(Closed) Did you change your engagement ring?

posted 8 years ago in Rings
Post # 48
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Here’s my two cents.  

Regarding your point about, “I never required him to buy me jewelry before because I wanted a big engagement ring” is a bit unfair because no one is ever *required* to buy you a gift or to buy you a gift that you ask for.  It sounds like he put a lot of effort into choosing a ring he thought you’d love and that he got a lot of joy out of the process.

With that said, you have every right to be frustrated that he didn’t talk to your friend or listen to what you wanted.  And that ring setting is so high, I’d knock it into everything.  It would drive me crazy.

If your Fiance is okay with it, I think you should offer to help pay for the ring that you want.  I paid for half of my engagement ring and wedding band.  I earn more money than my fiance does but even if he made 3x as much as I did, I’d still want to contribute.  It’s going to be OUR money and OUR lives so why is it such a big deal to contribute toward a piece of jewelry that *I* wanted?  An engagement ring is an indulgent piece of jewelry and it seemed unfair to me to demand that my fiance fork over money he didn’t have to buy me one simply because he decided to marry me.  Fortunately, he’s a really progressive guy and didn’t mind sharing costs.  I really think you should explain to your Fiance (gently!) that the setting is lovely but a bit impractical for daily wear and that you had a specific ring idea in mind that would be a lot more practical.  Hopefully that will appeal to his sensibilities and he’ll be willing to meet you halfway.

Post # 49
Member
431 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 1993

I would say let the situation rest for a bit.  Don’t say anything else to him about it for a while and let him think about it in a less, for lack of a better word, pressure situation.  The ring is beautiful and it is style specific.  If you did anything to it right now I would get the setting lowered so it is easier to wear. Then, OVER TIME, gently suggest upgrading to a larger stone later.  Who knows, during this time period he may come around to your way of thinking on his own.  My DH does a lot better with new ideas when he thinks it is his idea to start out with.

Post # 50
Member
486 posts
Helper bee

@cheapblingring:  I know exactly what you are upset about but since it appears he would be hurt if you rejected his ring I really would buy yourself the blingiest biggest wedding ring instead.  It is your wedding band that you will wear every day.

Post # 51
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Woah, that’s crazy high. If thats the stone he could afford, then you should either contribute to upgrade, or live with it. But that setting is crazy. That would be my first priority.

Post # 52
Hostess
9666 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

Ugh. I feel so bad for both of you. I can see both sides to this story. On one hand, your Fiance should’ve listened to you and taken your input to ask your friend for opinions. I can’t say he should’ve taken any money from you to contribute to the center stone size, because he probably worked really hard to be able to afford the best he could for you. On the other hand, I know how it feels to wait many years for a proposal (I waited 7 1/2) and expect a certain ring. 

But what is going on with that setting!? I can’t believe a jeweler would even make something that high. That is just ridiculous. How many milimeters does it sit off the top of your finger? Like 7mm? 

Can you include a top down shot to show the actual finger coverage? Like others have suggested, perhaps the “stick” thing in the middle can be taken out and the head lowered and then you can nix the halo and just add a big solitaire or something?

My plan of action, if I were you, would be to not bring up anything about the ring for a few weeks. Then after awhile maybe start repeatedly injuring yourself? LOL. I don’t know, I would try to make the blame more on the ring itself and less on your fiance since he worked so hard on it. This is a tough situation :/

Post # 54
Member
706 posts
Busy bee

@cheapblingring:  the top down view is gorgeous, but I’m not a fan of the side view either 

Post # 55
Hostess
9666 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

@cheapblingring:  It’s really pretty from the top down. BUT HALF AN INCH!? I still cannot get over the fact that a jeweler even made the thing! Or that a jeweler didn’t tell your SO “Hey this design is going to be really high which means impractical and dangerous.” 

If you have kids (now or in the future) I can definitely see how it might scratch them or something. It’s such a shame that he put so much thought and time into the design of the ring, it really is beautiful… except for that post that makes it so high! 

As for your original question, I ended up getting a new e-ring before the wedding because mine was impractical in that it lost pave stones. I think it’s 100% ok to get a new ring for practicality reasons, but I do think that you Fiance should be in agreement about the replacement.

It might come down to that you would need to pay for the whole new ring yourself, maybe? But if that’s worth it to you and he’s ok with it… then I would go for it.

 

Post # 56
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee

i changed my ring, but only the profile really. i initially told my fiance i wanted my ring set low, but in doing so, a wedding band wouldn’t sit flush. i found this out when we were looking for wedding bands. i ended up getting it reset. it sits a little higher. looks the exact same from the top but the profile has scrolls now so it’s more ornate!

Post # 57
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

wow, it’s gorgeous from the top, but i am not a fan of the side view/high profile, either. maybe just tell him you love it (if you do like it otherwise) but want to see if you can get the setting made lower?

Post # 58
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@cheapblingring:  Well, I’m not going to get into a discussion of the carat size. I will, however, offer a few suggestions/observations about what to do with a ring that’s not practical. I saw the photo and, yeah, that’s going to be hard to work in. 

Suggestion 1: Get a fabulous wedding band (whatever your definition of fabulous is) and start wearing the engagement ring on a necklace. It’s pretty and unusual. People will ask you about it if it’s hanging from your neck, but just about everyone will understand that it’s not practical to wear on your hand. A friend wear’s her engagement ring on a necklace because it’s an heirloom that can’t be resized, but she wants it with her anyway.

Suggestion 2: Are you dead set on a white/clear stone as your engagement ring? If not, you could see if he’d be game for you wearing another stone (I’m super into Morganite and Rubies right now) engagement-looking ring instead. You can get a nice gold and semi-precious stone ring for a few hundred dollars. You could transition the current setting to a sometimes-wear or around your neck.

Observation: My Fiance proposed with what he called a stand-in ring and then took me shopping for my own engagement ring. I tried on a Tiffany & Co. solitaire and hated it. Want to know why? I thought it was too tall. I deliberately chose a low-er profile solitaire. I absolutely understand the discontent with how high it sits and that it’s difficult to work in.

Best of luck to you!

Post # 59
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@FutureDrAtkins:  +1, I was thinking the exact same thing! 

 

View original reply
@cheapblingring:  Honestly, I would be upset as well, especially since you told him repeatedly you wanted a large ring and it sounds like you even told him WHAT ring.  Ugh.  Men. 

I think you need to sit him down and just make it clear that although you love your ring, it sits 1/2 inch off your hand and doesn’t suit your lifestyle in height or in size. You feel hurt that he didn’t listen to what you wanted, especially since you said over time not to spend money on multiple pieces of jewelry and instead to focus all money towards a ring (which really isn’t that expensive, especially since he had SIX YEARS to save, more if he didn’t have the $ by then).  Tell him that you love that he designed you a ring and you love the ring, but you don’t love wearing it every day since it’s so tall, and you’d prefer to get a different style ring.  Even mention that you love the stone and that you’d like to incorporate it into your new ring. 

If he’s super upset about it he needs to put his big boy pants on and realize that your feelings matter too.  FI knew I wanted a large ring (I didn’t care if it even had a stone at all, it could have been all metalwork, I just prefer larger rings) and if he proposed with a “dainty” ring (not that yours is danity, but it isn’t what you wanted) I’d have been hurt too, and I’d wonder why he asked me what I wanted if he was going to ignore whatever I told him anyway.  

I’ve said it 1000 times on these boards, rings are just objects and if it’s an object you’re going to wear every day you should love it, and he should care more about you loving it than the fact that “he picked it out,” that sounds so childish to me.  Your fiance is an adult and you should be able to talk to him like an adult without worrying about him collapsing in a temper tantrum pit of despair because you don’t love to wear the particular metal and rock thing he picked out on your hand every day for the next fifty plus years.  Like you said, your relationship isn’t defined by the ring, so he shouldn’t see an issue with you changing it (especially since you’ll be the one paying for it and you can afford to do so).    

 

Post # 60
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Can you find a compromise. I do think it’s unfair that you told him you were particular AND told him who to ask and he didn’t do those things. I think it’s undertsandable that you’re unhappy. Althoguh since he put so much time and energy into the ring, can you find a way to keep elements of it? Can you keep the ornate band, upgrade the diamond and add a halo… or something to that effect.

I really don’t think you’ll be happy unless you change the ring and you are the one who will be looking at it every day. He should resepct that. If he doesn’t have the money though, you should pay for the changes/upgrade.

Post # 61
Member
1275 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@cheapblingring:  Wow, that is probably the highest setting I have ever seen. I find it kind of shocking that a jeweler would custom make one that high.. I have seen plenty of similarly detailed rings that aren’t set that high that achieve the same look.

I totally get where you are coming from. I can see why he’d be hurt that you want something different, but at the same time.. It seems like you have always been pretty clear about what you want, and he ignored that. So you have a right to feel the way you do. At least you are being honest and telling him your intentions, and also offering to pay the difference. Keeping the ring he gave you and wearing it as a RHR seems like a great compromise. I think just again bring up all of your points, plus the thought of scratching up your future kids, plus the fact that the impractical setting might get damaged and COMPLETELY lose the diamond you have now.. Hopefully he will come around and youll both be happy.

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