Post # 16
I come from a really big family, so I always assumed I’d have anywhere between 2-4 children. I was one of two and I love having lots of cousins. After having our first, though, and experiencing the reality of parenting (the transition was challenging for me), I was significantly less attached to the idea of having more and I was really resistant to having more under the circumstances we had our first. (I quit my job and was a Stay-At-Home Mom for the first two years, did an extended nursing schedule and a very engaged attachment style mothering.) I was absolutely clear, when our son was still a toddler, that I would not do that again.
We only just reached the point of seriously trying again in my late 30s, and now, when my husband is very excited and on board every month, I find myself more ambivalent. It’s been several months that we’ve been trying and I notice that I’m disappointed each month that I don’t get pregnant, but also kind of feeling okay with either outcome.
I’ve got several friends who are CFBC and several others who have had serious fertility challenges and we’ve had some really frank and open conversations about their feelings and processes, so I’ve been drawing on what I’ve heard from both camps as we navigate our own situation.
I hope your journey brings you the results you want and that you’re doing better after your breakdown today.
Post # 17
My experience is a different situation, but I did strongly want three children, ended up with an only child, and I’m content.
For a number of reasons, I adopted. Around when we’d be ready to start the process again, our marriage fell apart and we divorced. I never wanted to have just one child, and this really threw a wrench into my plans. I spent several years single and remarried at 39. I’m now 40, and I just know it’s past the time for me to have kids. It’s not that we couldn’t make it happen if we really wanted, but now I’m at the peak of my career and very busy and can’t imagine slowing that down to have a child. I’m also making good money and my son is older so we spent a lot of time and money on travel. A baby would now be a total lifestyle change and I just don’t want to go back to changing diapers in the middle of the night and the travel limitations.
My best advice is to take it one day at a time. Life throws all of us curve balls, so we can have the best or plans and still find ourselves in a different place. Learn to find peace with this, because sometimes the unexpected place is better than what we had planned. If I really dwell on the change in course my life took, I would definitely feel sad and mourn the kids I didn’t have. But the reality is I ended up with a rich, amazing life with an accomplished career and the ability to have experiences I never dreamed would be a possibility. I wouldn’t trade my actual life for the one I’d dreamed.
Post # 18
We are still trying for number one like you, however I grew up with 3 siblings and the idea of having a single child never occurred to me. My husband was pretty set on one and although I knew this, we left the conversation open and it was something we planned to revisit after our first was born. After the trauma of going through a tfmr, complications afterwards, and now being on cycle 7 with no luck, I am firmly set on one child. It has taken a massive emotional and physical toll on me and I feel like it consumes my thoughts on many days. I desperately want a family but this experience is one I could never willingly repeat. I couldn’t imagine going through all of this again whilst caring for an infant/toddler and I wouldn’t want to miss out on the precious moments because I’m struggling with something that I could ultimately chose not to do or chasing something that may never happen.
Nobody can tell you that you should be satisfied with one, or that you may change your mind, but it sounds like you are struggling with the pressure and I can relate to that. Deciding I was only going to do this once gave me some mental relief even if giving up the idea of a larger family felt like a loss in itself.
I hope you’re doing better today. This journey is such a struggle.
Post # 19
zstbee84 : I recently posted about transfering my last embryo to have a possible second child. I can completely understand where you are coming from. Having in your head what your ideal family is but also wanting to be happy mentally and emotionally! If our transfer doesnt work we would need to decide if we want to do another retrival.
I cant honestly say exactly what I would do if it didnt work but I can say I am leaning more towards not doing another retrival. Mostly because I dont like myself when doing ivf. I become emotional and anxious….just not myself. I have been through a lot in the last years and I want to be happy. I can be happy with only one child. I am happy! Obviously I cant really know how my future self will feel though if this doesnt work out.
With that said my advice to you right now would be…..do a retrieval with pgs testing and once the results come back…..then start thinking about next steps. You may have many healthy embryos and you wont need to do another retrival! You may not and need to do another…but after doing one you will know if you are up for another! Only you know what you can handle.
I know how I felt when I first started ivf. I can become all consuming! My other advice would be is for you and your husband to try and enjoy life now and have some fun before ivf. You guys deserve it. I didnt really do this before we did ivf but before our fet we went on a small trip and just really started enjoying life again! I dont think it makes a difference on if the transfer works or not but it sure made me feel so much better! I am currently trying to take my own advice right now and just enjoy life now!
Post # 20
- Wedding: September 2017 - California
TwilightRarity : Thank you for sharing and thanks for the well wishes. I keep trying to remind myself that its not all about how I am feeling right now in this moment and that I might feel differently in the future if I actually end up experiencing parenthood for the first time, as it might change my perspective. Or I might feel differently later on for totally unrelated reasons, so I am probably jumping the gun by overplanning and getting overly anxious right now.
Post # 21
- Wedding: September 2017 - California
GoDawgs : Thank you, I am really trying to appreciate and enjoy the non-child related parts of my life like the fact that after years of time spent in jobs that I hated I finally have a job that I really enjoy with people that I like working with and I feel motivated to do better and better every day and learn more and more. Just gotta keep going!
Post # 22
- Wedding: September 2017 - California
mrsw88 : I can’t even imagine how hard that must have been and must still be. I can relate to becoming consumed by fertility struggles. It’s so hard to not think about it when it’s the big elephant in the room. I think I will just let it marinate a bit and see how I feel over the coming months about continuing to try on our own vs. trying to seek additional help.
Post # 23
- Wedding: September 2017 - California
candy08 : I think we are leaning toward paying out of pocket for IVF if we continue to struggle to get pregnant and still cannot get approval from my health insurance to do a retrieval by June/July. Right now it seems like they won’t cover it because we haven’t been trying long enough since my last MC, but I’m actually not 100% sure they would even cover it later on because of course it’s such a difficult process to navigate. I think we have one full retrieval and FET cycle in us financially before we really start to wonder if it makes sense to keep pursuing IVF. We definitely don’t want to get stuck in a seemingly endless loop of failed procedures, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
Post # 24
I had 5 miscarriages before having a successful pregnancy. My husband and I were adamant about just having the one. The mental toll of getting one nearly destroyed me, we were happy with one and I’m 38 years old. Just a good place to stop and enjoy what we have. Apparently the universe had different plans for us because I’m pregnant with surprise #2. Our babies will be almost exactly 12 months apart. This pregnant so far is progressing well with no invertention at all.
Post # 25
zstbee84 : I originally wanted 5 and my husband wanted 3. Unfortunately we had to go through IVF and due to paying for everything out of pocket, we dropped our number down to 2. The birth of my daughter and what it did to my body I wasn’t in a rush to have a second one. My daughter had colic and it was tough. Fast forward to when she was 6 months old my husband found out he had cancer and under went chemo. We had talked about transferring the following summer since we wanted to have our kids close in age. After chemo something pushed him to us transferring this summer instead. Here I am pregnant with twins. It’ll be a struggle financially but we will make it work. Had he not pushed this, I do wonder if we would have transferred next summer or would have gotten comfortable. Everything happens for a reason.
Post # 26
We originally wanted 2 kids.
At the very start of our TTC journey I had an ectopic pregnancy that was misdiagnosed and I lost my tube. After trying for 18months after that we decided we’d be ok with one child.
We’ve been through IVF twice, got one embryo out of 31 eggs harvested in total. Found out I have “PCO”. Haven’t seen a positive pregnancy test in almost 3 years. My husband and i decided to stop all the invasive fertility treatments.
Now we’re both feeling pretty ok about having 1 child or none at all. We’ve been forced to be ok with the prospect of being childless because the treatments took a massive, massive toll on my mental well being, and so we decided to not continue with them anymore. It did take some serious soul searching for me to go from wanting two kids to being ok with being childless by circumstance if that’s how things pan out – I’m 33 so we still have time, but chances are slim.
Post # 27
zstbee84 : I said for my whole life that I didn’t want to be pregnant or that I would adopt. The idea of being pregnant completely grossed me out to be honest. When i got married in 2013 people asked us if were going to have kids and I would just shurg and say maybe. I really didn’t want people all up in my personal business when it came to us trying for a child should we decide to. Well in 2016 I got pregnant after trying for almost 10 months to get pregnant People were surprised. My son was born in 2017. For someone who was so horrified about being pregnant I didnt think it was so terrible after all and prenancy was super nice to be. It was how I felt after he was born that did a number on my mental health. It was hard. Harder than I had even imagined it would be. I vowed in those early months I would never have another but almost 2 years later I have changed my mind. Things got easier (he got easier to handle) and I felt if im going to have another I should do it now since I’m 37. I got pregnant in September 2019 and that ended in a miscarriage at about 7 weeks and now I really dont know how i’m feeling about having another. The loss of a pregancny is not easy. So basically we will see what happens in the next year and if nothing does then I will be content on having my one child.
Post # 28
I always imagined having two kids and then we ended up going through ivf and only having two non-tested embryos. At that point I felt hopeful for even one child. The first transfer worked and we have our son. I love him very much but he is a lot more work than I anticipated. Very needy, hates solid food, doesn’t sleep through the night, etc. we felt pretty ok with just having one. I wasn’t on birth control because we didn’t think I could get pregnant and bam – pregnant! So we’re having two but I now see a certain wisdom in sticking to just one.
Post # 29
For some couples the number of children they desire goes according to plan, for others it’s a struggle that takes years and there are those that it doesn’t happen at all.
I was married at 19 but knew I wanted to be a young mother and at 22 years old I gave birth to our son. Six years later I was pregnant again with baby number 2. Unfortunately it ended in a miscarriage and I never conceived again. I loved the idea of having more children and since we couldn’t give him a sibling we did the next thing… having as many of his cousins spend weekends with us as possible. It wasn’t exactly the same as a brother or sister but it was the only option.
I had to come to terms that we couldn’t control the size of our family, it was being decided for us. The only control I DID have was knowing I could the best mom to our only child. Unfortunately the marriage didn’t last and ended after 17 years.
My son is now 33 years old, married with 2 daughters (7 and 4) of his own and those girls are my treasure. The days I babysit for them and one needs something and the other is crying I think “Oh goodness, I’m so glad I only had one. I don’t think I could handle this EVERYDAY “.
Post # 30
I had always imagined having 2 kids, just because that’s the same family size as both myself and Darling Husband I guess. I had one miscarriage before my successful pregnancy with my daughter. We started trying again when she was 4, and after 3 miscarriages in a row I said if the next one doesn’t stick, I’m getting an IUD. Darling Husband was in agreement.
As luck would have it this pregnancy seems to be progressing well (I do take lovenox), so we are crossing our fingers. I definitely don’t think I would try again if something happens this time; I’m almost 19 weeks and would be obviously devastated at this point.
Our daughter is really the light of our lives, so while I would definitely mourn the idea of that second child, I could still be very happy with just the one.