Post # 77
@victorianghost: My SO always teases me about the 7 sons I’m supposedly going to bear him. 😛 I think most guys who like/love kids want many, but they know they have to be realistic for financial reasons, so they agree on the 1-3 limit that their wives/girlfriends put down. 😛
I think we asked each other very early on how many kids we want, and not whether or not we wanted any – good thing we both knew we wanted them! 😛
Post # 78
We definitely talked about it because it would have been a dealbreaker for me if he didn’t want kids or if we had wildly different timelines. Luckily, we had slightly different timelines and managed to reach a compromise about when to start trying. We both agree that we’ll try for the first and then decide whether to try for a second after the first is born, so we’re not 100% settled on the number… could be one, could be two… but we’re on the same page there. I think it’s so important to be open and clear with each other re: future plans for children.
Post # 79
@memmielee: A few years ago Fiance (then just my BF) and I talked about our general views on kids to see how compatible they were. Like if I’d said “I want to be the next 19 kids and counting” and he was like “no kids ever” we might’ve had an issue. But we were on the same general page (I only want to adopt, he’d prefer biological kids but understands my reasoning and since I’d be the one to do it he supports it). Then a few months ago I’d been feeling less and less like I wanted kids at all and ID asked him what he thought about that. And he said he still really wanted kids. So I suggested what if our path just didn’t bring us there, and he said if it doesn’t it doesn’t. So we never had a super formal conversation about it, but we got the important stuff out there.
Post # 80
I don’t know if Fiance and I had what you would call a formal talk, but we met on okcupid, and there’s a question “do you want kids one day?” And we both answered yes. A few months ago, exactly one year before our wedding date, we had a nice dinner at home and a really great conversation about our thoughts on the future. There was a lot of stuff that had been mentioned casually, but at that time we went a lot more in depth, and I would qualify it as a formal discussion. I made it clear that I’d like to have 2, maybe 3 kids biologically, and it’s really important to me to adopt a child as well. He made it clear that he would not be comfortable fostering a child as a way to adopt, because it’d be too hard on him if it didn’t work out. It was really nice 🙂
Post # 81
@memmielee: We had the talk a couple of times. No kids for us.
Post # 82
We’ve had multiple “talks” about kids but have not reached any resolution yet. He definitely wants kids. I could go either way. We figure that’s close enough.
Post # 83
We talk about it, to me it’s a non-negotiabe. I want kids, so if my SO didn’t want kids then we might not be a good match. Someone would end up being resentful in the end.
Post # 84
While I do agree that people and circumstances can change, I think it is imperative to have a discussion about children before marriage. A friend of mine did not, and she ended up divorcing because she wanted a family so much and he refused to even consider having children. Even at that time (before I was married), I thought it was absolutely insane that they didn’t discuss that before marriage.
DH and I discussed having children, how many, plans for their education, religion and kids, etc. We were on ths same page before making that lifetime committment.
As for leaving a marriage if people disagree about children, I don’t think that is unreasonable. Indeed, in my mind it would be better for one partner to leave than to try to build a marriage on a foundation of resentment or hoping to change the other person. Having children or not is a pretty fundamental decision, and no one should be pressured to have children they do not want, and no one should be forced to forego the experience if they truly want a child.
Post # 85
Yup, we’ve talked about it.
Post # 86
For me, I would NOT marry someone until we were both clear about our stances on having children. It wasn’t so much about how many or when at the time (though we discussed that), but we both needed to be open and honest about our willingness to have/raise children. For us, we are both open to having children.
Post # 87
@memmielee: We didn’t actually sit down and have a planned “talk”, but as our relationship deepened, we just began to have lots of little conversations that would start with “When we have kids…” or “Our kids are/aren’t…” or “If our kids did this…”. A lot of them started out funny as well, like “if our kid doesn’t like chocolate we are disowning them!” Just silly stuff at first, but it just turned out we were on the same page as well regarding the “serious” stuff.
Neither of us were shocked at the other when we had the first “when we have kids” talk – it’s like we both already knew that we wanted a family together. I think it’s important to be on the same page about things like this, whether you choose to have kids or not. As long as you agree. Saves further grief and resentment down the track.
But yeah, for us, I guess I would feel weird if we started actually sat and had a talk, starting with “Ok honey, can we sit down for a minute? I need to ask you how you feel about having kids one day”. This conversation just happened naturally for us, if that makes sense/was what you were asking.
Post # 88
@Woodstock: Agreed! I believe people need to talk about this stuff before they even start seriously dating. Uncomfortable but important conversations are a HUGE part of a healthy relationship and being an adult in general. If someone cannot articulate to their partner what they want/need, they shouldn’t be getting married in my opinion.
Post # 89
We did have the baby talk.. It is something important for both of us.. Especially that he is already a doctor while i’m still in medical school.. So we had to figure out when it would be best to have our kids (a time when we could both give them the time they need)
It felt better after we put a plan together.. And knew we were on the same page, eventhough at the beginning eavh of us wanted something different..
Post # 90
we have “sort” of had the talk. SO is always joking around, I know he will be an amazing Dad but he keeos saying he wants 6 kids every time I bring it up (he says this with a mischevious grin) so I always tell him when we are ready they would have probably figured out how to let the guys carry and deliver the child :p
He also says the breast-feeding is a must, and I agree. Except we disagree on the length of time. He was apprently breast fed until like 3 and he thinks that is OK. uhhhh nope. Nope. That is weird.
Post # 91
we had the baby talk before we moved together(no marriage yet), i think are a deal breaker for me. we both aggreed on having more children