Post # 1
Fiance and I start pre-marital counseling this week. Our pastor, who happens to be a mutual friend and the guy who set us up 4 years ago, sent us a list of questions to answer on our own before our first session. He told us to do them separately and not share with each other until the session.
Fiance and I both don’t want to have any surprises with our friend sitting in front of us. There are some good questions on this list that will likely spark some good discussions and we would rather at least somewhat discuss before we get to the actual session. Nothing earth-shattering, but interesting stuff I’ve never thought about. We think we are going to share our answers the night before the session, just we are both a little less nervous.
What about you? Did you discuss before counseling or wait until you got there?
Post # 3
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
“He told us to do them separately and not share with each other until the session.”- There’s obviously a good reason for this. If there are surprises that you don’t want to share with your friend, you can defer the conversation until later, if you’re not comfortable with it. Otherwise why mess with the system? Your pastor can help mediate the more challenging discussions.
Post # 4
No, I wouldn’t share them. If you trust your friend enough to marry you, you should trust him with the premarital counseling, to do it his own way. If you don’t feel comfortable with that I would find someone else to marry you. Pre-marital counseling is generally a package deal with pastors, and he probably just wants to treat you like any of his other pre-marital couples. I’m sure there is a reason why he wants to discuss them with you.
To answer your question, no, we did not share our pre-marital questions together, talked them over with our pastor, that’s it.
Post # 5
Was this the FOCCUS inventory that he had you take?
When we did ours, we were encouraged to discuss the questions with one another before the formal discussion sessions (after having answered them separately).
I would respect your pastor’s request not to if that’s what he said – but you might check with him for clarification. With the FOCCUS inventory, the important thing is that you not discuss anything with your partner *while* answering the questions. Your pastor might be fine with you discussing them if you want to, as long as the answering is done separately.
Post # 6
What about finding a generic “things to talk about before getting married” thing to do online, and it might have some of the same questions or information on it. You wouldn’t discuss the “counseling” questions, but you discuss the topics…
Post # 7
I think you should follow his instructions, since he probably has reasons for doing things the way he does. You can always have long discussions about your answers after the counseling session.
The purpose of premarital counseling is to get to know each other better and learn to communicate effectively even when you disagree, so don’t be embarrassed about having different responses from your Fiance, that’s totally normal and it’s the reason for doing this counseling!
Post # 8
I think that it would be tempting to share before hand, but I would wait. I think some of the questons are almost designed to arouse difference in opinion 🙂 It is to help with communication. I know some of the questions we had to answer seperately were interesting. I wasn’t surprised by the answers that my Fiance gave, however I knew that mine would differ. It’s not a bad thing either really. I mean if we all agreed on everything ALL of the time, it would kind of be like marrying ourselves huh? Don’t be ashamed by differences. It will be fine.
Post # 9
I think, and please don’t be offended because I am in the same shoes, that y’all are having to answer some questions on subjects that you havent discussed before which scares you. Since you are clearly religious I know that SO unknown can be very scary. For example my family is southern baptist and my Fi is catholic. Ive told my preacher ,whom is my gramdfather, I am petrified if we don’t agree it is Jesus telling us we’re wrong for each other and I love him so much. He actuallly encouraged my Fiance and I discuss the cross religion questions because we should support each other and clear up issues before we introduced a third parties thoughts on it. God was always with us regardless of what religious figure may also be in the room.