(Closed) Did you have "the baby talk" b4 marriage?

posted 6 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 32
Member
1234 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

We discussed it before we were even engaged. We are both certain we don’t want them for at least another seven to eight years…and when we hit that point we’ll make a decision. Neither of us are patient enough for children. We both have demanding careers and require a lot of travel so at this point I would be very happy not having children ever.

Post # 33
Member
3823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@memmielee:  We did have the talk very early in our dating months. It’s important to be on the same page. If you aren’t, then you may end up in a situation where one partner wants kids and the other one doesn’t and that could lead to a nasty divide in your marriage. But if both people are on the fence, I’ve seen that work out too. I actually know a couple who were anti-kids when they got married and changed their mind as a couple and had a baby. So it’s a matter of being in the same place mentally.

Post # 34
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

We established that we both wanted marriage and 1-2 kids very early on, probably within the first 3 dates.

Post # 35
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

We absolutely talked about kids. He knew he wanted at least 1 but I was unsure. In fact I asked him to hold off on proposing until I could figure out if we were on the same page or not. Because I couldn’t have married him, knowing he wants a child, if I wasn’t on board. I think that if you don’t want kids or do want kids – you have to be clear with your partner before entering into marriage. I guess it’s different if you are on the fence. I know people who were on the fence when they got married and got lucky and ended on the same side of the fence. But I always worry – what if they ended up wanting different things. I think that for many people it’s a deal breaker. So I couldn’t do the on”on the fence” thing. I had to figure it out before we got married. I would just be open and honest with your guy. Make sure he knows where you are now and your concerns about the future.

Post # 36
Member
2554 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@memmielee:  Fiance and I had a ridiculous quantity of “what if” conversations.  What if we found our the child I’m carrying has down syndrome.  What if one of us cheated on the other.  What if our parents needed to move in with us.  What if my brother needed money.  I am a huge fan of talking these things out, because if you decide you’re not together on a major decision it can be really hard to work though it.

But I think the point of those conversations isn’t to agree 100% with each other, we’re never going to find a guy who feels exactly the same way we do about everything.  I think you talk about these things before you get married so you know you can talk about them, and do it well.  Not yelling, not resistant to compromise, but respectful of each other’s opinions and willing to come to a mutual place even if it means not getting exactly what you want.  Kids are a different story though, and I hear it so often that one party (during the divorce process) will say “I said I never wanted kids!” and the other party says “I assumed s/he’d change her mind.”  If you don’t want kids, it’s only fair to you both to make it clear to him that that is a non-negotiable factor in your relationship.  Better now than 5 years down the line.  Best of luck hon!!

Post # 37
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012 - W Hotel Silicon Valley

We did have conversations about this several times while we were still dating. I don’t think I would have pursued a relationship with someone who didn’t want to ever have kids. 

Post # 38
Member
2269 posts
Buzzing bee

@memmielee:  We got together when we were 16, and didn’t have the baby talk for years. When I was 16, I of course assumed I would have kids because everyone does; it didn’t even occur to me that there was a choice involved. 

Then, I realized I didn’t want kids. We had “the talk” when we were both 22 or so. I said I definitely don’t want any; he said he wants “at least one”. I asked him, “Do you really want one, or have you always just assumed you’ll be a dad someday because that’s what everyone does? Do you really want the lifestyle having a child results in? You love coming home from work, curling up with me and watching tv. Do you instead want to raise a child when you get home, and run him here and there? Just think about what being a parent actually means.”

There was a sticky period of a couple weeks while he though about it. We carried on as usual, but it was a scary and sad time because I knew there is no way I would have a baby just to keep a man. Eventually he agreed that he doesn’t want a child (and didn’t want to lose me just to have a child).

That was several years ago and we’re both agreed; having babies is not for us. We love our life sans baby. 

Post # 39
Member
1966 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Of course we had that talk before we got too serious.  Why move in with someone & plan a life with someone only to find out you want different things. 

Post # 40
Member
64 posts
Worker bee

We are not married yet, soon to be engaged, but this topic is one that we seriously sat down and talked about once we realized ‘hey, I want to spend my life with you’. We discussed whether we wanted children, how many, around when etc…

 

That talk illuminated my understanding to things I didn’t even know we would differ on. For example, I was surprised to find out that my boyfriend expected me to give birth to our first child, then almost immediately start working on the second one. I, however, want at least two years between them.

 

He also felt uncomfortable with the thought of breast feeding, which is a must for me unless I find out that I can’t (I have nipple piercings, and I have no clue how that would affect my milk supply to future children).

 

But since we know where we stand with potential children, we also discussed the possibility that we may not be able to produce them, and would we be okay with medical assistance, adoption or just sharing the rest of our days together?

 

This here is a serious talk, one that should definitely be discussed before marriage because it can definitely break a union apart.

 

Post # 41
Member
64 posts
Worker bee

@chouette:  I actually personally know of an instance like this, and sadly the mother spends as much time away from her child as possible. She wants absolutely nothing to do with her daughter and sees her as her father’s responsibility. That’s all fine and dandy now, but I feel for that little girl who is going to grow up and wonder why her mother treats her the way she does 🙁

Her husband and her got into an arguement where he confronted her about not spending time with her daughter and she told him straight up “I told you I didn’t want children, but you kept begging me, so here’s your child. Raise her.”

It’s a sad sad situation 🙁

Post # 42
Member
1675 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

 My Darling Husband said the other day that he wouldn’t have married me if I didnt want kids. I’ve just always wanted kids, so I guess he picked that up. 

Post # 43
Member
1671 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@memmielee:  We didn’t really have a formal one. He said he could go either way but didn’t want a large family and probably only one, MAYBE two, and would absolutely not consider it until after we turn 30. (3 years after wedding)

I REALLY hate the idea of a large family, so I thought his answer was bang on. I always add on “or two” when we talk about it in case I change my mind after the first little one, but I think only one sounds perfect. 

So, eh, we have a loose plan. It sounds like you’re on the same page too. If you had opposite views and were avoiding the subject I might be worried, but sounds like you’re fine. Sometimes things are just easier than you expect. So, awesome!

Post # 44
Member
919 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

We have definitely talked about it. He knows that having kids is non-negotiable for me. He isn’t as gung-ho about it as I am, but he does want at least one. We’ve agreed to evaluate how we feel after the first one comes along to see if we’ll have a second, but we also agree that 2 is the limit. We also agreed to be married for a year before trying. (And he knows that the very next day he is on the hook.)

Post # 45
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

We have definitely talked about it, seriously and many times, but we actually didn’t come to a conclusion cause neither of us feels really strongly either way. We were married at 21&22, and almost 3 years later we aren’t any closer to having a definite decision on kids. What we DO know is that whatever happens, we will both be happy either way and that having kids or not having them is not a dealbreaker. In our dreams – and we have a lot of them – kids just aren’t prominently featured, although I can add them in with little difficulty if I want to. But that is why it’s so important to talk about – if it WERE a dealbreaker, it would’ve forced me to think about it much earlier. I don’t think that it’s the biggest deal to come to a firm decision as much as it’s iimportant to keep that line of communication open and honest.

Post # 46
Member
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

@Lounging_in_Lilacs:  That is so horribly sad 🙁

Yes, I sure as hell had the conversation.  I have always wanted kids and told my then-boyfriend that under no circumstances would I not be having them and we should not continue the relationship if he was not on the same page.  He, on the other hand, was fine without them, but said he wanted to be with me more than that.

Fast forward to a few years after the marriage and I’m pregnant.  He’s apprehensive and happy at the same time.  Cue our son being born colicky.  We went through the very rockiest time in our marriage then. A lot of reminders of that conversation.  In the end we are stronger now for surviving that period and we worked through some other issues we didn’t even realize we had, but based on my experience, I absolutely believe that conversation was essential.

Of course, I also wouldn’t date outside of my political beliefs.  But then, I’m too outspoken to have anything approaching a respectful relationship if we differed on that.  That’s just me though.

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