(Closed) Did things change when the marriage convos started?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@jpalm13:  For me it didn’t happen. If anything my SO was very open to us talking about the future which includes getting married. He has more stuff planned out than I do. Do you think maybe your SO argues because he doesn’t feel he’s ready to take that step yet in your relationship?

Post # 4
Member
30 posts
Newbee

@jpalm13:  Sorry, I can’t say that I can relate. THis did not happen with Fiance and I. When we started talking about marriage, he was open to it and told me how he felt and when he wanted to get married. He did not argue with me about it. The timing of the engagement started to get frustrating, but that was partially due to my excitement and impatience. I think most of us bees get impatient and excited when we know its coming and out anxiety causes some minor friction. Other than that, I do not think that marriage talk should cause arguments. It may mean that he is not ready and therefore uncomfortable discussing it.

Post # 7
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@jpalm13:  His behaviour seems really odd. He did ask you to look over it, so why would he get mad that you were making some corrections? Was he having a bad day or is he always like this?

Post # 8
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

@jpalm13: When I first came to these boards, I had just brought marriage up for the first time. It went over like a lead balloon. The next few times weren’t much better- and yes, it did cause more arguments about seemingly insigificant, unrelated things. I would think to myself when cleaning, doing the dishes and so on, ‘why am I doing all of these things for someone who seems determined to remain a boyfriend forever?’ It caused a higher occurence of snits.

That said, sometimes you just go through rough patches where you are both stressed out or in bad moods at the same time, and it has nothing to do with some big, underlying cause.

Long story short, we sorted things out and are on the same page, and he talks about it as much as I do these days. We’re also in a better place in our relationship- far fewer arguments. On one hand, I don’t think the two are related, and on the other hand, I’m much happier being treated as a future wife than a forever girlfriend. Sorry that I don’t have any advice about cutting down on the arguing, but yes, it does sound like it could be a stage. 

Post # 9
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

@jpalm13:  Okay, reading this post, I have to say this: it sounds like he was looking for validation rather than constructive criticism. Next time he asks for your opinion on something of that nature, let him know he needs to be prepared to hear both the positive *and* negative, not just what he’s expecting to hear. 

Post # 12
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

YEs we absolutely starting arguing (to begin with) when the subject of marriage first came up. Prior to that we were on a cloud in the honeymoon phase. Marragie discussions brought that to a screeching halt and caused actual arguments, we even spent a week apart at one point because Darling Husband was so determnined to not talk about it at all, meanwhile I was so resentful that I was devoting all of my time and energy into a relationship that was going nowhere.

I’m sorry to say that unless one of you changes your mind completely about wanting to get married, this most likely will only get worse with time. If you aren’t on the same page it’s like you’re butting heads – and this isn’t the type of thing that can be left up in the air for very long. For your sanity, I recommend that you have a serious talk and agree on a timeline to get engaged. That will lift some of the stress off your shoulders and you won’t be as snippy about other things.

Post # 14
Member
2949 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

No we didn’t start arguing but it did open up some issues that we had to talk through such as living together before getting married, finances, careers, children, etc but I took that to be a good thing. It meant that we knew what each other thought of different issues, we knew where we stood and we could talk about compromising now and ironing out any problems

Post # 16
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee

I’m sorry things got a little rough for you. Good communication takes practice and it’s even more difficult when you’re talking about subjects that could be sensitive – like marriage. I’m sure with time it will get better.

Honestly, talking about marriage opened up so many wonderful doors for us. Now, they didn’t all fly open at once. But our communication got so much better – we slowly got to a place where we felt very good about talking about absolutely everything. Not a single argument. And it helped define expectations, get us on the same page and allowed us to enjoy the relationship. Now, we’ve argued about non-wedding related things. But when it comes to marriage, talking about it has been great for the both of us.

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