Post # 47
@MrsPanda99: “I did, because children are one issue you can’t compromise on. If one person wants kids and the other doesn’t, you can’t have a half a kid. When you are at opposite ends of the spectrum, one person will be left feeling resentful about the decision.“
Being a Mother is very important to me. I wouldn’t be okay dating, becoming engaged to or marrying a man who never wanted children – or even one who was unsure.
Post # 48
i think it can be problematic having the conversation very early on. at 20, 22, 24,even 26…i really didnt want kids at all. i was adamant. then 26-29 i came around to the idea and now im pregnant and excited. its people like me who make all the patronising people talk to CBC couples and say “maybe youll change your mind” hahaha
i knew kids were important to DH though (we were dating from around 25, didnt get engaged ill i was 27), i doubt he would have married me if i refused to have them. we have agreed on one, or possibly 2 depending on hwo this birth goes.
Post # 49
We had the talk because having children is very important to me. I believe we had it on our 2nd date- lol! But since you’re both unsure about the children thing it’s no wonder and not a problem to have an informal talk about it. It just doesn’t seem high on your two’s priority list and naturally you talk about things that are important to you!
So yes, I had the talk but don’t think you’re wrong in not having it 🙂
Post # 50
We’ve had “the baby” talk about 1x a week for many years haha. One week we think it could be a good idea, the next we don’t. The one thing we know is that we’re open to the idea of it but we know we’re not ready now. Not sure if that qualifies for the “talk” since we didn’t reach a decision 🙂 But at least we’re on the same page this week :):)
Post # 51
@Mischka: I guess the only problem with our logic is that the only constant in life is change. Just because someone says they want children today doesn’t mean it will stay that way. It would be a very situation if my husband suddenly decided that he didn’t want children anymore – what would i do, divorce my life partner over it? People change their minds all the time and it drives me bonkers 😛 My Fiance wants children more than I do though, so I don’t think it will happen in our case.
Post # 52
We did because it was something that was really important to me, and I wanted to make sure he knew that. He obviously knew about my stance before proposing, but I wanted to have “the talk” one more time before we jumped into marriage. The talk before marriage was really just about wanting kids in the future. After we got married we got into details like when we would want to start trying and how to raise them. It just made me feel a lot better that we were on the same page with everything.
Post # 53
I think that not discussing your stance on children pre-marriage is a disaster waiting to happen. You’re not compatible if you have different stances on children. As well, how you plan on raising said children also needs to be discussed pre-marriage..if you ask me.
About 4 years into our relationship, DH(then boyfriend) and I had a discussion about kids. I NEVER wanted kids. Ever. I didn’t like babies, didn’t find them cute. Thought I would be 100% happy with me, Dh and my dog.
Then we had the talk. DH admitted that he was pretty sure he would want a child someday, and if that wasn’t something I really wanted, we needed to part ways now.
I thought about it long and hard. I never wanted to admit it, but the year before that discussion, my biological clock had started to “go off” and I found myself reconsidering children.
To make a long story short, I decided that children were something I was warming up to…and thenbaby fever hit, I had my DD and I seriously couldn’t be happier. The one thing I never wanted at all, for such a long time, turned out to be the one thing I am better at than anything else. I love being a Mom and feel sad to think that I once upon a time, did not want kids at all.
So yes, discussing children BEFORE marriage/engagment is incredibly important!
Post # 54
Wow, anyone who didn’t have this conversation is RUSHING into marriage. (Flame away on that).
Fine, you have a whirlwind 2 month relationship and then get married immediately. You’re meant for each other. Do you know who the hell the other person is? Maybe. If you spent every second of those 2 months talking about your entire future, maybe you’ll be fine. But I just can’t imagine a relationship leading to a fulfilling future where I don’t know everything about my partner. Where he wants to be in 5 years, deep dark secrets, favorite color, everything, from mundane to important. This is your ENTIRE future. How could you possibly jump into something so big without knowing what it is you see ahead of you?
Post # 55
I think you NEED to have a formal talk about it. Your fiance could just be brushing off his real feelings because you say you don’t want kids. What if he is just hoping you change your mind someday?
Post # 56
Yes, talking about it before marriage is very important. We talked about it before we got engaged. If my Fiance did not want to have kids, it would have been a deal breaker. I can’t imagine not having kids of my own in the future.
Post # 57
- Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017
Timeline, number of kids, preferred sex, names, private vs public school, what clubs we’d encourage them to join (Scouts etc), what if birth defect, what if infertile all came up before we even got engaged. Luckily we were super compatible and easily agreed on everything (except on thing: Fiance would not want to adopt in the case of infertility and failed IVF, wheras I would).
You’d be a fool if you married someone not knowing their stance. As a pp said, it’s the one thing you can’t compromise on.
Post # 58
If you haven’t talked about it you probably shouldn’t be getting married yet. That’s the kind of thing that leads a couple down the road to divorce.
YOU may be sure that you don’t want kids, but by saying, “eh, maybe” or by talking to him about “what if we can’t get pregnant”, which you have, you’re implying that you’re open to the idea. So he probably thinks it’s an option, which will either lead to you having kids in the future and carrying resentment, or you not having kids in the future and him resenting it.
Talk to him!
Post # 59
I think you’d be crazy not to have this talk before getting married. Most people are pretty decided on it and its a big thing to ask someone to compromise on either way. If my Fiance didn’t ever want kids I don’t know if I could go through with marrying him :-/
Post # 60
@memmielee: I think it’s important to have that conversation before marriage, I did. Children are a non-negotiable for many people. I wouldn’t want to marry someone and then find out that they dont want kids.