Did you ever have doubts but stayed?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2020

I sometimes have doubts, but I think they are my anxiety and depression/history.  They pretty much always end up feeling irrational.  I feel like my doubts are cyclical and a lot of times i link them to my period/hormones. I feel like I overanalyze a lot and also feel like there is nothing “wrong”.  I have found myself sabatoshing relationships in the past becaue I just “knew” this man was going to leave me like all the rest did.  FH did not allow me to do this and worked with me whenever I unintentionally started to do it.  Sometimes I really wonder if I can ever truly be happy and I start to really question what being happy is. Therapy has been helping. Sometimes when i have doubts about FH I talk to him about them or I make lists of all the ways we have supported each other in the past.  This list normally helps because I see concreate examples of how we have grown and the love we both have shown to each other.  Sometimes I have to constantly repeat in my head “whatever is going to happen will happen, I can not predict the future and no matter what I will survive.”  I will repeat this or something similar for as long as it takes. I will write this down sometimes just to get out of my head. 

Are there any particular doubts you have, or are they just general depression/anxiety doubts?

Post # 3
Member
2680 posts
Sugar bee

The short answer is yes, I had doubts and I stayed way too long.  I blamed my anxiety for these doubts, but what I was really doing was downplaying how bad things were in the relationship (there was also a ton of gaslighting as well that made me doubt myself). 

Do you have any particular doubts?  

Post # 4
Member
1946 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

anonbee87654 :  I had doubts about my ability to continue in an LDR, because I don’t function well in that type of relationship. I need quality time and physical touch. I’ve never had doubts about my husband himself or my being happy with him. 

No, no relationship is perfect, and it sounds like you made vows, so I would say your relationship is worth fighting for. However, just because no relationship is perfect, doesn’t mean you can’t take steps with your SO to make it better. If you have doubts and are feeling unhappy, you should look more closely at what is causing it so that you can work in it with your partner. Having thoughts along the lines of needing to leave before there are children involved are concerning. 

Post # 5
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee

Life is too short not to trust your gut. Are you happy? Is something in the back of your mind looking for other relationship opportunities? That’s usually been a good indicator for me on a good time to end a relationship. 

It’s perfectly reasonable to leave a relationship when nothing is “wrong”. One of the hardest breakups I ever had was exactly that. He was perfectly everything I wanted, and a fantastic boyfriend, but in the end… It just wasn’t there anymore. I was falling out of love, and started daydreaming about what it would be like if we broke up. 

A good friend of mine recently said “You should both feel lucky that you’ve found each other” After finding my fiancé, he completely blew out of the water what I previously thought was a good relationship. Of course I had doubts early on, as with all new relationships, but I’d say none after about a year in. After that it just became abundantly clear that we worked so well together, and I want so desperately for everyone to find that person for themselves!

Post # 6
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee

I think compatability is a huge factor. Why are you worried he wouldn’t make it through kids? Is there anything in specific you’re concerned about? I’d start by talking to him about those concerns, and see if you’re both on the same page. 

Post # 7
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2021 - Toronto, Ontario

anonbee87654 :  I think as humans we always think “what if this…what if that..” and this is perfectly normal. Although my relationship with FH is wonderful – I do also sometimes fall into the “what if” trap. This doesn’t mean that you’re in a bad relationship or having doubts, or it’s your conscience trying to tell you something. It simply means that you are human. 

 

 

Post # 8
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I had doubts throughout the entire relationship. I thought it was my anxiety and I ignored it, thinking I’d get used to the relationship and the anxiety would go away. And yet after every date, I wanted him out the door as quick as possible. I always got a migraine the day after, I assume because of stress and tension. I thought I was just being my anxious, overthinking self and pushed through for a year. Then he proposed. And then he grew more distant. And I found myself feeling relieved when he didn’t care to see me for two weeks. That’s when I broke it off. 

I wish I had trusted my gut sooner and not written it all off as my anxious brain just being anxious. 

That being said, it’s definitely possible to be anxious and still be happy. I’ve gone on a couple dates since February and I find that I’m anxious and excited, not anxious and sick or migrainey. It’s a nice difference and one I’ll be paying much more attention to in the future. Take some time to take stock of your doubts and anxiety. Examine them closely. Try to feel yourself out – would you be having these thoughts in any relationship, or are they specific to your situation with your fiance? 

Post # 9
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - Country/barn

Yes and it didn’t end well. But they were major doubts. I stayed too long and was young and basically just comfortable in the relationship. It should have ended years before it did. 

Post # 10
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020 - City, State

I think deep down you know what you should do, because only YOU truly knows what your relationship is like. Always listen to your gut, BUT I do also think that with all of this technology and dating apps and instant gratification, we have been trained to always think about what else is out there and what if we could find someone more compatible? I have watched people throw away great people, opportunities, you name it, in search of something better, only to be filled with regret for not appreciating what they had when they had it.

Post # 11
Member
925 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Yes. I stayed-for years. I regret every day I stayed in that relationship. 

Post # 13
Member
1083 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

anonbee87654 :  That would be a big red flag for me – sorry

Fiance doesn’t care much for my mother (she’s a total pain, I get it), but he will always come with me uncomplainingly because he’s my partner in crime

Same with his family – his sister is a total bitch to me, but I still fronted up to every family dinner and event without issue (we no longer live in the same city anymore)

You do these things because you care for you partner, more than you dislike the people they love.

I would struggle to get past that too, so I get it.

I have my doubts about our wedding, but never about Fiance. He shits me to tears sometimes but I love him. I never get the feeling of sadness or fear when imagining my first name with his last name. The only fear I have is about the permanency of marriage. I want to be this happy forever – and forever is a long time. 

You just have to weigh it up – will you life be better or worse with him not in it? If you think, even for a second, it would be better or easier, then I think you have your answer.

 

Post # 14
Member
587 posts
Busy bee

What is it about your family he doesn’t like? anonbee87654 :  

Post # 15
Member
6169 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

anonbee87654 :  Why doesn’t he like your family?

I had a period of time where I was wondering if I could handle a lifetime with someone with ADHD and all that that entails. Because no matter how much I love my guy and his family, it can be a lot. I had a great conversation with a friend (who is also married to someone with ADHD) and asked her how she knew to stick with it even though they had gone through a really challenging patch. She told me that she knew her family had concerns about him (as a result of their challenges) and she was tempted to end things, but she had to take some time to just sit with herself and decide for herself what she wanted. And what she wanted was to be with him. She recognized that that might not mean forever, but she recognized that she was making the decision to choose him.

For me, once I decided that my guy and I are family, no matter what, and that that may mean that, years down the line, our relationship changes or evolves, but that doesn’t eliminate the fact that we are now family for the rest of this lifetime (we already had a child together), then things got much easier for me and that was when I finally felt comfortable getting married.

I have to agree with PP, though. Unless your family are some heinous bigots or a toxic dumpster fire, him not going with you to family things or having a stank attitude about it (or a time limit) may not work out in the long run. It sounds like family is important to you which make it especially difficult.

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