Did you find online dating discouraging? Any tips?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
9673 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Have you had a close friend or family member look over your profile for you? Sometimes we might write things that we don’t realize send off the wrong impression and they turn people off. I would have someone you trust look over what you’ve put in your profile and give you any pointers or advice they might have.

Post # 4
Member
386 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

I would say broaden your search – try another site (free ones can be great if you don’t want another paid one!)

Post # 5
Member
126 posts
Blushing bee

I’ve never tried one myself, but I agree with pp, try branching out a bit. I have friends who love coffee meets bagel.

Post # 6
Member
9623 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

I met my Darling Husband online so in general I’m pretty happy with online dating lol.

 

The OKCupid blog has great tips on what sort of photos get the most views, etc.. things you didn’t realize mattered for some rason do.  I know it sucks to have to cater to people’s preferences, but I have no doubt a lot of these are subconcious.  E.g. as women we prefer shots of men who are not smiling and are looking off camera.  Not gonna lie, at first when i read that advice I was like “BS” but when they showed an example of that vs smiling to the camera I felt my gut being like “yup, totally agree”..  

Personally, the one biggest switch I made which made the online dates I went on go from being total flops to pretty great guys (including DH) was: I stopped using negative terms, and focused solely on what I wanted.

E.g. instead of “I’m not interested in a guy who has no career” I changed it to “I want someone with a strong career”

“I’m not interested in someone who’se a lazy slob” -> “I want someone who enjoys sports and athletic activities.  Even better if they’re the same ones I like (namely: running) so we can do it together!”

etc.. for whatever reason (I have hypotheses, but of course I can’t say for sure) suddenly I started meeting really quality men.

Post # 7
Member
1366 posts
Bumble bee

What does your profile say? Are you in a rural area? I find it very odd that men in the late 20-thirties age bracket aren’t messaging you or responding to your messages. I wonder if there is something in your profile that is weeding them out. Unfortunatley online dating allows people to be exceptionally picky and to overlook people for really insignificant things or criteria. 

Post # 8
Member
473 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

beth86 :  Just wanted to give you some words of hope! I met my now Fiance on Match and it took months to find “Mr. Right” haha I wouldn’t get too discouraged. Some day when you least expect it someone will message you that’s worth going on a date with! And maybe he won’t be “the one” but it will most definitely boost your self-confidence to know you DO have a lot to offer! I also recommend what the PPs said and maybe try another dating site. I personally wouldn’t use a free one because I found there to be way more “weirdos” on those rather than one you have to pay for, in my own personal experience. Good luck, Bee! The right man will come along, I promise! 🙂

Post # 9
Member
39 posts
Newbee

Girl I had a rough time online dating! Match was probably the site where I got the least dates – that and eHarmony. Bumble worked out for me, that is where I found my man. I went on 60 dates. It takes a while but don’t lose faith. I also found that people I messaged usually didn’t message me back, that was super disheartening and honestly made me feel super unattractive (cause I know I’m awesome so how could they reject my personality wink). 

Post # 10
Member
5126 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

Try another site. 

I met my husband right away on Plenty of Fish. I didn’t have any trouble finding quality guys on there, though there were a lot of weird ones to weed through too so it was a bit of work. Everyone I actually met was nice and normal. So don’t shy away from the free sites; they’re free, what do you have to lose by looking?

I had a friend that could not find anyone on POF, but had great luck with OkCupid. So if one doesn’t work, try another. The right guy for you is out there, he just might not be on Match. 

Post # 11
Member
219 posts
Helper bee

agreed with PP, get a second opinion about your profile, preferably from someone with some experience in online dating.  sometimes we don’t realize how our typed descriptions might read to a stranger.  pics are really important too, no more than one selfie, no confusing group shots, nothing overtly sexual, and you have to include at least one shot showing your whole body, no matter how insecure you might be about it.  guys don’t like being deceived by the angles and you wana make sure you’re getting someone who likes you for all of you anyway!  it’s usually a good idea to include pictures of yourself doing activities you really enjoy so prospective suitors can get a visual story about your personality.  please please please try to avoid basic profile text such as “I love to go on adventures!” or “if you wana know, just ask!” or any version of “I love to netflix and chill” or “I’m down to earth” because those phrases are common filler that tell you absolutely nothing about a person.  You want to include a couple really personal, unique fun facts that will stop the right guy in his swiping tracks and make him think ‘huh, that girl sounds different than the others, this one looks interesting, etc’ because unfortunately your profile is just swimming in a vast sea of other beautiful fish.  you have to find some way to stand out to the kind of guy you’re looking for.  I would also HIGHLY recommend, maybe reevaluate how picky you’re being..attraction can certainly develop after getting to know someone, and some men just really aren’t photogenic, but totally delicious in person when you can see their smile and hear their laugh.  also, from my many years of dating experience, most men don’t “know how to be”, especially when approaching a girl for the first time, and especially especially when trying to sound cute or clever via an online forum.  text speak can read creepy when it’s meant to be flirty, or rude when meant to be funny, and a lot of these guys would talk however the hell you want them to if you would just tell them what to do!  things that might come across as offensive to you might just be the unfortunate product of some bad advice they got from a friend.  give some of them a chance, call them out when they’re being gross and see if you get any fun back and forth from them.  sometimes they really will be duds, and thats the beauty of online dating, you block em and move on.  but some will apologize and admit they’ve never done this before and aren’t sure how to break the ice.  and it’s always fun to use those experiences as stories for your next chat buddy..tell them about that one guy who messaged you that totally awful pickup line and laugh about how exhausting online dating is.

I’ll be honest, it takes quite a bit of sorting through frogs, but there are lots of princes out there and if you stick it out you’re sure to find one.  One last piece of advice, if I can make an app recommendation in particular, Coffee Meets Bagel was a godsend for me.  It seems to attract a more respectable crowd and gentlemen who were very explicit about wanting a long term relationship and not just a hook up.  However, you get less choices daily, the app shows you one match a day and you have the option of buying more if you choose.  I did a lot of research on the science of online dating and it really is true that the problem today is too many choices.  A guy might see a girl he likes but when you know you have an unlimited well of women to choose from, you’ll keep swiping in the hopes that someone better is right around the corner.

Just kidding! One more reccomendation!!  The book, Marry Him: The Case For Settling For Mr. Good Enough, by Lori Gottlieb.  It was a game changer for me and really helped get me in the right mindset when looking to pick a partner.

If you actually read this far, YAS, thanks for humoring me.  I met my boyfriend on Coffee Meets Bagel and we’ve been together over a year.  He’s the one for sure.

Post # 12
Member
3094 posts
Sugar bee

No dates in 6 months? Ask someone who is honest with you about what kind of pictures you have up? Hate to say it, but usually if no men even close to 30 are not messaging you at all with no dates for 6 months – as a woman – usually it’s the pictures. If the pictures are fine, then reevaluate your profile…there are even professional profile services that you can take advantage of that aren’t too expensive.

Post # 13
Member
3672 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

I had terrible luck with Match.com, very similar to your experience. I was on Plenty of Fish as well  as Match and lots of the same guys were on both. I would message a guy on Match and they’d ignore me, but a while later they’d message me on POF but not mention that I’d messaged them on Match… it was very weird. I heard that guys have to pay on match and if they dont have a paid membership, they cant see your pics. I would suggest trying another site. I had much more luck on POF, although there was a TON of weeding to do on there. I just made it a rule to chat with someone a bit before agreeing to meet. I met my current SO on POF, and he’s lovely!

Post # 14
Member
433 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I met my hubby on POF give it a shot!

Post # 15
Member
384 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

Hell no! I had a blast meeting different people. I was only on eHarmony and Tinder. I met my husband on eHarmony and a friend tried it after we made it official. That friend ended up getting engaged a month after us!!!!

I think it’s about mentality and location. Certain dating sites attract certain demographics so keep that in mind. Use Diffen to compare sites. Here’s an example for Match and eHarmony: http://www.diffen.com/difference/Match.com_vs_eHarmony

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