Did you end a relationship because your partner wouldn't commit to marriage?

posted 3 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
358 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

cremecaramel :  I was with someone for 5 years (ages 25-30) and we started long distance (Portland-Los Angeles) then a couple years in he moved to San Diego (still long distance) so I cut him some slack given all the moving and not super stable in his career but when I had a more serious conversation, he said he needed 2 more years, I didn’t have to give an ultimatum at that point, I was gone. It was hard because we loved each other and had a great time together. Fast forward 5 years (we kept in contact very seldomly), I make a joke that he needs to put hinself out there more (he’s pretty introverted) and he says that he decided marriage and kids are not his thing, so I’m pretty sure I would have wasted those 2 years waiting with nothing coming from it, best decision ever!!! Although, still think he’s a great guy, just not compatible!!

Post # 3
Member
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Thankfully, I’ve never been in this situation. However, never ever give a man an ultimatum to be with you. You’re worth more than that, if you’re not happy, walk away. 

Post # 4
Member
981 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Yes. There were other issues and looking back Im glad we didnt get married. He was happy to buy a house, have a kid, share a bank account but wouldnt commit to marriage. I was young and stupid and stayed with him for over 6 years thinking “someday” he would be ready.

Eventually I left and he proposed as I was leaving. It was too late then. I had finally realized he wasnt the one and me trying to force it wouldnt fix it.

Post # 5
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee

I have. I didn’t give an ultimatum, but we had many discussions about it over the year leading up to me leaving. I know I told him at some point that I wasn’t going to wait forever. When I finally decided to leave he was suddenly ready to get married, but that actually just made me more sure I was making the right decision. I had been explaining to him for ages how his unwillingness to commit – or even to give me an idea of when he would be ready to commit or what he would need to feel ready to commit – was making me feel. But the pain he was causing me never seemed to matter. Then as soon as I was ready to move on he was suddenly totally fine getting married. Why in God’s name would I want to be with someone so self centered? Leaving that relationship is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. 

I agree with the pp who said don’t give an ultimatum because you’re worth more than that. A man worth marrying won’t have to be forced into it. 

Post # 6
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee

I was with someone for two years and eventually realized it would never be his idea to get married.  And if I did succeed in strong arming him into it, he’d be a terrible partner and father.  Literally while I was breaking up with him he got down on his knee and begged me to go to the courthouse that day.  But it was too late, I had finally woken up.  A couple weeks later he texted me a photo of an engagement ring + wedding band in a box (clearly a google screenshot), saying he threw it off a mountain? because he was so heartbroken I left.  Yea, I’m sure.

An ultimatum may work, but do you even really want it to?

Post # 7
Member
1678 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I ended a 10 year relationship because I realized this dude was never going to commit to me.  The really sad thing is he let me know years before that he wouldn’t commit.  “I don’t want to get married until I’m together financially”, “I don’t believe in marriage”….he said these things and his actions proved it even more and I ignored these clear messages out of fear. I was in love and didn’t want to lose him so I sacrificed years of my life, when I could’ve found someone excited to spend his life with me, to keep a guy who clearly wasn’t.  When I finally ended things I was nearly 40.

I hope this helps you make a decision.

P.S. No worries, I found a guy who was very excited to marry me and we married within 4 years of meeting.

 

Post # 8
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee

Yes. I dated a man I had known the majority of my life. We had a year and a half relationship, and I finally got to the point of asking if he saw us taking a next step anytime soon. I’d bought a house near him with the plan of him moving out of his rental and us getting on with our lives as a couple. Turns out, he “wasn’t ready” and couldn’t articulate why. 

I told him that he either needed to do some soul searching or let me find the man who would meet my needs. He left, right there on the spot. That was a bit of a shock, but in the end, the best thing that could have happened. 

A man will know when he’s met the right person, and he will take the correct steps to make a life with her. If that’s not happening after years together, it won’t ever.

Post # 9
Member
6628 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

cremecaramel :  I didn’t walk but I was prepared to. I had waited a very long time and he missed a lot of opportunities even though he had the ring. He did a lot of soul searching that day, thank goodness. I wouldn’t call it a good proposal but here we are, married 4+ years (after 8 dating, for a variety of reasons). I also have a cousin whose girlfriend did walk. I don’t know where she is now but he is happily and voluntarily married to someone else. They weren’t the right fit in the end. 

If you are thinking about walking, you must be prepared to follow through no matter what, or don’t bother threatening it. 

Post # 10
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2018

I left after 5 years of being with someone who could only talk about the future in a very vague sense. I wasn’t even asking for marriage. I just wanted him to get his life together. We were living together but he was making no moves towards settling (at the time he was working seasonally forcing us to be long distance half of the year). And he was drinking a lot. He couldn’t talk about marriage or maybe living in one place for more than 6 months. Eventually I wrote him a letter asking him to stop drinking so much and open a conversation with me about our future. He responded by silently putting the letter down, pouring himself a large drink, and going out to the porch to get totally wasted by himself.

I told him if that was his response I would be leaving when our lease was up in 2 months. He said ok. Over the next 2 months I told him many times that this was a break up, not a break. He said ok. Then I left. A few months later I met the love of my life. When he found out he said he felt heartbroken because he thought we still had a chance and we would come back together. But I could not have been more clear with him.

Now, I am happily married, settled, and expecting a baby with the man of my dreams. He’s doing the exact same thing he was when we were together. He was never going to change, he just didn’t have the guts to tell me that. I’m so happy I left.

Post # 11
Member
1218 posts
Bumble bee

I didn’t actually END a relationship over this issue, exactly. Many years ago I met and dated a guy who I really liked. He moved frequently, changed jobs, friends, hobbies, travelled alot, etc. Because we were both in our early 20s, I thought he was fun, exciting, and he had all these experiences that I didn’t because of his adventurous lifestyle. He was seriously captivating.

After getting to know him a bit more I discovered that he has trouble committing to ANYTHING.  I knew darn well that I could get to know him even more, invest a whole lot more time and energy…. and in the end, I believed that he wouldn’t be able to give me the future that I wanted. So…. we parted ways because we wanted different things. I”m glad I figured it out on the early side. 

Post # 12
Member
1257 posts
Bumble bee

I have a friend that did, she gave a 6 months “ultimatum” being that she said she won’t be renewing the lease with him if there isn’t a commitment by the end of the current lease. It ended before the end of lease came around. There were other issues though, it’s not the only thing that wasn’t working.

Post # 13
Member
1757 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

cremecaramel :  Yes I would and I did. 5 years later I am happily married. (to someone else)

I wouldn’t call it using an “ultimatum” I would call it being honest with your needs and intentions and then following through. 

And yeah, so easy to talk about it, so hard to do. There was a huge amount of pain, suffering and soul searching, though, to get to that point. 

Post # 14
Member
698 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Bumping this thread so the OP can get more responses 

Post # 15
Member
954 posts
Busy bee

Yes, I did when I was 24 (hahaha howls the 40 year old woman typing this). I thought I was ready for marriage and we had been together a few years AND moved across the country to start careers together. He was most definitely not ready for marriage/ told me he loved me but knew he wouldn’t be thinking about marriage until closer to 30.  I did not give him an ultimatum but rather after several long conversations on the topic, I did break up with him.  Looking back I didn’t realize how VERY young 24 was and how every relationship grows at it’s own pace (I was very much comparing us to my friends from college who were already engaged after dating for only 1-2 years). 

 

BUT I will say once a guy is older than 26/27, BELIEVE them if they’re not sure. Not sure means no and it’s time to move on with no ultimatums.  At 25 & younger, they probably need a little more time to grow up and get settled into adult life. 

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