Did you change your mind about no kids

posted 2 years ago in No Kids
  • poll: Did you not want kids and change your mind later?
    Never wanted kids, never had kids : (42 votes)
    42 %
    Never wanted kids, decided to have kids : (19 votes)
    19 %
    Was on the fence about kids, didn’t have kids : (14 votes)
    14 %
    Was on the fence about kids, had kids : (24 votes)
    24 %
  • Post # 76
    Member
    5614 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    barbie86 :  I’m sorry I shared my experience.  I’ll keep that crap to myself from now on.  A forum is a discussion, and I wasn’t undermining anyone’s decisions by responding to OP.

    Post # 77
    Member
    6303 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2014

    SithLady :  so basically, you had reasons other than simply not wanting them? You disliked being around them, you liked your independence. 

    This is my point. Again, for me, those two things are bonuses of not having children ( I don’t like being around them and being CFBC means I have extremely limited contact with them; and I do like my independence). But the reason I don’t want them is simply that I don’t. I have no other reasons. As I said previously I don’t know anyone like me who simply just does not want them, who has changed their mind. Whereas I know plenty who had various reasons (such as yours) for not having them, who have. 

    Post # 78
    Member
    6303 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2014

    SeaOfLove :  I am not saying you were deliberately trying to undermine anyone, just that what you said does undermine people who are CFBC. Most people who are CFBC find those types of comments patronising, for the reasons I’ve given.

    Post # 79
    Member
    6303 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2014

    12_Elle :  I don’t think any of us were attacking you. We have simply expressed frustration at some of the responses from people who claimed to have been CFBC and ‘changed their minds’, because those people were never truly CFBC. Because of that, I don’t think their input is helpful.

    You shouldn’t allow others to bingo you. You would be raising the child for 18+ years, not them. You would be spending the time and money on the child, not them. Etc. If your mother is that desperate to have children in her life, maybe she could foster? 

    With regards to abortion: personally I don’t consider someone who would keep a child to be childfree, as I said earlier. I also disagree with you that keeping a child you don’t want, rather than having it adopted by people who do want a child, is the best option for the child.

    Post # 80
    Member
    5126 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: December 2014

    @barbie86

    Yeah I don’t really see the difference. There was not any circumstance where I would have wanted or found having a kid acceptable. But I understand that you need everyone to fit your argument and that’s fine.

    Post # 81
    Member
    5614 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    12_Elle :  I’m so sorry you’re facing so much scrutiny.  It’s so hard to hear people whose opinions you truly value doubting your seriousness in your decision.  I hope you’re able to avoid that conversation and they don’t keep bringing it up 🙁  I’m also sorry about how much fear you have about becoming pregnant… that’s such a real thing.  Have you and/or your husband talked to your doctors about a semi-permanent solution?  Really, I think you would have more comfort in a fool-proof birth control plan, if that would ease your mind.  You could always consider sterilization down the road if/when you’re ready.

    Post # 82
    Member
    10458 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    barbie86 :  

    Reading the first parts of your post, I thought you were me for a few minutes there.

    I so get it.  Dh and I always make eating out plans with consideration given to how likely children will be in the restaurant.  Nothing like someone else’s screaming brat to ruin the ambiance. I have noticed parents are more considerate here than they were in California.  They will usually take the kid outside.

    Hint:  weekends, try lunch at 2-3 pm.  We’ve had good luck with that.

    As for maternal instinct, my dogs satisfy whatever urges I ever had in that direction.

    Like you, I never cared for children. When a friend had her baby and she insisted, really insisted, I hold her, I couldn’t give her back fast enough.

     

    Post # 84
    Member
    9024 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    12_Elle :  Oh come on now you named a thread “did you change your mind about no kids?” And posted it in the no kids section! Stop playing dumb. That is a ridiculous question and thread name for this section and invited posts from parents. Not to mention that this is the number one bingo square on the CFBC bingo card “You’ll change your mind”. And then acting all innocent about why CFBC bee’s are complaining about your post.

    There have been countless posts asking CFBC how they were sure they didn’t want kids and how they deal with the arses that question and undermine their decision to be CFBC without asking a tactless question directed at people who have have decided to have kids in the no kids section.

     

    Post # 85
    Member
    230 posts
    Helper bee

    30, have known since I was a teenager that I didn’t want kids.

    My reasons (if it helps at all) are that if I were to have a kid, I would give up my entire life for that child. My finances, time, energy, etc. I would love that child to death and my own life would probably cease to exist.

    Which is why I don’t want a child…because I never want to give up the current financial, emotional, mental, and time freedom that I have. It’s precious to me and for that reason I am CFBC. Also, I’m not easily humoured or enamoured by kids, regardless of age.

    And YOH some of the comments here. I think your post is spot on regarding category because you also want feedback from people without kids. Right? You’re asking about people who changed their minds AND people who didn’t. So I hope you’re able to ignore those continuously sassing you about it. *eye roll*

    Post # 86
    Member
    5614 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: September 2015

    12_Elle :  I’m so sorry you had such a hard time with the IUD. I had a friend whose body rejected it, and she was in SO much pain for so long 🙁  I totally understand why not getting periods, if even intentionally, would give you anxiety.  I was the exact same way before I was ready to have kids.  

    Post # 87
    Member
    1353 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2017 - The Lodge at Little Seneca Creek

    I was on the fence when I was dating my ex in my late-teens – early-20s. After we broke up, I really took some time to think about what I want for my future, and I realized that I definitely do not want kids. My parents had the same reaction as your mom, especially since I’m a teacher; I LOVE being a teacher and working with a certain age group for 7 hours a day, but I think that’s VERY different from being a mom.

    Anyway, when I started dating again in my mid-20s, I looked for people who had compatible values. My husband also doesn’t want kids, but my parents still don’t entirely believe us even though I’m now 30 and he’s 31. I feel like if we were going to want kids, that deisre would have happened by now. I think there are a few issues; my dad was on the fence until he was 28 or 29 (and he had to convince my mom), and society says we’re supposed to have kids. I think they’ll finally realize we’re serious when we get into our late-30s or early-40s…I hope.

    For your situation, I think that if neither of you are currently on the fence, and you both definitely don’t want kids, you won’t change your mind. However, it sounds like you might be on the fence, so if you decide you want kids, you might convince your husband to have kids.

    Post # 88
    Member
    4269 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    For me I’m pretty firm about not wanting to get pregnant, however I’m feeling a pretty strong draw toward adoption.  My husband is fine either way, since he understands my concern about getting pregnant.  I’m a teacher and I also have a chronic health issue that would make pregnancy extra difficult.  Plus I’m not a super big fan of babies…but I really do enjoy older kids.  I teach pre k – 8th grade and I enjoy the independence of older kids.  I could see us fostering and eventually adopting in time.  The timing isn’t right at this point.  Like I said though, I’m decently sure I will never give birth to my own child.

    Post # 89
    Member
    1344 posts
    Bumble bee

    Growing up and all throughout my 20’s, I was sure I never wanted kids.  I really liked kids, but just couldn’t see myself being a mom.  I wanted to live my own life, I wanted to be able to sleep in every weekend, I wanted to be able to pick up and go on trips anytime I wanted, I wanted to spend money on myself and do whatever I wanted…basically, I wanted to be selfish if I wanted to be.  And then I met my husband…I think my thoughts started to change once I saw how happy I was with this person and after we were married, I started to wonder why wouldn’t I ever want to have a baby with the love of my life? I think the only person who will truly know if you will or will never have kids is you…it really depends on what is happening in your life and how you feel and what’s right for you.  Whatever happens, be true to yourself.  I still support my friends who don’t want to have kids, even though I have kids now.  But I cannot imagine my life without my kids now – they are my world.

    Post # 90
    Member
    128 posts
    Blushing bee

    Could your mum have acted like that because she too thought she didn’t want children then changed her mind? Or knew someone or some people who did? 

    I think it’s completely possible to change your mind. 

    You can wake up one day and just have this overwhelming need to have a child. 

    You could (as someone on here I think mentioned) become pregnant unintentionally and go through a loss and realise you do want something you never thought you did.

    You could become pregnant unintentionally, not suffer a loss and still realise it is exactly what you want even though you didn’t think it was. 

    You could watch something one day with a child in it and suddenly become broody. 

    Someone close to you could have a baby, you hold them and your uterus just start ‘glowing’

    Equally you could wake up day after day and not realise any of this and go your whole life never wanting kids and never regretting it for a second.

    All outcomes are possible and all are acceptable. It must be frustrating to think that your mum has dismissed your feelings, but at least she isn’t begging you into having a child.

    You are young and feelings can change. They can also stay the same. Anything is possible. 

    If you do one day feel you want to have a child then try not to focus on the bad things about bringing a child up in this age. Think of it as a way of making a better future by bringing up a well rounded person.

    If you don’t, I’m sure you can find your own way of ensuring a better future

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