Post # 1
A little history –
I have been with my fiance for 6 years. We started dating in college, we did long distance for a year and then he moved to the city I am in. In the past 5 years I have been able to get a job, get promoted a few times and make decent money. He has not. He has been struggling to find a full time job so he works at a coffee shop. This summer he got a job that paid him very well but unfortunately it was only on contract. He made pretty decent money so I thought ‘yes! He can finally afford to buy me the ring that I want’ and will probably ask in a year or so when he can put all the money together.
A few months ago he popped the question and it was the most unique and romantic proposal I have ever heard of (not only saying this because it happened to me – EVERYONE I know is pretty much in tears when I tell them). So, the proposal is great, im ecstatic, calling everyone we know, crying, SO happy. But…the ring. The ring. THE RING.
It’s tiny. It’s a cushion cut ½ carat so it looks even smaller than most shapes would look at ½ carat and I can’t stand it. The worst part is that he was SO proud of it. He designed it with his mom and sisters help. He went 3 different times to look at it and make sure it was PERFECT for me. It’s not. I had previously told him that when he was ready he should reach out to my bff who knew exactly what I wanted. He said he doesn’t remember me saying that and that it shouldnt be my bff choosing the ring. It should be him. He doesn’t understand that it was ME choosing the ring not my bff. Furthermore, he is upset because he knows the size bothers me. I have said that I wouldn’t mind paying the difference for the ring that I wanted but he is so heartbroken (and I understand) that he cant pay for it himself. We are clearly not a traditional couple seeing as I make more money than he does. We probably will never be a traditional couple because I will probably make more money than he does my whole life…that doesn’t bother me. What bothers me is having to give up the ring I wanted because in 6 years he was not able to come up with $4500 to buy me a ring.
Please spare me the “you’re materialistic”, “tell him so that he can find out what kind of person you are”, “it’s the thought that counts”, “you should be happy you’re getting married to the man you love”….blah blah blah. It’s not about that…it’s about having to settle for (wear and see) a ring for the rest of my life that I am not happy with. I have never asked him for ANYTHING expensive because this was the ONE thing that I knew I wanted that would break the bank.
Side note – He constantly would ask me – “does it bother you that I don’t buy you jewelry” and I would always say “No, because the ONLY thing I care about is my engagement ring…you can put all that money you don’t spend on jewelry for me on my engagement ring”…and he didn’t. He would always say “I know you want a big ring” and my reply was always “yes, I do want a big ring so please make sure you get me a big one”. That being said, I was never unclear about what I wanted.
So, my question here is – what would you do? Would you exchange the ring and upgrade it yourself? Would you live with it? Have you done something like this? Did you exchange your first ring for something else?
Post # 3
You can get a really awesome wedding ring and help pay for it and use the engagement ring as a right hand ring.
Post # 4
@cheapblingring: My fiance and I ended up going back together and getting a different ring because we both weren’t totally happy with the one he proposed with. You can always get a larger wedding band.
Post # 5
@thenewmrsmax: thats an awesome idea. I was also thinking of putting the diamond on this ring towards the one I want and putting a white sapphire (significatly cheaper) on the setting of this one so that I can always have it because to be honest I am attached to this one because he designed it but it just does not feel like an engagmenet ring to me.
Post # 6
I didn’t change mine, but if your FI is okay with it, I’d trade it in and pay for an upgrade!
Though it could be that you got a high-quality diamond, and that’s why it’s on the modest side of things size-wise!
Post # 7
Well IMO if you have to tell us what NOT to say to you, then deep down inside you feel that way about yourself. The man loves you he put all the time and effort into designing and picking out this ring for you that it shouldn’t matter that its not “big enough” “flashy” enough for you. The ring is a symbol of your love regardless of the size, cut and clarity. It sounds to me like you hold yourself high on a pedestal. The way you are coming across seems like you don’t have the best attitude about it either. It seems a little childish to me. I understand where he’s coming from when he’s saying that he wants no input and deemed to not ask your bff because it seemd that it was very important to him and near to his heart that HE pick it out just for you. If I was in your shoes, (which I never would be but i’ll hear you out) I would live with it. Because in the end, if my fiance gave me a 200,000 ring or one from a 25 cent machine I would love it because I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Its not about the ring its about the realtionship. Think about how much you would crush him if you upgraded it yourself, he’d be thinking hes not good enough for you and replacing the ring would just be very hurtful. Instead if you are really unhappy I would maybe get an anniversary band or something for your 1 year/5 year. Just my input. Seems like you guys need to work on your communication factor in your realtionship too, if you really want to..go back and speak to him throughly about why its upsetting you.
Post # 8
I am not changing mine but I also agree that if your FI doesn’t mind, then go for it.
Post # 9
I was in a very similar situation. I make more money than my fiance and at the time he proposed we were saving for a house and paying off student loans. He saved every cent of “extra money” (birthday money.. tax returns.. etc) for a year to pay for my 1/2 carat princess cut solitaire.
Is it as big as I wanted? No. Is it as big as the women I work with? No. However, he custom designed the entire ring very much like your Fiance and there is not a single part of the ring that wasn’t given thought to.
To exchange this ring, or express that I didn’t like it would have crushed my fiance, he was so proud of what he was able to give me. I think that returning or upgrading your ring might really hurt your fiance, so that is something to consider. I don’t know what is worse, you having to look at the ring every day and know it isn’t what you wanted, or how upset your fiance will be when you return something that he was really proud of.
In the end you know what works for you, but if I were you, I’d keep the ring and maybe get a blingier wedding ring as PP’s suggest.
Post # 10
I’d like to see the ring too! another note i’d like to add is if you can read this post to him, how do you think it would make him feel? not deleting anything you said, how would he react?
Post # 11
You basically told us not to tell you the truth.
He obviously put a lot of thought and effort into the ring if he designed it himself and kept checking back in about it.
I’d suggest getting a nice wedding band that makes you happy or getting a different RHR that you can appreciate
Post # 12
I don’t think there is ANYTHING wrong with changing or upgrading your ring in the future! I did! Recently my husband upgraded my engagement ring the ring I’ve been obsessed with for the last two years and I’m having my original wedding band resized to wear on my right hand. That way I have the ring of my dreams and also the ring he put on my finger at our wedding! Lots of feels when I look at my hands lol! Maybe that is an option to consider? It may be a good compromise since your fiance is attached to the ring. Definitely understandable because he put a lot of time into it which is very sweet! Good luck!
Post # 13
It’d be one thing if he didn’t put a lot of time and effort into picking out and designing your ring, but he did. I think it would be INCREDIBLY hurtful to basically tell him that this ring, the ring he put significant thought into, isn’t good enough for you.
Get an awesome wedding band! Maybe in 20 years or something think about upgrading, but for now, you’re not even married..I’d stick with it.
Post # 14
I would get a banging wedding band to go with it. Can we see a picture of your ring? They have 3 or 4 ct eternity bands that are amazing depending on what your ring looks like that’d be a great way to increase the bling!
Post # 15
@foreverlovex: I’ts not that I said “dont say this because I’m not xyz”. I like material things. I always have and I’m not ashamed of it. I havent ever required him to purchase me anything expensive but I KNEW that I wanted my engagement ring to be big which is why I never pressured him to spend uncessary money on me. I can buy my clothes, bags and shoes for myself. I’m not the type of girl that says to him “you HAVE to get me this 1500 bag”…I can buy my own things but I didnt expect to get anything less than what I wanted for this ocassion.
I asked to be spared of the judgement because right now I am looking for solutions not for someoen to criticize my wants and lifestyle and I dont believe that a ring is a representation of love. Our relationship is a representation of love. The ring is a piece of metal I have to wear every day for the rest of my life and I would like for it to be what I want and dreamed of. thats it.
but thank you for the 1/5 year upgrade idea. thats a good thougth as well.
Post # 16
@SunflowerGarden: yeah I’ve thought about that too but I really don’t want to wait 20 years for a ring that I would like to have now. I DO want to keep this ring but I also want the ring I’ve been DREAMING About for the past 2 years. Having to wait another 2-20 years sounds so frustrating. but thank you so much for your input. It’s super helpful to hear other’s experiences.