Post # 1
Has anyone ever even heard of this concept before?
One of my close friends had been a little short with me lately so I called her one day to just see what was up. And she, with her voice crackling, admitted that she was angry and hurt that she had to find out second hand that I was getting married. I said “what are you talking about?! I called you personally and squealed about it on the phone with you and YOU were the one who couldn’t muster any excitement for me.” She replied that she had reacted that way because she had heard my news a day earlier from a mutual friend and she felt that she was closer to me than was the mutual friend and she therefore deserved to be informed first. I was in shock. I apologized to keep the peace, but I truly didn’t mean it. I thought she was being ridiculous.
FYI, she has not said one positive thing about my relationship or nuptials yet. She’s the main person I would ordinarily have expected to be a support system for me, but she gets so tense when I even mention FH’s name so I try to avoid the subject when talking to her. As I’m madly in love and wedding planning is consuming me, I tend to avoid her…which compounds the problem. Can anybody see where she was coming from and offer any insight?
Post # 3
I had a several people get upset with me because they found out about my engagement through Facebook. FH had told his sister first and she left a comment on my wall because she didn’t know we hadn’t informed everyone else yet. We didn’t have a particular order we were going to tell people in, but we did want our parents and closest friends to know first. Everyone else would hear eventually. One of my old friends (now we don’t speak) called me crying because I had told my best friend before I told her. At the point I got engaged, this girl and I hadn’t even been talking for a few months because she wanted my FH. So of course I wasn’t going to call and tell her first.
Honestly, I don’t see why she’s that upset. If she hasn’t had anything nice to say about your FH while you were dating, it’s logical to assume that she wouldn’t have said anything nice if you’d called her first to tell her you were engaged. She will get over it. I wouldn’t let it bother you.
You’re engaged! Enjoy it!
Post # 4
I am someone who is upset about the order an engagement was announced.
One of my sisters told my mother and our sister through text message. I didn’t get the same text. DH said to give her the benefit of the doubt and wait.
I did, and I heard nothing, until her mass announcement on Facebook.
When I found out I was expecting my 2nd, I waited to put it on Facebook until I was able to share the news with her in person, because I never would have made my sister find out something so big secondhand.
In your situation, however, I totally get not calling someone immediately who had been less than gracious about your Fiance. The fact that you called her at all is more than many would have done!
You already took the high road and apologized that her feelings were hurt, I don’t see that there is anything else for you to do here.
Post # 5
I’ll admit, I found it very rude when my cousin announced her engagement on facebook (did not call our family or grandparents), and later, when she announced her pregnancy and birth of her daughter the same way. Super, super rude.
However- waiting a day to call your friend? No big deal. I can see how she would’ve wanted to know the day of, but I don’t think it’s unreasonable that you took a day to enjoy your engagment, rather than spending it calling every single person you love. I think she’s being immature and is completely overreacting. It could be that she’s feeling jealous/insecure/etc and is acting those feelings out, unintentionally, through this.
Post # 6
@Quietserenity: I feel like that’s reasonable since it’s your sister.
I feel like parents, siblings, and grandparents should get a phone call before anything is posted on facebook. Maybe even a best friend or two. Everyone else can find out by text, facebook or word of mouth. My SO and I have talked about this and I’m going to call my parents and brother immediately. He’s going to call his parents, siblings, and grandmother immediately. (We don’t live close to our families, but if we did, I think we would try to tell them in person.) After that we’re sending out a mass text to aunts, uncles, cousins, and close friends and then changing our relationship status on facebook. My family is huge (about 45 aunts, uncles, and cousins on my side) so I’m definitely not calling them all individually, and I have never received a call about anyone’s engagement or pregnancy. It’s either a text or fb message, and I would say I’m very close with my family. After I get a text or see the fb update, I usually wait a day or two until the hype dies down then give the couple a call to congratulate them.
Post # 7
Everybody was mad at me because they found out on facebook.
I called my two best friends on the way to my parents house, told my parents, and then called my grandma. My grandma told her sister, who went ahead and posted it on facebook within two hours of our engagement, so we barely got a chance to tell anybody. DH’s parents don’t have facebook so we told them when we saw them for brunch the next morning.
Post # 8
After I got engaged, I immediatly went to my Mom’s to share the news with her. I then Skyped my sister who took the computer around the house so I could tell my Dad and Stepmom. After that, I posted on Facebook.
Post # 9
I think parents, siblings and grandparents should be told first and not through FB if you have any kind of relationship at all. But I think distant relations and only close-ish friends need to chill and understand you aren’t going to personally call all 1500 people you have ever been friends with to announce it.
Post # 10
I called all my family: aunts, uncles, cousins (we’re all really close) before friends (both sets of parents already knew). It was awkward though, because I’ve had a few childhood friends I’ve fallen out of touch with, and don’t plan to invite, call me and ask about wedding plans.
Post # 11
Thanks for your thoughts thus far. Actually, I told her among the VERY first. Even before my parents and other relatives. But she doesn’t know that because she’s so busy being hurt. And I’d like to help her feel better about the subject but it’s hard for me to indulge her because I honestly think she’s being a baby and I don’t have time for this.
@Quietserenity: I think I understand where you’re coming from. Essentially, she never told you. My real question: were you any LESS happy for her? Did you let your disappointment with the order/method of announcement prevent you from being the supportive sister she needed? Did you ever tell her how you felt?
@SouthernGirl: Funny you should mention that her behavior during our courtship should have foreshadowed her behavior during our engagement. She has a lot of man problems (in part because she is shrill, abrasive and over-emotional) and throughout our friendship, I could tell it hurt her feelings to hear that I was dating someone if she wasn’t. Once, with an ex, she told me that she “didn’t wanna hear it” when I called her in tears about a fight we were having. I didn’t hate her for that, but I realized that she’s not the go-to friend when it comes to man-stuff. So likewise, when FH and I got together, I wasn’t running to call her. The same is true of our wedding plans. Although both times I DID in fact inform her, and I did so hella early. Smh.
Post # 12
@Dialysate: Long sigh. It irritates me when people immediately jump to “oh they must be jealous” when they’re uncomfortable with someone’s opinion of/reaction to them. But in this case, I have to admit it crosses my mind from time to time. She has been a good friend over the years and I love her, but when it comes to relationships and careers (two things at which I’ve always excelled) she has not been able to hide the fact that she sorta would like to have my luck.
Post # 13
@Overjoyed: Actually, I’m not proud of the way I handled it. I AM happy for her, but it’s not like she knows that, because we haven’t spoken. No one deserves this more than she does, and I love her FI! Full disclosure–it’s not like she has tried to speak to me, and I won’t, she hasn’t tried to say anything to me. Maybe someone told her I was pissed. Maybe she just hasn’t thought about me at all. But no, I haven’t told her how I felt. If she called and asked how I was, or wanted to tell me about her wedding, I can’t imagine I’d say anything like your friend did to you.
Post # 14
@Overjoyed: I think we have the same friend. The only difference is several days before FH and I started dating, this girl was actively trying to get FH to sleep with her. So yeah, not going to break my neck to tell her about my happy news because I knew how she’d react. I do think that jealousy could be playing a role in her reaction too. If she’s having trouble with guys then she’s probably jealous that you have a stable relationship and she doesn’t.
Post # 15
@Quietserenity: I’m guessing your sister could use a heartfelt word and a big (physical or virtual) hug from you. You’re right, she may have heard that you were upset and not really know how to handle it. IDK your relationship, but if you’re close enough that you expect to have been told among the first, I’d lovingly recommend that you reach out and let her know that you support her!
Post # 16
After my fiance and I got engaged, I spent the evening sending out a bunch of texts to my family and closest friends to let them know. I guess I was kind of careful about the order in some ways (for example, my mom received the first text, then the rest of my family, etc.), but it was really just more important to me to make sure those people knew before I made any sort of Facebook announcement.
@Overjoyed: I honestly don’t think waiting a day to tell your friend (especially if you made the point of calling her) is a big deal. It sucks that your mutual friend told her, but that wasn’t your fault. I have to agree with some of the previous posters that it seems as though she may be having some feelings of jealousy. Especially since you said this: She has a lot of man problems (in part because she is shrill, abrasive and over-emotional) and throughout our friendship, I could tell it hurt her feelings to hear that I was dating someone if she wasn’t. Once, with an ex, she told me that she “didn’t wanna hear it” when I called her in tears about a fight we were having. I didn’t hate her for that, but I realized that she’s not the go-to friend when it comes to man-stuff.
I hope she can get over whatever issues she may have and be able to support you and your fiance. In the meantime, try not to let it get to you too much … I know that can be really hard, but the two of you should be enjoying your engagement!