(Closed) Did you experience living on your own before you got married?

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
  • poll:
    Yes : (199 votes)
    79 %
    No : (54 votes)
    21 %
  • Post # 76
    3611 posts
    Sugar bee

    I theoretically had my own apartment, but my Darling Husband (BF at the time) slept over literally every single night, so no. I always lived with roommates before that. I probably missed out on lots of “formative experiences” like living on my own, dating/hooking up with a bunch of guys, etc., but I don’t really feel any worse off for it. I don’t think living by yourself is by any means some sort of rite of passage every woman needs to go through before settling down.

    Post # 77
    881 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2006

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    Why would you make a lot of enemies? There is a lot of truth to what you have posted.

    I’m very glad that I lived alone before marriage. I grew up in a very sexist home where I was expected to live at home until I found a husband just because I was a daughter. I’m glad that I “rebelled” and lived alone for almost six years before I moved in with my husband. I learned how to take care of myself and enjoy my own company. This helped me feel more confident. 

    Though I realize that there are cultural and religious considerations when it comes to this subject, I still think that people miss out on an essential experience when they go from their parents’ house to being married. There is the huge shock of adult responsibilities without the safety net of the parental home as well as difficulties with becoming independent if the marriage is not successful or ends suddenly due to death of a spouse. A woman who has never lived independently is far more likely to stay in an abusive marriage because she will be more fearful of being self sufficient. 

    Post # 78
    3310 posts
    Sugar bee

    Technically I haven’t lived ALONE, but from the age of 16 I was fairly independent. I managed my own money, paid my own phone bill, paid for my own books for school etc and lived away from my parents for a few years.

    From the age of 21 I shared houses with friends and/or housemates or boyfriends. I was always the one to pay the bills because I am really organised. I moved in with my Fiance when I was 26 (I think? lol), we haven’t had any issues even though he started supporting me so I could continue studying full time.

    I see it like this, we are a TEAM and he is supporting me in my time of need, I will be the main breadwinner of the household when I am fully qualified. He won’t be doing his job forever because it is reallyhard on his body.

    TBH your ex Fiance sounds like an asshole.

    Post # 79
    4605 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    First things, your ex sounds like an ass. Times are tough and if you’re able to live with your mom, work, and save some money, you’re doing better than most. He should be able to respect that.

    As for the question, yes, I lived alone before marriage. I lived with two roommates for a total of about 6 months when I was 18-19, but did not like that and have lived on my own until I was 22. I don’t know if it helped me live with my husband or not. We moved in together in 2012 after we’d both been living alone for a while and it was an adjustment. It’s not that we didn’t want to live together, we’d have done it sooner if life had allowed, but we’d both gotten used to being alone. It helped in the sense that neither one of us ‘needed’ each other around all the time and we were both able to have our own space and time for hobbies without offending each other. There are pros to living alone, but it’s not always the logical thing to do depending on circumstances. 

    I don’t think it had an effect on my maturity level. I had already been told for quite a while that I was mature for my age. I’d been working since I was 15 and paying part of my own bills (cell phone and gas) for a while by the time I moved out of my parent’s house. 

    Post # 80
    1115 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2017 - Mississauga Convention Centre

    None of us have experienced living om our own. Wemet in highschool and we both went to a University in town so we just commuted. We bought a house that we will move into after we get married

    Post # 81
    537 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2015

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    kayla037 :  yea NEXT! I moved into a dorm for college and then moved in with my husband when we were dating, after we got married we got our own place together. We were both very mature before getting together and being 100% independent, and we’re just fine now. He never said he didn’t want to be with me bc I didn’t own my own place and pay for every single bill alone. That guy sounds like a jerk. Find someone who doesn’t make lame excuses to not be with you.

    Post # 82
    502 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    I lived with roommates all throughout college, save for one summer when I had our apartment to myself while I had a grant to work on my research. I HATED living by myself, even though I’m an introvert. The extreme quiet and feeling of no other living body really got to me after a couple of weeks, and I started having insomnia issues that have lasted to this day (I’m 27 now). In grad school, I split the rent of a house with two roommates and was definitely supporting myself, though barely, with a research stipend. After grad school, I stayed home for a little over a year to help take care of my Dad, who was recovering from a heart attack, and get on my feet financially. After that, I moved in with my then-BF, who I married about a year later.

    I guess I’ve never really lived on my own in the sense of renting my own apartment or paying every single bill. Darling Husband and I are a team now and have the designated bills that we typically pay, and we’re on the same page with finances. I’m actually not sure if I could have ever lived on my own with my current job (freelance writer and adjunct professor), but together we do just fine. I still feel like I’ve matured plenty and am a reasonally functional adult, but of course I’m always learning new things. 

    Post # 83
    1170 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2017

    I’ve lived on my on in various capacities. I am divorced and lived in my own place my 2nd year of college, with roommates my 3rd and 4th years, and with my now Ex after that.  I don’t know that those years of living on my own were that mind-blowing. I was young and in college and most of my time was spent in school, working or partying. 

    I will say, that having lived on my own for 3 years after my divorce was a really great experience. I knew much more clearly who I was (in my 30’s), have a full time job, have a daughter to care for, a home I own and maintain and I actually really enjoyed having my own space, doing my own thing and figuring myself out more clearly. My boyfriend just moved in last month and now I am loving having him here, too (although it is an adjustment, but one I am ready to make).  I think spending the time alone to learn more about who I was without my ex was really important, though, so that I could better choose who I want in a partner in the future.

    One silly example, but it helps explain: I had previously been the “home maker” to make all of the decisions around organizing the kitchen. I know this sounds silly, but when my boyfriend moved in and we had to merge two similar sized kitchens into one, it was a BIG deal to both of us. Which appliances, kitchen utensils, silverware, etc would we keep/get rid of? How would we organize the kitchen with what goes where? Where do we want our coffee pot vs the Vitamix and where would we prep? We have literally spent HOURS together organizing and getting rid of stuff to make the kitchen work for both of us, but I absolutely love that he is my partner in this and that he has opinions and wants to be involved. That is the kind of partner I want, even though I’m not used to it and tend to rebel against it a smidge at times. innocent At the end of the day, when we were done, I was so happy and even more in love with him because of it all. I’m not sure I would have had the same sense of gratitude without my previous experiences of living alone and doing it myself and/or living with an ex who didn’t care and left it all up to me.

    For your ex Fiance to hold finances against you when you’re trying to get a foothold in a career isn’t cool, but I can see his point in wanting you to have that experience. I don’t know if he is a jerk or if he is just bad at communicating things in a way that isn’t jerky, but I definitely encourage you to take this freedom to explore and figure out if you even want him anymore.

    Post # 84
    505 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2017

    My Fiance and I are older (30s) so we both had time to experience living on our own before getting together.  I think that this is a truly important step that all people should experience if possible, even is living with an independent roommate.  There is a bit of independence, maturity, and respect for hard work that comes from having to provide for yourself and pay your own bills.  Just learning to pay bills on time and budget your money is something that needs to be learned.  If you have been living off parents or SO for your entire life, you don’t learn those same skills, even if you pay one bill here or there. 

    Now note, I’m not saying that you can’t do it.  Many people do and are just fine.  I’m just saying that for many other people, this is a good stepping stone for many people to fully function in adulthood.  

    As far as your future Fiance, I think that it is bad for him to call it off just because you lack that experience.  However, I can understand that he may feel entrapped right now for having to take care of himself and you as you are both still young and just getting into your jobs/careers.  Maybe if you were both bringing something to the table or even if you understood better these life skills, he wouldn’t feel this way. 

    Post # 85
    1709 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2016 - Garden

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    kayla037 :  I have that same issue, but its the other way around. My Fiance wants to marry me but my mom says I’m not ready. She wants to let me be independent and live alone before I marry. She feels like I’ve been in one controlling household and going into another controlling household will destroy me. Well, my Fiance isn’t controlling and I’ll be fine, mom, thanks :)) 

    We actually had our wedding postponed twice because of negative influences from family members. We decided to not have a big wedding just a small ceremony in September. But what I don’t understand is why your Fiance is telling you that you need to live alone. I think once you’re married, you’ll feel independent! You’ll have that independent mentality. The only difference is you have your significant other with you forever. 

    I hate it when they tell me ” you haven’t lived life yet, you’re too young, go live on your own and experience life more before you go into something big like marriage.” First off, why would I want to be alone in a creepy old apartment myself?? With lousy neighbors. You don’t think I can go to the beach and to the movies or shop alone when I’m married? Uh yeah I’ll be doing that!! Or: I’ll be working 24/7 I won’t have time to be “independent”. 

    Whatever his excuse is, it looks like he’s making up excuses to be committed to you forever. Look into this before you tie the knot.

    Post # 86
    302 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2017

    I have never lived on my own. My fiance did for college, but now lives at home with his parents. I still live with my mom and I am getting married in June. Once I am married it will be the first time ever living on my own!

    Post # 87
    4229 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

    I moved out when I was 18. I USUALLY lived in a roommate situation, and there was an eight month period where I was completely on my own. I still count living with roommates as being ‘on my own’ because I was supporting myself.

    Darling Husband lived with his Dad until he moved in with me. Transitioning to living away from home was VERY hard for him! I don’t want to go into too much detail, but his behaviours and attitudes put so much strain on our relationship we almost broke up! When his Dad had the heart attack and we had to cohabitate to take care of him a year later, Darling Husband actually seemed relieved!

    I know that everyone is different…but speaking as ‘the other side of the coin’ I can totally relate to how hard it is living with someone who hasn’t had time on their own before.

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