chances are that the other maids are feeling the same way.

Post # 11
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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Starfish55 :  In most weddings I’ve been in this was the case, and expected in my circle. Everyone discussed budgets and what was reasonable/what they could contribute and decisions were made behind the scenes, with no dictation from Maid/Matron of Honor nor input from the bride (for the most part).

Two times this didn’t happen. The first was when it was three bridesmaids, and Maid/Matron of Honor who was very much younger sister of bride. She had very lofty expectations, but her sister, although my friend (sadly) wasn’t going to have many people attend anyway and her lofty/expensive expectations were squashed by the other three of us for more realistic goals. I think it all went over well, despite her attitude.

In a recent wedding a couple months back, I had been asked via text for a  large monetary contribution to a shower where I had no say or input. It didn’t go over well for me and a couple others. Perhaps it was how it was done in their circle, but I never experienced it.

I know for my own wedding and my best friends’ wedding, there were separate email chains where everyone exchanged costs and worked together (bridesmaids! not me, but my Maid/Matron of Honor told me she handled it that way).  

I still do not see how someone can lavishly plan and blindly ask other bridesmaids for money but I’ve seen it on the BEE plenty and I have now experienced it myself. I’m all for celebrating the bride and having a great time, but it has to be okay with everyone and discussed beforehand.

Post # 12
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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Starfish55 :  Side comment about your burnout. I feel you. The recent wedding 2 months ago turned out lovely, and I am very happy when all is finally said and done that I participated, but the way the shower was handled gave me months of anxiety leading up to it and then to the wedding. That was horrible. As was the other wedding in dealing with the young Maid/Matron of Honor. I had more stress for those moments than I did for my own wedding!

I have been in weddings (and gotten married myself) from as early as 20s to mid-30s as I am now. I don’t see it getting easier, because some people do have high expectations. I have had friends invite me to bachelorettes (not in their weddings) that were simple and they asked for minimal contributions and it seemed everyone had fun. Others were more than that, but nothing like what I have seen discussed on the Bee. 

My one friend has gone on flight-needed destination bachelorettes so many time I can’t even keep track of them. She told me she’s been asked on two more this year alone! I am in favor of one day and night out, or of a drivable weekend, trip at most. I don’t think I could ever justify a flight or super expensive location for a friend, even my best friend. (Unless I hit the lottery; still trying!) Driving and spliting costs of 2 nights of hotel rooms and keeping the rest relaxing and inexpensive is about all I would agree to. It’s a lot to ask of bridesmaids and they feel bad because they (hopefully) love the bride, but it’s also a lot of pressure and maybe they really can’t keep up with so many other life responsibilities and obligtations.

Post # 14
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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Starfish55 :  After saying my piece along with two other maids, (and probably being judged by them of course!) I ended up sending less (about $100-125 less) than the request saying that I apologized but that was all I could afford. (Which was true). 

I had sought advice here and many told me to not pay and to drop out, which part of me wanted to do bc it caused such drama and anxiety. But my Mother-In-Law is wonderful and for her to keep the peace, I just did what I could. No one ever asked me why I sent less, and I never heard about it again. The request was definitely out of my budget, but it was also not being consulted that hurt. (You feel like you are just there to pay a bill, not to have a say). So it was principle too. But mostly I-just-can’t-afford-it.

My advice. Make the best decision you can for you. In the big picture of life, a shower is an afternoon, a wedding is one day, and unfortunately it does seem to create so much unneeded stress and drama, sometimes unintentially. If it gets to be so much, don’t be afraid to speak up. It’s sometimes easier to do with friends (I didn’t know any of these girls in that last wedding), but again, sometimes it’s harder because you are expected to smile and shut up when it’s your closest friend.

I’m with you and wish you luck!

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