Post # 1
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
I told my mom I don’t want kids, and she wasn’t even a little bit distressed about my declaration because she’s absolutely positive I’ll change my mind when I’m older. I’m 25 and DH is 30. It was a little upsetting to have my feelings dismissed so completely but she’s my mom so maybe she knows something I don’t?
DH is also on the no babies train and always has been- but says if I decided it was something I wanted and we could afford private school and college, he could get on board. Of course whenever we’re in Target he gives me a “aren’t you glad we don’t have a screaming devil rn” speech so I’m not sure how he’d be as a father.
I think one of the driving factors for us is imagining raising children in the current (post smartphone) world. It’s just horrifying to us to think of having teenagers exposed to so much so young. I was a pretty geeky kid and hated my childhood/high school experience despite having wonderful parents, and it would be hard for me to see someone else go through that.
I can handle the idea of a cute little baby, but genuinely not once in my life have I had any warm feelings to a child age 5-18. It seems like a lot of work and not a lot of reward. My cousins are all off having 3+ kids each so I get plenty of time with well mannered kids and I just don’t really enjoy it.
We just recently got to the point in life where a baby wouldn’t be catastrophic news, and I’m surprised at how often the topic has been coming up in my mind. Is that a sign I want one??! I’m turning into a crazy person hyperanyzing every interaction with a minor these days.
So I guess my question is, for those of you who felt the same way I did about not having kids, did you “grow out of it” or did you stick to your guns? Obviously there’s still plenty of time for me to decide, but I don’t want to change my logical decision because of biological hormone feelings when/if those hit.
Post # 2
Member
7886 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
I didn’t want any kids till I was in my late 20s and had met DH. I’m still not a baby crazy person, and I think a lot of people go overboard with kid things, but now here I am pregnant, reasonably enthused, and due in the spring. Not everyone does, but I do think a significant number of people change their mind about this issue as life happens. It is what it is.
Post # 3
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
craigslistgirl : congrats on your pregnancy! I do think it really is something you can’t know for sure until you’re older… but I’m such a planner control freak that not deciding bothers me lol.
Post # 4
Member
5243 posts
Bee Keeper
My husbands daughter (I don’t really like saying step daughter because I adore her and it doesn’t seem to fit) has said a few times that she doesn’t want to have kids.
I’ve told her, you might change your mind but you might not. And that’s ok. Society tells women that they have to be mothers and that’s just not true. If you don’t change your mind, you might get people making you feel like something is wrong with you, but that’s not the case at all. It’s perfectly fine to not want kids so don’t let anyone make you feel bad about your choice.
As for me, I always knew I wanted to be a mother. Of as many kids as possible. And twins! I’ve killed many a sims character by using the pregnancy cheat to get her pregnant with twins. She would always die and I would be like… “omg… sooooo dramatic!” Then I had my daughter who is two and a half. And I get it. Lol. I sometimes think I want another but then other times I’m ok with just her. My husband is ten years older so he isn’t sure if he will want another when we are in the position to have a second one.
eta, I don’t think I really responded to what you were looking for, but your comments about your mom made me want to share the story about my husbands daughter, as someone who always wanted kids talking to someone who doesn’t.
Post # 5
Member
9523 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
I was on the fence until a couple of years ago (so through my mid-20s). I was (and still am) most scared about the preteen/teenage years because the world is definitely not as safe a place as it once was and the stuff my 15/16-year-old relatives seem into scare the living bejesus out of me. But I also know that there are still good people in the world (and good kids being raised), so it’s possible. I also haven’t had the best relationship with my mom, which scares me—but also motivates me.
It’ll definitely be a challenge—probably the biggest of our lives—but we’re up for it and the joys that’ll (hopefully) come along with it, and at the end of the day, we just can’t wait to shower our son with love and watch him grow up.
Post # 6
Member
1706 posts
Bumble bee
So far we are on the “no” side of the kids fence, and feel that way still. We’ve been together 11 years, originally thought we wanted children, the older we got the less we wanted them, and then just decided unless one of us gets hit bad with the baby bug, we’ll be happy being child free.
I’m currently undergoing some issue with my new IUD, and have an apppointment to get things checked out soon, told my boss I’d have to leave early, he asked why so I was upfront about it (he has a wife and 5 daughters, so he’s cool AF about women’s stuff), and I jokingly said the best case scenario was it shifted, worst case was ectopic prenancy, and he responded “Well, it could be regular pregnancy, just ask my wife, her IUD failed and that’s how we ended up with #5”.
I DIED. I was/am just horrified by the idea, and immediately starting running through a mental list of abortion providers and maybe taking my husband up on his offer to get a vasectomy. So…. yup, currently still don’t want kids. Personally, I don’t have any friends who didn’t want kids who changed their minds, only those who wanted kids but coudln’t due to various health issues/infertility, and those who didn’t want them so far haven’t.
Post # 7
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
Sansa85 : thanks for sharing! I do think it’s so hard to get unbiased advice about this topic since most of society seems to think you’re a bad person if you don’t want kids, and other people are so strongly anti-children empowerment that they’re not impartial either.
My mom is extremely supportive of my choices normally, so her very enthusiastic insistence that I’ll have a kid one day just kind of shocked me.
Espeically since she isn’t exactly the most maternal type. We are both engineers / career minded women and she’s told me about how she planned to be a Stay-At-Home Mom for all of 2 weeks and then called at 6am on Mondsy to beg for her job back because she just needs adult interaction every day.
Post # 8
Member
9228 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
Honestly posts like this are part of the problem. The No Kids (terrible name) section was supposed to be a place where those that have decided to be childfree by choice or circumstance had a space (like ttc, parenting etc) to talk about issues that affect us but instead it is invaded constantly by posters talking about how it took them ages to want kids, how great having kids was etc etc.
This post should have gone in another (parenting) section because you are asking for the opinion of people who want/have kids.
It is bad enough that society tells us that there is something wrong with us for not wanting kids but then a supposedly safe space is full of the joys of parenthood.
Post # 9
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
j_jaye : honestly I’m shocked you feel this way about my post… I was looking for support/encouragement from people who have always felt they don’t want kids only to have their feelings belittled, as much as I was asking parents if this really is one of those things they might change their mind on one day. The no kids forum seems to be full of questions similar to mine and I have enjoyed reading old posts and drawing confidence in my decision from them.
I don’t think a single reply has been about extolling “the joys of parenthood”, and if anything your reply is the only one that’s so reactive it makes it hard to have an unbiased and open conversation about the very real and difficult decision not to have children.
Post # 10
Member
1320 posts
Bumble bee
I’m 35 and pregnant for the first time, it took me that long to be ready and I’m still terrified!!
Post # 11
Member
2990 posts
Sugar bee
I’m a mom, but most of my friends are CFBC in their 30s, 40s, and 50s and are leading perfectly happy, fulfilled lives. They have cats and hobbies and the best jobs and they travel. And no, they didn’t change their minds about kids and I really feel for them when people dismiss their feelings and choices.
It is okay not to like kids. It’s okay to like kids but prefer them in small doses. It’s okay not to breed in this overpopulated world.
Don’t second guess your choices because your mom wants grandkids. That’s usually what it comes down to. I knew I wanted to have only one and do all the things before becoming an older mom so I’d have no regrets, and people bugged me about how my eggs were going to expire. It’s like okay, you were a young mom and that worked for you. I want to be a more mature mom. My parents and in-laws are pestering me for more like I’m some kind of Pez machine. Nope.
Post # 12
Member
2848 posts
Sugar bee
j_jaye : I’m with you on this.
OP, its not fair to say someone “grew out of” wanting kids and I think it’s rather insensitive. Being CFBC is not a phase, it’s not like listening to emo music or liking (insert boy band name here) or thinking your parents aren’t cool. It’s a choice a woman makes for herself, for her own reasons. Do some people start off CFBC and change their minds later on down the line? Sure. But I believe they are the exception rather than the rule.
I never wanted kids. Never. Whenever the topic came up, and I’d say I didn’t want kids, I’d get knowing smirks, and those patronizing uhh huhhhs (sometimes accompanied by an eye roll). I was still staunchly CFBC until my 30s, when I got pregnant unexpectedly, and the pregnancy ended with a fetal demise. The loss I experienced, and the grief I went through afterwards, made me very much want a child. I now have a 2 year old, and am pregnant with a little girl. If I hadn’t gone through what I went through, I don’t know that I ever would have had kids.
Post # 13
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
Commenting as someone who doesn’t have kids but intends to, I don’t really see it as something for me to “get something out of”. That’s fundamentally not what having children is about, so you’re not being illogical to observe that it’s not necessarily a fun experience. I look forward to having children because I look forward to creating new humans and helping them lead a life worth living and hopefully make a positive contribution to the next generation even if in a small and simple way. “The world is bad, don’t have children” doesn’t compel me because to me the answer is to help improve the world and teach your kids to do the same – I don’t think it’s necessary to guarantee every detail of your children’s lives to know that they are lives worth living.
Post # 14
Member
993 posts
Busy bee
12_Elle : Nothing to grow out of. Some people want kids and some people don’t. I’m one of those people who knew from the time I was old enough to know where babies came from that I didn’t want any. I’m 43 now and haven’t had an urge to procreate even once.
Post # 15
Member
969 posts
Busy bee
des- : I changed the name of the thread. I just used it because those are the exact words my mom said to me. I certainly didn’t mean to belittle anyone’s choices.
I honestly didn’t mean to imply that CFBC is a phase… in fact, I was trying to ask the exact question you answered. It seems crazy to me that I could feel so strongly I don’t want children now and change my mind later… but I also didn’t believe my mom when she said I’d regret my first tattoo or that I wasn’t in love with my high school boyfriend, but Now that I’m older I can see how naive I was when I made those decisions.
So I guess to rephrase my question: is it pretty common to start out adulthood feeling like you never want kids and then change your mind when you’re older, or is it more likely that if I don’t want kids now I won’t change my mind?