Did you change your mind about no kids

posted 2 years ago in No Kids
  • poll: Did you not want kids and change your mind later?
    Never wanted kids, never had kids : (42 votes)
    42 %
    Never wanted kids, decided to have kids : (19 votes)
    19 %
    Was on the fence about kids, didn’t have kids : (14 votes)
    14 %
    Was on the fence about kids, had kids : (24 votes)
    24 %
  • Post # 91
    Member
    2132 posts
    Buzzing bee

    12_Elle :  WeddingBee didn’t always have a “no kids” section. There were several sections on TTC, pregnancy, babies, etc, but nothing for the women who were married and did not want to go on to have kids. When those women were vocal about wanting a child free board, WB added this stupid “no kids” section. It caused some offence initially, because it still wasn’t really a place for CFBC women to talk, and “no kids” sounds sad and pathetic. So there’s a wee bit of WB history to illustrate why this post is upsetting some people. The other reason is that this post is using the number one statement CFBC women hear to invalidate their feelings (“you’ll change your mind someday/when you’re older/when you meet someone/after you’re married”) to prove something. In your mind, you’re just trying to understand how you feel. For women who have been berated for years about this topic, it is SO unhelpful to have women trotting in saying “yes, everyone was right! I DID change my mind!”. I hope this makes sense, and helps you understand why this has caused offence. 

     

    That being said, I feel like I’m in “no man’s land”. I would have been happy never having children. Darling Husband and I spoke about the topic for years before we married. It became pretty clear that he wanted kids, and I didn’t. That meant one of us had to ‘switch sides’, or we break up. He was more set on wanting kids than I was on not wanting them, so we agreed to one. This is all very simplified, please keep in mind that these conversations were over several years. They were HARD conversations. In the end, I would rather give up my child free life than lose him. I am now pregnant and I want this baby, I’m somewhat excited, but had Darling Husband been anti babies I would have been happy without ever having them. 

     

    It is okay to not want kids. It’s not strange, and you’re not missing out. People will tell you that your life will be unfulfilled if you don’t have babies, but that’s nonsense. There are so many ladies without babies who have rich lives. They have done so much good in the world, they have seen new places, and developed their own personality. One of the women I admire most has no husband and no children, and she has done amazing things. But here’s the catch – asking for advice is basically useless. You don’t know how life will turn out, and what decisions you will face. Two women can feel the same way at 19, and be living completely different lives by 25. The best thing you can do is hold true to your values, and don’t let anyone else’s judgements influence such a huge decision. 

    Post # 92
    Member
    10456 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    garnobella :  

    How is the No Kids section ‘stupid’?

    I was one of the Bees on board from the beginning. CFBC is a valid lifestyle choice, yet we had no forum free from the endless yammering about babies and pregnancy.  There is a plethora of forums for the mommies, the expectant mommies, the hope-to-be-expecting soon mommies, and every permutation in between.

    Yet gawd forbid we should carve out a corner for ourselves, free of fence sitters, mind changers and proselytizers.

    There is nothing ‘sad’ about titling the forum ‘No Kids’.  There was quite a lot of discussion around what to call the section so other Bees would understand what it was about.  ‘No Kids’ was supposed to be self explanatory.

    So, as in life, so it is on the Bee, the true CFBCs cannot get respect for their choices.  I hope my fellow true CFBCs will join me in reclaiming our forum and steering it back to its intended purpose.

    Post # 93
    Member
    2132 posts
    Buzzing bee

    sassy411 :  Holy shit, settle down mate. 😂  The “no kids” is stupid because it never really, honestly catered to CFBC, as demonstrated by this post and all the others that STILL talk about babies. I DO think there should be a childfree section, but I feel like WB was lazy with this one. I was also one of the bees pushing for a childfree board, and I very much remember that when this section was made there were a lot of bees who were upset at the title “no kids” rather than CFBC. ‘No kids’ just isn’t as empowering, and it invites all the “no kids YET” posts. 

    My reply was to give the OP a run down on why her post upset people. I was trying to keep it reasonably brief.

    I DO think CFBC bees should have a section, but I think WB could have done a better job when creating it. There are boards for TTC, pregnancy, babies, family life, etc etc etc. I don’t think being CFBC is pathetic or sad at all, and I’m not sure if you read my whole post but one of the women I admire most is CFBC. It’s not the choice or the lifestyle that I’m against, it was how WB handled the situation and still didn’t give CFBC bees the respect and consideration they deserve. 

    I hope that makes sense! 

    Post # 94
    Member
    10456 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    garnobella :  

    Ok, got it now.  Thank you for the clarification.

    Maybe we need to lobby WB for a name change to CFBC.  It does seem that “No Kids” is some kind of a dog whistle for the mandatory motherhood brigade.

    Why not just call it “CFBC”?  It seems to me that true CFBCs know exactly what it means and may welcome their own space.  I hate to see this forum die on the vine when there are so many CFBCs among us.  It would be a nice change after scrolling through post after post about pee sticks.

    Post # 95
    Member
    2357 posts
    Buzzing bee

    12_Elle :  I never wanted kids. At and 41 I still dont want them.

    Society tells us we should have kids, even in 2018, because that is what women are supposed to do: breed. 

    Its a crazy thought that a woman wouldn’t want a child of her own. Throw on top of those women who don’t like children. What? But you are hardwired for that, society, mom and everyone else tells you that kids are a must. 

    Yeah, F that. 

     

    For me there was never a question and at 12 I knew I didnt want them. People told me I would when I got older. I was like nope.  Guess who won? I did. My mother doesnt even try now. No one tries now actually except my friends at work who think it would be cute. I think its horrifying.

    Post # 96
    Member
    128 posts
    Blushing bee

    I think no kids is too much of a blanket term. I’m sure I’ve seen posts about weddings without kids on it. Which can be directed at anyone. 

    Post # 97
    Member
    10456 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    VictorianChick :  

    I knew with absolute certainty that I didn’t want kids when I was nine.  My parents told me that even when I was little, I pushed other kids away and gravitated to the adults.

    Post # 98
    Member
    10456 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: City, State

    fallingrosepetals :  

    We did a “no kids” wedding.  It was glorious.

    Dh had relatives with young kids, no worries on my side.  We put “Adult reception to follow” on our invitations and Dh talked to his family members.  Everyone was fine with it.  The mommies enjoyed a nice evening out with indescribably good food.

     

     

     

    Post # 99
    Member
    6303 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2014

    sassy411 :  childfree weddings are awesome! Ours was completely different from those I’ve been to with kids, which honestly ended up with a kids-birthday-party vibe. Guess whose wedding people still rave about 3.5 years on? Lol

    Post # 100
    Member
    128 posts
    Blushing bee

    sassy411 :  I’ve been both types of wedding, I’ve been to one where they were child free because there were just no young children in the families at the time. All weddings were great, there was only one problem with one of the weddings with children and it was because two parents were acting like children. They had split in unfriendly terms, it was decided that the mother would have the children go home with her for the night. The dad got a bit merry knowing that he wouldn’t be in charge of the children at his house as he was supposed to stay at a friend’s.  The mother then proceeded to get blind drunk and couldn’t take them home, someone else had to take responsibility for the children. This same mother decided to go out one night as her child lay in hospital after a head injury. Sometimes it isn’t the children that ruin a child friendly wedding! The mother was a bridesmaid and hasn’t spoken to the bride since that night. 

    Post # 101
    Member
    2501 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I never wanted kids, don’t have kids, don’t plan to have them. So, yes, I’m CFBC. 

    I’m child-free by CHOICE (not by circumstance). I knew when I was 12 that I didn’t want kids. I simply DID NOT want them and couldn’t see my future self as a mom. I still don’t want children. However, I’ve always loved children; holding babies, chasing toddlers around, spending time with pre-teens/tweens, and mentoring teens and adolescents. My parents and siblings were/are supportive of my decision and have defended my choice when other family members have made insensitive, unnecessary comments.  Before I met my spouse, I dated and dumped partners who flat-out told me “you’ll change your mind” or “we’re not done till I have a son”. I told my huband 2 weeks into our relationship that if he wanted more kids*, he was dating the wrong lady. 

    *Disclaimer: My husband has 2 adult daughters from a previous marriage; both still live with us and we support them financially. Being a step-mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and continue to do. But it also reinforces my decision to not have a child of my own. 

    Calling this board “No Kids” is a bit general and invites non-CFBC topics, some of which devolve into insensitive tangents and judgements.  I’d prefer something more direct like “Child-Free Lifestyle” but that’s neither here nor there. 

    Post # 102
    Member
    1911 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

     TheGridMonster :  😮 Congrats! I guess I’ve been gone too long lol!

    Post # 103
    Member
    1911 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: February 2015

    Honestly, I feel that if a person is truly CFBC, he or she won’t change their mind. CFBC isn’t child free for now, it’s child free period, it’s a lifestyle choice.

    Leave a comment


    Find Amazing Vendors