- 10 years ago
- Wedding: January 2011
I’m trying to figure out whether my friends suck, whether I suck, or both (ha ha). Any feedback would be greatly appreciated 🙂
I’ve heard so many stories over the years of people getting married and it affecting their friendships. I’ve always thought that was just because married life and single life are different, and it can put strain on a friendship when like, one friend wants to go out clubbing and the other is lobbying for quiet dinner party. Or because the married friend doesn’t seem to have time for the single friend anymore, stuff like that. DH and I were legally married and living together for 2.5 years prior to our wedding though (immigration issues forced us to jump the gun on the legal part before we could get our family all in one place), so I hardly expected our wedding day to change anything with any of our relationships. Ooh but it did.
Let me just be clear up front that we didn’t ask for much from friends at our wedding — we decided against having bridesmaids/groomsmen (given that our wedding was really more a vow renewal and our family is out-of-state/international – going to enough expense/trouble without dresses and fittings, etc) and ended up asking only one friend (whom I’ll call M) ONE favor for the entire wedding process. M was supposed to get to the reception a little early to make sure the cake got delivered and set up in the right place. Well, our reception started at noon and the cake place had it in their notes to deliver the cake at 4pm (!!!) so you can imagine the panic that ensued. Luckily for us, our venue owner is amazing, noticed the missing cake, remembered where we’d ordered it from, and got it all straightened out minutes before the reception began. When I asked M about how the cake thing went, she just shrugged and said it was all set up by the time it arrived (super late), so she “didn’t even have to worry about it”. hrm.
The girls proceeded to get totally trashed at the reception and decide to leave early to go to a bar. Considering our reception ran from noon – 3pm and we had invited so few friends to begin with, I was really disappointed when they just walked out the front door more than an hour early to go PAY for alcohol elsewhere. That’s something I’d expect at a larger wedding where some people feel disconnected and/or restless, but we had intentionally limited our guest list to people we felt wouldn’t miss a moment of the day for the world in order to have an intimate gathering that would be more meaningful for us. The party loses something when people are blatantly walking out the front door super early.
I tried to focus on the positive and we went on to have a great day without them, even though my in-laws approached us to tell us how insulted they were that M had barely taken the time to say hello to them after they went to great lengths and expense to wait on her hand and foot when we took her on vacation with us to their country this past summer. Ever since that trip, they had considered her a family friend and always sent gifts and well wishes whenever we traveled back and forth for visits, so it really hurt their feelings that she blew past them and didn’t take the time to talk with them. It put a bit of a damper on the day but again, we just tried to move past it and enjoy the day for what it was.
The next day, we were going through cards and I started to panic that some of the cards had gotten lost along the way. M, for example, would NEVER show up to our wedding without a thoughtful handwritten card…or would she? I was so concerned about how awkward it would be to approach thank you cards if we had misplaced some cards or gifts, so I almost called her up just to verify (as I thought she was the kind of friend you could ask a potentially rude question to, because your friendship transcends that stuff) but I decided not to because I figured she’d feel awful if she had accidentally left it at home on her way out the door. I eventually did bring it up in an generic way (“we’re worried we might’ve lost some cards”) weeks later and she said that she felt bad that she hadn’t gotten to that yet. Just to be clear, ‘card’ is not a euphemism here for a gift. We weren’t expecting gifts from guests, but when you have a friend you exchange cards with for every major occasion and they don’t bring one to your wedding, it’s a little hurtful. I know that technically you’re allowed to send such things up to a year after the wedding, but for the few in-town friends we invited, I was really looking forward to reading their well-wishes , but only about 1 in 5 did so much as bring a card at all. It’s been more than a month now, and I doubt that anything is on the way.
Normally in these situations I’d be racking my brain to think of how I might’ve ticked these girls off to make them not feel like doing anything more than making a casual appearance at our wedding/reception. But the truth is, a couple of these girls are just like that (my bad for including them on the guest list), and although M is not, she has been totally caught up in a new relationship that has distracted her from being any kind of friend over the last couple months. God knows I’ve been by her side supporting her through this, from encouraging her to join the website where she met him to doing every possible thing I could to help her make a good impression on him and his family. I like to think I’ve been about the least neurotic bride ever (we kept things so small and again, didn’t ask anyone for anything minus the small cake favor) and I always get annoyed by brides who whine about THEIR DAY and what THEY DESERVE, but seriously. Recent exchanges with M make me feel like she totally missed the part where we got married — it’s almost as though she’s the bride constantly needing favors and support that we’ve done without when we really could’ve used it. I’ve been trying for weeks now to not feel resentful about that, but I’m struggling with it quite a bit.
Have you had any experiences like this? Friendships that you lost interest in after the wedding because you grew to regret including them in your wedding celebrations?