Did we do the wrong thing? NWR

posted 2 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 16
Member
4541 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

These people are grown adults and should keep their relationship troubles to themselves. It’s not fair for Mother-In-Law to be guilt tripping the 2 of you from seeing yours hubby’s father. He is just as important in his life as his mother is. The emotions are high and raw and I would give your Mother-In-Law the space she wants. But I wouldn’t let her make me feel guilty for spending time with her ex and his new friend. Their marriage problems are their own; you can stay impartial and spend time with both sides. 

Post # 17
Member
2706 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Hmmm  “family” dinner with dad and his secret gf/mistress while brand new divorce still being contested by mom. Brother even calls to warn you  so can bail as he did. Yet you don’t….you meet, have supper/socialize w dads gf/mistress. (Understandably perceived as enemy by blindsided mom).  Yet you don’t know if you did something wrong/why mom is hurt, really? Smh

Post # 18
Member
7645 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

mrstodd2bee :  They’re adults and can meet whoever they want in private, especially close relatives like her Father-In-Law. I get that some people would think it’s too soon, so Brother-In-Law was entitled to his feelings and equally entitled not to meet.

The only problem is it wasn’t private because someone went and told Mother-In-Law about it. Which is why the person I’m most annoyed at here is the Brother-In-Law, assuming he’s the one who told Mother-In-Law.

Post # 19
Member
3347 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Divorce is always messy. Mother-In-Law will get over this but right now emotions are high. All you can do is apologize and move on.

Post # 20
Member
2706 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

aussiemum1248 :  no don’t agree with you given the circumstances and relationships. I agree with the many others on this thread that op and her husband were wrong…extremely hurtful to his mother. 

Post # 21
Member
47175 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Missing information sure doesn’t seem to stop some Bees from filling in the blanks themselves.  All we know is that Father-In-Law filed for divorce in December and the divorce was finalized last month.We don’t know how long the marriage was effectively over, lingering in name only. We don’t know why Mother-In-Law didn’t contest the divorce when she had the chance.

I don’t think you did anything wrong. I think Father-In-Law was devious in not telling you ahead of time that his girlfriend would be present, but if I were you, it would not have changed my mind either.

Mother-In-Law is expecting you to take sides- hers! No parent should ask their children to take sides in a divorce (ok I’ll add it before someone jumps on that statement- there are rare exceptions when there is abominable behavior, and I don’t mean being unfaithful).

Their marriage was between the two of them, so should be their divorce. Father-In-Law is still DH’s Dad, and she has no right to expect that relationship to be put aside in favor of her hurt feelings.

Post # 22
Member
9132 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

I’m pretty sure your Father-In-Law had this girlfriend BEFORE he filed and is just now starting to let her out into daylight. It be pretty remarkable to go through a divorce after 20, 30, 40 years of marriages, and then just happen to have a girlfriend serious enough to introduce to family just a few months later.

Which could explain your MIL’s somewhat over the top response. Just something to think about. 

Post # 23
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

Not saying it’s totally fair for you and husband to be put in a no-win position, but yes, you did consciously hid Father-In-Law girlfriend bit from your Mother-In-Law. You knew about the girlfriend’s existence weeks ago. You knew that Mother-In-Law is going to contest the divorce. Don’t you think that this bit of information would be somewhat important to her? If I were Mother-In-Law i would feel betrayed as well. I would never do that to my mom… I think a heartfelt apology is in order, and I am sure she will come around knowing that you or hubs did not intentionally hurt her.

Post # 24
Member
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m floored by how many people believe it is a BETRAYAL to refrain from telling your mother in law about her soon to be ex-husband’s dating status. No, wait. I’m floored by how many people believe they should/could/would meddle in their parents’ or worse yet, in law’s soon to be ex-marriage. 

 

NO. You did NOT do anything wrong. You should not have to tell your Mother-In-Law anything about your Father-In-Law. It’s a shame that ‘loyalty’ to her means gossiping, turning away from your Father-In-Law, possibly damaging your DH’s relationship with his father to not do the same with his mom…

IMO a PP had the perfect response and I’m paraphrasing now, but it was something like “mom, we don’t talk to dad about you and we certainly won’t talk to you about dad. If there’s anything that you need to know about him it’s best if you ask him directly.” 

And if she ever says anything to you guilt trip her right back by saying something like “it’s very painful for me to see how Darling Husband has burdened himself with your previous marriage’s problems ever since the incident. I know he loves you both very much and you will always be his mother and Father-In-Law will always be his father.”

Post # 25
Member
2706 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

MrsHarryDresden :  and I’m floored by those who believe it’s perfectly ok to dine with/ socialize with dads secret mistress/gf while devastated/blindsided clueless mom is still contesting their brand new divorce!

Mom is obviously reeling from everything that’s happening.   Clearly she feels hurt and betrayed by her husband of decades? and now her own child socializing with dads secret gf/mistress that she had no idea about!

Moms “guilting” her son and op  pulease.. they ARE guilty. Just imagine what moms going through. ..

Post # 26
Member
3005 posts
Sugar bee

Meglin :  Your Father-In-Law can choose who to socialize with; a choice  he evidently has made as he has a mistress. Conversely, you and your husband had the choice not to socialize with her. In this very unfortunate situation, I would have weighed things: decline to meet the mistress, Father-In-Law would be hurt. Accept the invitation and Mother-In-Law, who has already been betrayed by her husband, is hurt again, this time by her son and DIL, who by accepting to meet the mistress fail to acknowledge the world of pain she is going through. Which hurt is worse? I would think your MIL’s. 

Your Mother-In-Law needs loving support and loyalty at this moment. With this in mind, I would suggest that you and your husband show respect and solidarity with her feelings and communicate to your Father-In-Law that until your Mother-In-Law is in a better  place emotionally, you choose not to socialize with his mistress.

Post # 27
Member
1879 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Meglin :  My FI’s parents are divorced, and my Mother-In-Law and SIL do not speak. Recently, I was asked by my Mother-In-Law to tell her how SIL was doing regularly. I didnt know how to tell her I didnt feel comfortable telling her things about SIL, because she doesnt want any contact with Mother-In-Law. I finally had my Fiance tell her that I wasnt comfortable talking with her about SIL at all.

I think the same logic applies here. You and your Darling Husband are not carrier pigeons between two divorced parents. You do not need to tell Mother-In-Law everything Father-In-Law does. If Father-In-Law wants to tell Mother-In-Law something, he will. It is not your place to tell anyone. Mother-In-Law needs to cool her jets.

Post # 28
Member
11771 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Just to add, Mother-In-Law does not seem to have issue with the fact that you attended the dinner after being blindsided, more that you intentionally didn’t mention it.

Father-In-Law has gone public with the Girlfriend and is openly living with her. Sharing the information is not evidence of bias or interference. I’m not sure why you thought it had to be kept a big secret when it isn’t one.

It would be painful information for Mother-In-Law whenever she heard it. Personally, I’d rather it come from immediate family than some other way. I think this is quite different than ongoing gossip about their lives. 

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