Did you change? Is it a bad thing?

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 46
63 posts
Worker bee

TBH, I feel like the only way you guys can get through this together is with therapy. And a big part of the reason I feel that way is your husband’s behavior–the hurtful comments, personal insults, and unwillingness to compromise. If he’s refusing therapy, maybe that’s his cowardly way of saying he’s ready to move on. Because it really is akin to giving up on the relationship at this point. Be clear with him: therapy is going to be necessary to save your marriage. He needs to be honest about whether he’s actually interested in working on the marriage–the marriage to you, as you are right now, not some fantasy marriage to the person he thinks you were 5 years ago. 

I know you have basically no free time as it is (OMG know all too well), but I think you should seek out a therapist yourself. You still want to be with him, but you know you need to be true to yourself and that the way he’s treating you is wrong. That’s a lot of complicated emotions to deal with, all on top of a very stressful job. You really need an unbiased professional to talk to, someone that can hopefully help you develop strategies for getting through this trying time and coming out on the other side stronger and more self-possessed than ever.

Again, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You seem awesome, someone I’d want to be friends with and that is a very hardworking and considerate partner (I’m so impressed that you’re the one making plans for novel/fun experiences to ensure quality time together given everything else on your plate). But you can’t avoid the tough conversations right now, and maybe a little distance would be good to give you time to focus on yourself (meet with a therapist on your day off!) and your husband time to really confront the reality of the situation and think about what he wants. The status quo–you doing your best to make him happy while still being honest about what you want, him complaining about you and your marriage but refusing to do anything himself–cannot go on. 



Post # 47
767 posts
Busy bee

I’ve been with my husabnd for 20 years this fall. He’s not the same person he was back then for many reasons, and I’m not the same either.sometimes I miss the guy he was when we first met so much. He was more creative, had fun eaiser, didn’t worry as much. Now I’m the one that doesn’t worry quite as much and panicked about everything when we first met. Then other times I think of some of the things he did back when we first met and think ‘gee, was he a baby back then’ and am so thankful he’s the grownup he is now.

we went back and forth with the kids question even though when we met neither of us wanted to.

turns out we can’t have bio kids, but being foster parents is still on the table. I understand wanting to take time to a job and travel before you have child, many people do that. waiting to have a child is not ‘waisting your life’ Lost of people wait a bit and are happy they do. myself, it took me years to commit to getting a dog. maybe best to get some counseling on the subject to help. Wish you well! 🙂

Post # 48
240 posts
Helper bee

I’m not married, so take this for what you will.

Your husband sounds immature if his only interests are drinking and partying. You definitely sound like you have matured over the years, probably into a better person than you were before.

That being said, I do have sympathy for your husband. I understand people change, but I think there are certain things you agree on that you aren’t really allowed to change unilaterally. For example – I wouldn’t marry someone who said they didn’t ever want children, and I would be very ticked off if they changed their mind after we got married. Same with traveling – I have no desire to live abroad, ever, and that is something I’d make sure I agreed with potential husband on before we got married.

IMO you have to be willing to abide by some basic terms/goals you agreed to before you got married, and any major shifts of goals have to be mutual.

Post # 49
229 posts
Helper bee

I can totally understand. I met hubby (who is 10 years older than I am, so in different places in life) when I was finishing my master’s degree. Our first year or two were the wild/carefree years, but once I graduated and started on my career, things got more stressful. We even broke up for awhile, but got back together.

I don’t feel like I’ve changed much in the last few years, but DEFINITELY from that first year when i had no job, and really no cares in the world besides school. I’ve ALWAYS been a somber/stoic person who is far TOO mature to be fun lol…

In our situation, it was a little backwards though. He feels as though we SHOULD be changed now that we’re married, and should ‘feel’ married, but I feel the opposite. I married him because I liked how our life was, and life went on the same after we were married.

I think he is being a little immature. People DO change as they ‘grow up’ and settle into the long-haul of their life. I think him wanting you to be carefree is an immature thought. Who wants an immature, carefree spouse? Sounds like a rocky road to me…

On the ‘joking’ part though, I DID have to change a little for my hubby. I’m just a little TOO serious about everything, and had to learn to lighten up a little.

I don’t FEEL like I’ve changed much, but hubby told me just a couple days ago that ‘life has been much better since we’ve been married’. That I’m happier, more ‘wifey’ (not to be taken as ‘oh I became a housewife and know how to make the perfect sandwich lol’, and more laid-back. I don’t feel it, but if it makes him happy, and ME happy, then I’m happy. 

You really have to decide what is MOST important to you, and what will make YOU happiest. If he hates to travel, and you love to travel, is traveling alone an option (not ideal I know, but that’s how my parents do it and it works for them)? If not, do you want either of you to have to conform to each other’s boxes for the rest of your life?

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