Did you ever have doubts but stayed?

posted 1 month ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
2085 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I had doubts and anxiety, yes. I’m a worrier by nature.

it does concern me he won’t spend time with your family. My husband has spent time with my family when I’ve asked him to even though they are about as dysfunctional as can be.

Post # 18
Member
101 posts
Blushing bee

anonbee87654 :  This ! Talking from my own experience. I love my family, they are not perfect but perfect for me. They are crazy fun, funny and all of my friends often say ” I wish I had your family ” 

My older sister.. she was with this guy that really nice sweet and I think they do look perfect together, he is on the other side, doesn’t have a good relationship with his fam. He is kinda jealous about our family situation, we always involved him. He seemed to enjoy time when he is in fam occasion. 

But then sister started to making excuses, can not go to this event, she is busy etc etc and came out she is making excuses because she doesn’t want to make her SO feel left out or something like that.

Long story short, my sister starts having doubt, the problem is in his side- either he is jealous, or he just don’t get use to it. So my sister made a decision IF he can’t accept her family or at least try to blend in, then that is it. Family is ( in our case ) more important than anyone. 

in your case, have you tried to figure why he doesn’t like your fam, ? IF even your friends like your fam….then it could be your SO problem. 

If you are having doubt now, you will always have it. 

Post # 19
Member
1655 posts
Bumble bee

I had a similar issue with the disliking of spending time with my family with my ex-husband. Note, I said EX-husband. 

Post # 20
Member
16 posts
Newbee

“I just wish he would go to my parents house without time constraints and actually engage with my parents. I envy the relationships where the son-in-law will work on cars with their father-in-law or will help BBQ. It looks lovely. But that will probably never happen for me.”

It can happen for you as soon as you dump this loser! I usually advise caution and contemplation on this kind of thing, but seriously? This guy is a borderline gaslighter who clearly is clinging to any flimsy excuse to isolate you from your family. I mean, lots of us deal with less than ideal parents and in-laws with an eye roll and a Team Us attitude all the time. That’s what you do for poeple you love! But you have what sound like perfectly normal non-terrible parents you genuinely like to hang out with. Contrasted with a whiny man-child who doesn’t want to be an adult once in awhile? Why in the world are you settling for this? It would be one thing if he said, hey, I’m not that in to family time but I will grin and BBQ with Dad twice a year and we can do alternate Christmas, but more than that is too much family for me. But to openly sulk at every family gathering? You don’t deserve that!!!

“I realize it boils down to being my fault, I should not have told him what my mom said to me. I just wish he would get over it, that was at least 5 years ago now.”

So, just to be straight here, this winner has been sulking for 5 years? 5 years!? Imagine a total stranger was writing what you have written here. Seriously, reread what you wrote and imagine “Suzy” had written it. Would you tell Suzy to grin and bear it for the rest of her life? “That’s just how it goes, sometimes, Suzy. Tough luck, girlfriend.” Would you tell Suzy to put up with this? Heck no! Suzy deserves way more than a sulky man-baby who doesn’t appreciate a partner with a good family dynamic. DTMFA. Preferably 5 years ago, but now works, too! Do it for Suzy! There are lots of functional adult males out there who would love to hang out with what sounds like your lovely parents. You deserve it. This is not your fault. Seriously, “my fault” and “I don’t deserve something good” are the words of someone who has been successfully gaslit. Get out and get yourself someone who deserves you and your family!

Post # 21
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

anonbee87654 :  yes absolutely. Once for 7 years, and once for 6. Both times it was like a pendulum that swung back and forth (“I feel a bit funny in my gut…or I wish his hair wouldn’t do that….”) over to (“but he’s so funny and he always cooks me dinner”…”we are intellectual equals and great friends and that’s worth so much more than being physically compatible”). 

Basically what I did in both of those relationships was defend and justify the traits of my partners (to myself and to others). For example, one of them always said things that embarrassed me socially (just weird jokes that no one found funny, or toilet humour etc). I would always say “oh he’s just a bit shy which makes him say silly things” when he left the room. Little things like that. Plus I wanted reassurance from others that they liked my partner and/or thought there were positive things about my relationship. The other thing – in both those relationships I knew the guy would be upset if I left, so in retrospect I kind of stayed out of loyalty (plus genuine affection for them). I overthink and over analyse everything so I also assumed that my gut was just being a dick. 

With my current partner, I did question things at the beginning as I was determined not to settle again! So I scrutinised him to bits (“hmmm, not so sure about that hat!” Lol). But after a few months of dating, my gut started to become quiet and I started to feel like my partner was my safe place and my home. As the years go by (we are 3 years in), I feel more safe and sure and comforted. And I don’t have that gnawing feeling or the need to question. We are good. That’s enough for me. Hopefully we will be together always but I’ve been through enough to know that all sorts of things could happen. But I’m super peaceful in the present and it’s very reassuring. 

I think for me, I blamed anxiety instead of listening to my gut. Are you peaceful? Don’t worry about all the facts and details…just work out whether or not you are peaceful. Xxx 

Post # 22
Member
16 posts
Newbee

One more thing…

“I worry that this will never get better and that once kids come along, I’ll resent him. “

This will never get better. It’s been this way for 5 years already, yes? So, this is the rest of your life. Are you okay with this being the rest of your life?

“However, I have many cousins that go solo to family events and they’ve been married for years. So part of me thinks this could work. “

You are not your cousins. Their parents are not your parents, so don’t make choices based on that. What you need and want is not what your cousins need and want. Wanting a spouse who enjoys if not happily tolerates your family is a totally reasonable want.

Post # 23
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

anonbee87654 :  How often are you wanting to spend time with your family? My Darling Husband goes to his parents’ house weekly and that’s just way too much for me and my Darling Husband totally understands.

Post # 24
Member
296 posts
Helper bee

Sulking, grudge-holding, and bargaining?

Those behaviours are BIG red flags, to me. No matter how good the good times, that lack of emotional maturity should be causing you doubts. I should have seen similar behaviours for red flags too.

From another Bee who stayed far too long, ignoring my doubt; and shouldn’t have.

Post # 25
Member
10568 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

anonbee87654 :  

More times than I can even count.  I’m old.  Always regretted it; usually lost piles of money one way or another.

Your solar plexus will never lie to you.

Post # 26
Member
10568 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

motogal :  

Whatever he doesn’t like about OP’s family does not justify sulking.

Unless he’s under 10.

Post # 27
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2019

 I am going to offer my story that turns out differently than everyone else here who has had doubts so you can look at your situation from various point of views.

 I had HUGE doubts when my then boyfriend (now husband) first moved in together. To make a long story short, we started off as long distance FWB. We did this for a year and a half and then decided to become “official”. After a year of being boyfriend and girlfriend, I decided to move in with him. So he had a couple of friends (all male) he hanged out with and I knew them. These guys were all coming out of marriages and began dating other females. They were on their wild phase since they were getting out of marriages. Turns out my husband has either slept/ or dated these girls while me and him were FWB. A couple of issues here for me was

 

1.     Ewww. Why are you guys all passing the same girls around? We live in a big college town…surely you can all date different women.

 2.     He was never upfront with me about their real connection and history which to me is lying. If you going to have me hanging out with an ex, I want full disclosure. I found out by “accident”. One of the girls messaged my then boyfriend and thanked him for dating her because she would had never met the “love of her life”, my then boyfriend’s bestfriend.

 3.     His friends were crappy for more than one reason but he made them a priority over me. They told him to not tell me the truth and he listened to them.

 This all blew up right when we were adjusting to living together and our relationship seemed like it was not going to last. I was ready to walk out that door BUT after countless of talks and arguments he saw the error of his ways and made a huge change. He really grew up from this experience and I can honestly say now that he has shown me he would never give up on us. Those people are not part of our lives and we are happily married. We have great communication and we are now a team.

 Trust me…I am not very forgiving person but sometimes when you give someone a chance to do right they can and you can become closer for it.

 Maybe you and your partner can still work things out?

 

 

Post # 28
Member
212 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2029

The doubts I have had w/my FH are completely then the ones I had w/guys who I didn’t end up w/.  I have always struggled w/getting a good level of communication.  When I was in a LDR, the guy could go a day or more (if I didn’t text him) w/out messaging me (at this point we were exclusive).  I kept feeling like something was and turns out he didn’t want to be w/me.  W/FH when I tell him how I feel, he does better (I do better to if he doesn’t like something).  I practically had to beg the other guy to text me even once a day, which he never even tried to improve.  I would say watch the person’s actions and see if they keep reinforcing doubts.  That’s how you know a relationship isn’t worth staying in.

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