I am a regular poster here, but decided to go anonymous as well.
@Miss Kimmy, I am not an encore bride, but am planning a wedding with a fiance who sometimes exhibits the same type of behavior you’re discribing. I too love my fiance, and can imagine a very happy, fulfilling life with him. He has one major flaw in my eyes: he’s a “dirty fighter” and I am a very sensitive person. The two don’t mix very well, needless to say! I could say any hurtful word, or call him any hurtful, horrible name and it literally rolls off his back. Someone looks at me weird, and I burst in to tears. He too, acknowledges that the way he acts when he gets “fired up” is wrong and very inappropriate. He is not the only bad guy though. I know what pushes his buttons and I’m not one to keep my mouth shut when I feel like I’m being mistreated. Instead of waiting for him to calm down to discuss things, sometimes I make it worse but instigating and prodding at the issue. We’re often both at fault.
For me, this is not a deal breaker, rather a work in progress. I also honestly feel like we deal with conflict and flights differently because we have different childhood experiences. He’s a child of a very, very nasty divorce. Can I blame him for arguing in the only fashion he knows? BUT, it’s not a deal breaker for me, because he acknowledges that it’s not right and he wants to work on it. If he didn’t care that it wasn’t right, I’d be out the door. Or, if I didn’t see significant changes (which I have…we’ve come a long way) than I’d have some serious thinking to do.
No offense to anyone out there who immediately says to leave him and who haven’t been in the same situation, but if you don’t understand the sitauation, it’s easy for you to say, “Leave.” We each have our own “deal breakers.” You might think yours is a “dirty fighter,” but your Fiance might be emotionally closed off, and to me that’s a deal breaker. Etc etc. (I’m not speaking to anyone in particiular, just trying to clarify).
My other issue with this topic is, I’ve often noticed on these boards (and don’t get me wrong, I love weddingbee!) but often when a poster talks about potential problems or issues, other posters are quick to say, “LEAVE!!” No one is perfect. Are all “dirty fighers” beasts who should have no chance at love ever? I don’t think so. I think some “dirty fighters” sometimes don’t know any better, and resort back to how they are used to fighting or getting their way. Just like any problem in a relationship, it takes work to fix.
Whatever you choose to do, however, good luck!
(Sorry for the long post. I could go on and on, obviously I’m very passionate about the subject)