(Closed) Did you ever say “i’m never having kids”

posted 8 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
4633 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I would ask why he thinks he would be “old” at 30-something.  And what he thinks your kids would miss out on (for the sake of 2 years).  I think if you know his fears, you may be able to set them at rest.

My parents were “older” parents and I never suffered for it.  In fact, I wanted for nothing because they both had strong careers and solid foundations.  My mum was 37 when I was born, 39 when my brothers were born (twins).  We were all naturally conceived, naturally birthed, and although there were fears of autism, downs syndrome etc with my mum having children later in life my brothers and I are totally fine.  We ran and played like other kids.  I still had active grandparents as I was growing up, and 3 are around now.  My OH is 33, and there are no plans for children in the immediate future, (though I admit having children much beyond 40 would be hard).

The idea of kids scares me too, but I want them in the future.  Heck, the idea of getting married used to scare me 2 years ago.

Sorry if I’m not much help.  Best wishes and good luck.

Post # 4
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I never had the “motherly instinct” and am still not sure if I want children. I never had that feeling that I couldn’t wait to have kids….that just wasn’t and still isn’t a goal in my life. I always say that I will know when the time is right IF I decide I want to be a mom. I’m 29 and don’t feel anything ticking…

The way I see it, if YOU are not ready, you will be regretful and have resentment. Don’t let anyone pressure you into having a child if you are not sure that you are ready for it. You will be the one carrying the child, going through the pregnancy, and most likely, doing most of the child-rearing while the baby is young. It’s easy for anyone else to say “oh have a baby!” but they do not have to raise it! One you have a kid, it will be there the rest of your life! Make sure you do everything (or most) of what you want and achieve your goals before you fully commit yourself to a new person so you do not have regret.

You need to have a serious discussion with your fiance before you get married, so that you are both on the same page and have the same goals. 

Good luck!

Post # 5
1061 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I didn’t think I ever wanted kids until I met Fiance.  I would still consider him the driving force behind us having kids; if he didn’t want them, I would be just fine to carry on the two of us.  Fiance and I are both 28 and will 29 in May/June and we don’t plan to TTC for at least 2 years.  I don’t think in this day and age that early 30’s is “old” for having kids AT ALL!  I would say it is more then norm.

You and Fiance really need to have a good long talk about this.  What are your apprehensions about having kids?  What are his about waiting?  Can you compromise and agree to have another discussion about kids 6 months into marriage and every 6 months until you are ready?

Post # 6
662 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’ve always wanted kids but used to always say that I wasn’t going to have them. I bascially said that because I knew if I said I wanted kids my mother and my Fiance mother was constantly bug me about having them. We aren’t even married yet and they have been on my case for the past 2-3 years. It was just easier to make them think I didn’t want any.

Post # 7
7586 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I always said I didn’t want kids my entire life. When Darling Husband and I started dating I told him this. He said he always thought he would have more, he has one from his first marriage, but that it wasn’t a deal breaker. About a year in I started to feel like I might want to have children. I had turned 30 and a bunch of things changed. Then I said that we should wait a year after we got married. Our one year anniversary is in less than a week and I’m 3 months pregnant already. You might be surprised about what can change ins such a short time. 

Post # 9
7586 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@kim14410: All of your concerns are valid, but totally in your control.  DH has a son that is with us every day that I love an adore. I became an instant Mom. However, my husband is my number one priority. I know that keeping my marriage fresh and alive, my husband still wanting me, and taking time for us, will benefit our children in the long run. Having happy parents can do wonders for a child.  I still go out with my friends whenever I want. I have friends who never leave their children with anyone and who are essentially glued to their children. Not me. I know going out, keeping my own identity, will keep me sane.  I don’t want to just be someone’s Mom. I want to be too.

Post # 10
828 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

yup! we had both at some point said it but here I am, 39 weeks pregnant waiting on our son….lol

We actually had “the talk” about 2 years before getting married/engaged. We’d been together for almost a decade. (I’m 31, he’s 47) maybe you can compromise? Turn that 6 months into your one year anniversary?

Post # 11
2693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2008

I totally get the ‘wanting to enjoy marriage thing’.  Fiance and I are not at all interested in having kids for the most part.  He says he’d like one (likely no more than that), but not until we are in our mid-30s (about 10 years from now).  Fiance will also be starting medical school next year, so I think of these next 8 or so years as a time when it would be a terrible idea for us to have kids.  He won’t have time! 

I was discussing this with a neighbor recently and I have to say, I do hate it when women put too much emphasis on what they think they should do, or what others say they should do (not that I think this is wht you’re doing).  It is flattering to hear you’ll be a good parent or mom, but that doesn’t mean all of a sudden your heart feels that it’s right to have a child.  I think there are three kinds of people who have children: people who truly WANT children, people who have children to fill a void in their lives, and people who have children because they themselves had a shitty childhood and want to prove they don’t have to do this to their child.  The latter two of these aren’t exactly good reasons to have kids, in my opinion.  I hate that there is a stigma that there is something wrong or selfish with people who don’t want to have kids.  It’s not a requirement.  If you don’t want to have kids and actually end up NOT having kids, don’t you think you’re doing yourself and a potential child a favor?  I don’t want to haev a kid for the hell of it if I know it’s not in my heart, because surely that will make me less of a parent that a child deserves.

Anyway, it seems you’re confused and I understand that.  You were caught off guard.  If your heart and instincts say that children are just not part of the life you want, I wouldn’t feel a single bit of guilt about that. 

However, I think there is something to be said for waiting if you do decide you want kids.  MY cousin and her husband waited until they were 38 and 40 respectively to have their daughter.  I have friends who are 25-28 that have kids.  My cousins daughter is an only child, but is totally grounded, down-to-earth, mature, intelligent, and well-rounded.  Her parents were established and mature when they had her, and they have all the time in the world to give her (my cousin homeschools her and they are involved in COUNTLESS groups/activities).  My younger friends either got pregnant by mistake or just had kids young and they are busy, struggling, and still trying to figure out who they are, all while raising kids.  I think there is A LOT to be said for waiting to have a child.  Sure, you may be 55 at a highschool graduation, but is 55 really all that old any more?  I don’t think so. 

Post # 13
7 posts

[comment moderated for trolling]

Post # 14
329 posts
Helper bee

I didn’t think I would ever want kids or have kids and I too, am somewhat of a “hard” person. I got pregnant at 27 with my now-husband’s baby and when I found out I cried because I really wasn’t sure I could do it.

I’m 30 now, our son is 2 and I cannot explain to you in words how much my little boy means to me. It is the greatest love I’ve ever known and I am amazed by him every day. I can’t picture life without him and I was never a softie until I had this boy! He opened up a part of my heart that I never even knew I had.

That being said, we got pregnant only 9 months into our relationship and even though I have no regrets, I will say that we didn’t have much time to just enjoy eachother before we had a baby. We are married now and are newlyweds with a 2 yr old so it’s a little different from most newlyweds. So my advice would be to enjoy being newlyweds for awhile if you and your husband can both agree to wait a little while.

Someone once told me you will never regret having a baby, but you will regret NOT having one. that might not be true for everyone, but this is coming from someone who never thought I would have a baby and it turned out to be the best thing I’ve ever done!!

Post # 15
7429 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

We’re not having kids. I’ll be 28 this month, hubs turns 30 next year. I have always said I didn’t want kids, and never thought I would change my mind. I was adamant with hubs while we dated that I didn’t want to have kids, so if he did, he needed to find someone else to marry. I made it very clear that I would not change my mind, so don’t go into this marriage if you want kids at all and think you would regret it later in life. Luckily, we both feel the same way. We love our nieces and nephews, and friends kids, but we also love coming home to our quiet house with our fish, dog and cat. I think our lives will be anything but lonely, and can’t wait for the adventures we will be able to have since we won’t have kids tying us down. My family is totally fine with it, but his family still tells me I might change my mind. THankfully, I have an 8 month old niece, so she’s getting a lot of attention, so the spotlight has been taken off us for a while!

I was thinking about permanent sterilization, but am now leaning more towards egg donation a couple times before I go that route.

Post # 16
573 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I don’t want kids, never have. I am always very clear about this. I do not enjoy children, never have. I honestly can not think of one reason why I would ever want to have one. I am not motherly in the least. Well actually my cousin had a son who I adore but the best part is I can hand him back when he gets fussy, messy or loud. I am not around him much and I didn’t have to carry him for 9 months. I think I’ll make a good aunt but not a good mother. Not everyone is made to have children and people who are not should stick to their gut feeling.

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