(Closed) Did you have "the baby talk" b4 marriage?

posted 8 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 62
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@adoc86:  The thing that worries me is that people change their minds and you have no control over it. A life altering event, financial circumstances, or even your personal mentality can change and cause you to not want kids anymore. One of my friends got married and the guy changed his mind about kids. She isn’t going to divorce him. I wouldn’t either, even though I’d be devestated :-

Post # 63
Member
3372 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@MrsPanda99:  Yeah, thats understandable and I can totally see how that would happen in extreme circumstances. I just don’t think that it actually happens very often, at least not if both people were at some point 100% for or against having kids. I can definitely see it happening if it was kind of a wishy-washy feeling to begin with, like a “you could take ’em or leave ’em” kind of thing. Or if the person just said “yeah I want kids” because it seems like the natural progression in a relationship, but in reality maybe they don’t realize that its really not what they want.

For me personally, I have always wanted a baby so I know that I wouldn’t compromise on that. Even if I didn’t have it myself and we just fostered/adopted, then that would be fine with me. But its something that I want and know that I wouldn’t bend on. My Fiance knows how important it is to me so I think if he ever just changed his mind I would have a lot of questions regarding the value of my wants/opinions/needs in the relationship. I think anyone who randomly flips on that issue, whether they never wanted kids and then they do or vice versa, is making a really selfish decision unless they thoroughly discuss that with their spouse and take into account their feelings as well.

I would really resent my Fiance if he changed his mind on something like that.

Post # 64
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: November 2013

It is absolutely imperative to have that discussion before you’re even engaged.  That is a big issue, and not one that can be compromised on.

 

My Fiance and I had the discussion shortly after we began dating.  It was a very quick talk as we are both Catholic and firmly believe that openness to children is one of the cornerstones of marriage, but I’m glad we had it nonetheless.  We both want multiple children- anywhere from 3-10- and I could never have dated anyone that didn’t want children.  

Post # 65
Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

memmielee

I personally want kids and we have talked about it but I dont want them now!!

im 26 and DH will be 31 this year so i kinda know how you feel. i def. want to wait until im 30. a least. but everyone acts like thats too old. or what if you cant have any then?? or what if you have to have one now!? im ilke those are weird questions but if god made it so that i couldnt have them i wouldnt be too crazy upset. it is what is it. but i do feel like all of a sudden people people are rubbing my aging eggs (that i feel are super young) in my face.

DH’s view on kids (this is over 7 years so he was 23? when we met) his view seems to change depending on what naughty or nice kid we are around that the moment lol. some times i feel like way too. like oh i could have three of you…..but none of you over there. haha.

Post # 66
Member
1769 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

We definitely talked about it. My Fiance could go either way, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want kids. I’m hoping to go on a birth control method soon which is good for a few years.

Post # 67
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MrsPanda99:  I agree with MrsPanda, children is a big issue! As she said, if you are not on the same page, one of you may suffer.

Post # 68
Member
866 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

This is definitely a conversation you want to have before getting married, as you can’t exactly compromise on kids, like others have said.

I had this conversation with FH maybe a year or so before we got engaged and he is the one who actually started it. Both of us definitely want kids, and our conversation went even further to topics like: What kind of names will they have (to go with his super ethnic last name, lol), How many do we want (not sure yet but both of us want at least one), what languages will they learn at home (he’s Serbian and they will definitely learn that)… questions like that.

Though now I am afraid that I will be burdened with my parents fertility problems. Ten years of TTC and then another 8 after I was born? And she was 20 when they got married. Yikes Frown

Post # 69
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@memmielee:  I’m like your Fiance in that I could go either way with having kids. I could be happy without them. I’ve always had the mindset though that if I have children it will have to be with a man who I know will make a great father. Because a man can be a great husband, but have no paternal instinct and not be such a great dad. Fiance wants kids though and fits the bill of being a great dad I think. He’s really good with children and makes me want to be a mom one day.

Post # 70
Member
466 posts
Helper bee

CHildren are a very serious topic which should not be  glossed over. Having chindren can certainly make or break a relationship. 

I belive that any decision that is life altering should be discussed before such a permanent decision is made tsuch as getting married.

 

My Fiance and I have had the talk. We agree that we both want kids. The only disagreement we have is aregarding how many. He was a large family. I personally don’t want more than two. 

Post # 71
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Yeah, we’ve had the discussion. He didn’t want to but said that changed when he met me. We’ve agreed we’d try for kids within the next year or two, but the only thing we disagree on is the amount of kids we want. I want two kids (preferably one of each, but I know it doesn’t work that way), and he wants four. He comes from a family of four and loves it, but I’m thinking of how much it’ll hurt lol.

Post # 72
Member
34 posts
Newbee

My SO and I have discussed having children since we’ve decided to get married.  We’re both on the same page concerning procreating – we want children, no more than two, but no time soon.  We’ve agreed to enjoy our lives now and rediscuss when we turn thirty.  

Post # 73
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Yes, we’ve discussed it at length. Not only how many kids we want (call us crazy but that number is four), but also what we want to do for childcare (I want to be a Stay-At-Home Mom and Fiance wants the same), how long we want to wait after getting married (two years, I will be 25 and he will be 26) and even possible names, though that was mostly just for fun. It was very, very important to me to discuss children. I very strongly want children, and although I love Fiance very much, and can’t imagine my life without him, if he didn’t want children I think that I would not marry him. We first discussed the general idea of having children about two months into our relationship, and if he’d been total anti-kid I would have broken up with him then. Fortunatley for me he wants kids as badly as I do!

Post # 74
Member
42 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2015

All my life I said I didn’t want kids. Everyone told me that when you meet the right guy, you’ll change your mind. I didn’t believe them, but they were right. When we started dating I told him that I didn’t want kids but within a month, I had changed my mind. We started talking about how many we wanted, baby names, where and how we wanted to raise them. I just don’t think that it would have been fair to string someone along who wanted kids if you know that you don’t want them. I definitely think the conversation needs to be had prior to getting married.

Post # 75
Member
654 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - Backyard Forest

We’re not engaged and we both want kids as soon as possible. I had to put down a rule early into our relationship that I would not be having babies until we were married. 

We both want kids so badly!! I will be 26 in November and he’s 27 (28 in May). The plan seems to be that we’ll be married next September and I’ll be a Maid/Matron of Honor in July 2015, so probably will wait to TTC until about January 2015 I’d say. Life has it’s own plans sometimes though, so anything could happen!

Post # 76
Member
2039 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

SO and I have had this talk and again every now and then to make sure that we are still on the same page. I think you should talk about it before you get married.

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