Did you change your mind about no kids

posted 1 week ago in No Kids
  • poll: Did you not want kids and change your mind later?
    Never wanted kids, never had kids : (39 votes)
    42 %
    Never wanted kids, decided to have kids : (18 votes)
    19 %
    Was on the fence about kids, didn’t have kids : (12 votes)
    13 %
    Was on the fence about kids, had kids : (24 votes)
    26 %
  • Post # 46
    Member
    403 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2019

    My mother is incredibly presumptuous and says the same sort of things.  She reminds me of the fact that when I was a tween/teen I wanted kids as if that somehow supersedes my 34-year-old adult perspective.  For me it’s a combination of things.  I’m not super interested in other people’s kids.  I don’t mind spending time with them because it’s obviously important to the people I care about who have kids, but it’s not something that inherently appeals to me.  There are people who will say it’s different when you have your own kids, but I don’t feel that maternal drive.  While I’m also open to life change, I don’t think I’m willing to make the kind of sacrifices necessary to fit kids into my life.  My life is quite busy now and I don’t see anything I’d be willing to give up to fit kids in.  Furthermore, the finances it would require would necessitate some shifts in our professional lives that I don’t think we’d be willing to make.

    So net net, for me it’s a combination of not really feeling the material pull and being pragmatic enough to know what changes I am and am not willing to make to my life.

    Post # 47
    Member
    83 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2017 - Preservation Park, Oakland CA

    I have felt since I was like 11 and first thought about it that I do not want kids, not now and not ever. Im 28 now and just got married last year, and this still hasn’t changed. I used to think that when I got married and saw other friends having kids that maybe I would change my mind, but if anything its made me feel more strongly against having kids. My husband is more of a fence sitter, and is fine with whatever happens whether we never have kids or do decide to one day. I really have zero maternal instincts, they have never kicked in as I got older, and when I see babies/kids they don’t make me happy and I dont think they are cute.

    I think for us it boils down to a) We like being able to live comfortably on our income and not have to live constantly strained because we now have to put 1/3rd (or more) of that income towards a child and b) We are the kind of people that literally sometimes like to pick up and go for a trip with like hours notice. We enjoy the flexibility we have and the spontaneity it allows and I can’t see us wanting to give that up. So unless one day I suddenly get maternal instincts, our financial situation improves to where we can still enjoy the quality of life we have now and afford a child, or we just one day decide we have no interest in being able to do what we want when we want then maybe we will reconsider. I want different things than I wanted 5 years ago so its hard to say for 100% certain 5-10 years down the line we wont want one. But right now I can say with 99% certainty that I wont be having kids and I wont be changing my mind.

    Post # 48
    Member
    6666 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 2010

    12_Elle :  

    The No Kids forum really should be the one place on the Bee where the CFBCs can gather and talk freely about our experiences.

    Yet, here we are with ‘congratulations on your pregnancy’ posting. Yes, that’s lovely, congratulations.  But, this is the wrong place.  The mommies have scads of threads of their own.  We aren’t barging onto the pregnancy and baby forums going on about how the Bees over there might wish they had gone CFBC someday.

    This is also not the Fence Sitter Forum.  

    Let us have our little corner of the Bee to discuss our unique lifestyle choices.

    Post # 49
    Member
    5804 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Didn’t want them. Didn’t have them. No regrets. I had people dismissing my feelings, too. HATE that.

    Post # 50
    Member
    190 posts
    Blushing bee

    sassy411 :  

    I’m a new member and I’m a bit turned off by how many mothers have posted in this section just be condescending. I have not noticed similar behavior in the Parenting section from childfree Bees. 

    My journey to childfreedom was more complicated. I was traumatized by a birth video which I saw when I was a young teenager. I still thought that I would have kids in spite of being haunted by that video. My mind changed once I worked as a nanny. I also realized that my health problems would make pregnancy and post partum very difficult if not potentially dangerous for myself and my baby.

    I thought about my own childhood and remembered how trapped and resentful my mother was. I chose a childfree man to marry. Many parents are jealous of us because we have far more freedom and extra income since we don’t have children. Some friendships have ended because my old friends wouldn’t stop making nasty comments about my choice. 

    Post # 51
    Member
    2516 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    sassy411 :  

    To be fair, I always hit “all boards” so I never notice which board the post is being posted to. Occasionally I will, like if it’s a really vague title so I get an idea of what it’s about before clicking.

    There are usually a few posts on parenting threads from child free people giving their advice.

    I really am sorry that you feel like your space has been invaded, and I’m not saying that in a snarky way at all because I can see why you would be annoyed.

    I just don’t always pay attention to where the thread has been posted.

    I only wanted to share because I was proud of my discussion that I had with my husbands daughter about her wanting to be child free because it was the opposite of me but I felt like I could give her the strength to not have her feelings written off. She’s 19 now so I feel like I can have heavy chats with her.

    Post # 52
    Member
    19 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: May 2000

    47 y/o married for 18 years with no kids. At my twenties having gf marrying and some having babies I was sure I didn’t want to spend my time, effort and money on a child. In my late 30 I was happy that I don’t have kids because of many many additional reasons. 

    Now that I’m in peri menopause I don’t regret not having children. Husband is on the same page. 

    Post # 53
    Member
    510 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2018

    My mom never wanted kids, met my dad and they said no kids. She swears though the day she woke up on her 30th birthday, BAM, there was this sudden urge to just want to have a kid. Who knows though. She said it was her biological clock. Had me at 36.

    Post # 54
    Member
    6249 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2014

    totallyabee :  see I think people who are truly CFBC don’t just change their minds. As I said in my post, it is an ingrained part of me and so for me the idea of being persuaded otherwise is a bit like being persuaded that I actually do believe in God.

    My now husband thought he wanted children. When I decided I likely didn’t (and then definitely didn’t) I would 100% have ended it of he hadn’t also analysed his feelings and decided that actually, kids weren’t for him either. Had he decided he did want children there is no way I would have ‘compromised’ and had them. I would have simply decided that although I love him we are not compatible, and ended it.

    So when I hear people changing their minds because of their husbands, intend to think of them as never having been CFBC. And indeed often when you dig deeper it becomes even more apparent that they were never CFBC.

    Honestly, unless someone cites just not wanting them as their reason, I tend to be sceptical. Like I hear people citing finances as their reason for example: to me, there is simply a benefit of not having kids, but it is not the reason I don’t want them. Someone who cites finances as a reason is, IMO, child free by circumstance, as financial situations change and so if this is the main reason, there is every chance that person will change their mind.

    Post # 55
    Member
    578 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2018

    12_Elle :  

    I had always been told I couldn’t have kids, which was fine with me. I didn’t like kids. At all. At 27 I got pregnant and made the decision with my ex to have our son. 3 years later we also had a daughter. I adore my children ( not really kids anymore they’re 19 and 16 now ) and like ( I love them but I also really like them ) them more and more as people the older they get. 

    My FI’s ex wife was all about babies all the time. Was a SAHM and they had their daughter at 24 and son three years later so his kids are 21 and 19. They all live with us. His ex has pretty much said I’m done now and rarely sees her children. They have really no relationship with their mother. 

    Point of this I guess is desperately wanting kids doesn’t make you a great parent and not wanting kids wouldn’t make you a bad parent . You may change your mind and you might not. There is no right or wrong but I can tell you that just because you don’t like kids doesn’t mean you wouldn’t love yours. I still as a general rule can’t stand other people’s kids. At all lol. 

    Post # 56
    Member
    190 posts
    Blushing bee

    barbie86 :  

    One of my friends had a baby because her husband and her MIL were pressuring her. 

    She complains that her MIL says she is not an involved mother. Her daughter is being raised by nannies and her MIL. She had her MIL potty train her child because it was “too much work.”

    I don’t understand the point of having an unwanted child and then barely doing any parenting. It doesn’t seem fair to the kid. 

    Post # 57
    Member
    377 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2017

    barbie86 :  I agree 100% with all of this. I also think of childfree by circumstances different than childfree by choice.  You’re still choosing to not have kids but if your circumstances changed than you probably would have a child. There is no situation in where I would want a child. My life could change completely from what it is now (and that includes my husband suddenly wanting kids) and I still wouldn’t want kids. I’m glad somebody else sees the two as different. 

    Post # 58
    Member
    6666 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 2010

    barbie86 :  

    ’see I think people who are truly CFBC don’t just change their minds. As I said in my post, it is an ingrained part of me and so for me the idea of being persuaded otherwise is a bit like being persuaded that I actually do believe in God.’

    Amen and thank you.

    Post # 59
    Member
    6249 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2014

    oceangirl40 :  exactly. As I said for me things like the financial side of it (being on a lowish income but still being quite comfortable financially compared to most because we don’t have kids) is a bonus, but not a reason why I’m CFBC. I could win a billion pounds tomorrow and I still would not want children: I would just have even more money to spend as I wish.

    There are zero circumstances in which I would ever have children, because I just do not want them. Much like I am not going to suddenly start believing in God, or being sexually attracted to women.

    Post # 60
    Member
    91 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: January 2015

    I always knew I wanted kids, but my husband changed his mind. 

    When we first started dating he said he didn’t want to have kids, and wasn’t sure if he wanted to get married ever. 

    He was 28, turning 29 at the time, so pretty set in his ways. 

    He also proposed after a year, and then a year later I got pregnant. 

    I think your situation is different because you’ve already found ‘that’ person you want to spend the rest of your life with. My husband said he changed his mind when he found someone he wanted to share those things with. And here we are two years later and HE’S the one who’s pushing for a second. Lol. 

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