(Closed) Did you Fi ask you dad for your hand?

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Did your fiance ask your father for your hand in marriage?



    I don't know

  • Post # 167
    7382 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    I’m surprised there are so many yeses.  DH and I are adults.  My parents and him get along great, but there was no reason to ask.

    Post # 168
    1002 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    My father died a long time before I even knew my fiance, but he did ask my mom for her blessing. I told him it wasn’t necessary, but I thought it was really sweet, and so did she. 🙂

    Post # 169
    34 posts
    • Wedding: January 2014

    My Fiance actually made the offer to- but I had been obnoixiously against all anti-femenist traditions. I’m 25. I pay my own bills, I paid for college, and I live on my own.Plus my “dad” is a stepfather who came into my life middle school age and wasn’t around because he was deployed every year. I would be grossed out regardless of my dad relationship by him asking someone to transfer “ownership” of me as I am not an object.

    However, I do think that when other women appreciate that gesture/tradition and their Fiance is sweet enough to make that move, it is so precious. I had a friend who didn’t agree to her FI’s first proposal because he didn’t get her dad and mom’s permission. It was important to her and I’m so glad he respected it once he realized how important it was. 

    Post # 170
    17 posts

    I am not yet engaged, but I always knew that I wanted my future husband to inform my parents of his intentions, although I don’t believe in “asking permission.” I am close to my parents and it would take some of the stress out of accepting a proposal to know that my parents knew it was happening and were (presumably) ok with it. I think it is a sweet gesture, and demonstrates trust and closeness between your intended and your family. 

    That being said, my mother is no longer living so it’s just my dad, and my boyfriend kind of ended up declaring his intentions during a really awkward conversation between the three of us. I’m a full-time student and my dad is helping me pay for school, and I am also living with my boyfriend in a house that his parents bought for us. We are slowly but surely paying them back (instead of a bank!) in the form of “rent”. Long story short, my boyfriend ended up getting frustrated and tried explaining that he would eventually inherit the house and that “any thinking person” (not the best choice of words; my dad can be difficult…) could see that we’d end up getting married and would *both* own the house at that point in time. My dad looked SHOCKED, as though the idea that we might someday get married had never occurred to him before, despite the fact that we agreed to commit financially to a house together, have been living together for a year, etc… My dad, eyes wide, replied “Well, I didn’t know that! That’s why we’re having this conversation.” 

    Sorry for the essay, but this whole exchange has been bothering me since it happened. My boyfriend and I have been seriously considering marriage for more than a year now, and this was no secret to my father; I was very frank about this when my boyfriend and I moved in together, and my dad was really supportive of that move. It hurt my feelings that my dad hadn’t taken me seriously when I told him my boyfriend and I were moving in that direction. Does it only count if the intended husband says something? Does he view me as a neurotic and delusional silly girl for thinking the guy I’m dating wants to marry me? I don’t know if anyone else has had this experience, but it’s definitely not the way I saw “the talk” going down, and I really can’t imagine my boyfriend going back to ask for a blessing after that. He asked me in the car ride home if it freaked me out when he told my dad he wanted to marry me… So I guess that was it? 

    Post # 171
    1198 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    Nope, he didn’t and that was a-okay with me.  

    Post # 172
    1922 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    Mine asked my father for his blessing at a big family lunch. They went outside on the premise of checking out my FI’s new car. He would have asked me to marry him anyway, but it was a sweet gesture. He knows how important my father is to me. My father said “of course!”. 

    My Fiance asked my dad to try to keep it from my step-mother, but said he would never ask him to lie to his wife. Just that if my step-mother found out she would immediately tell my sister, thus I would find out right away.

    So needless to say, my Fiance asked me to marry him the next morning. 

    Post # 173
    404 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014 - Smithfield Center

    Nope. My mom lives in FLA and dad in GA, and aside from that my dad has barely been in my life at all so it would have been strange to say the least…I guess he could have asked my grandparents, whom I live with, but he didn’t and it doesn’t bother me at all.

    Post # 174
    3879 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    @allieluvs21:  No (with either husband). And honestly, I would have preferred they didn’t. I was already on my own, paying my own way, so it would have been very strange and awkward to me to have someone do that. And it just seems like a throwback to olden days where there were contracts between families. Not my style.

    If I had been 18 and living and home, that might be a different story. But even then, I don’t really see the point. I know people say it’s a respect thing, but as a grown woman, I don’t need anyone’s permission/blessing. Plus, if they had said no, I would have done it anyway, so it didn’t factor in for me.

    Not only that, but I guarantee my parents would have been like WTF?! Ask her, not us! Tongue Out

    Post # 175
    1845 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I am a ‘waiting bee’ so there has not yet been a proposal, but I know MJ (FI-to-be) and my mother (my father is not a part of my life) have discussed our engagement.

    My mum’s called MJ her ‘son’ for the past year (at least). She has two girls and always wanted a boy so they are quite close – whenever MJ goes back to our hometown, he stays at my mums place and they go out for coffee/lunch/dinner etc, I am also pretty sure she talks to him more often then she talks to me!

    I don’t think it’s so much ‘asking permission’ as getting her blessing and following a tradition that my mother views as important. I would still expect him to ask and still say yes, even if my mother said “No” – I am an adult and can make my own decisions on who to marry, but it’s nice that my mother ‘approves’ of my future husband and loves him as her own.

    Post # 176
    110 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    My DH didn’t ask for my dad’s hand in marriage, but he was actually going to. Turns out that the moment that we went down to visit (for a Christmas party/weekend before Christmas) he was planning to ask then, but my dad was out of town for work. We didn’t know this until maybe a day before we left? So, his plans of asking kind of got ruined because we live too far away to just drive down again before he proposed on Christmas morning. It was super special that he had actually planned to ask, even though my I know my dad would have given him permission. 

    Post # 177
    521 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    My fiance asked my dad the day before I was leaving to move in with him. Neither one gave me details of the conversation except that my dad said he welcomed my fiance into the family.

    Post # 178
    614 posts
    Busy bee

    My fiance didn’t ask my dad first but then panic’d after and called him before I was allowed to tell anyone lol. He said “just say the word, I will take it back” they both laughed, he knew dad loves him and would say yes

    Post # 179
    57 posts
    Worker bee

    Not engaged, but I know he’s planning on asking my father. =)

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