(Closed) Did you have "the baby talk" b4 marriage?

posted 6 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 92
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

We aren’t engaged yet, but that’s coming within the next 6-8 months and we’ve already had the baby talk. It started a few months ago when he would say things like, “I’m going to get all the seasons of Dexter and Breaking Bad on blu ray so that when our kids say they don’t have anything to watch I’ll force them to start at episode 1.” Lol. I was like, awww he said OUR kids. Yay babies! But obviously this told me nothing about how many, when, etc.

Recently, we had a ‘real’ baby talk: we want 1-2 kiddos, not anytime soon (married at least 4-5 years first–this will put us early 30s when we TTC), and not back to back. Although, we had to have a talk about what “not back to back,” meant after we spent the day at the kid-filled zoo and Mr. H informs me that “we should have one kid, then wait 18 years for the next one so the first kid can watch the second kid.” Now, I’m 99% sure he was joking, however I did let him know that while I don’t have an expiration date on my ring finger I DO have one on my uterus. So our tiny humans will both be born within 7 years of each other (and honestly, they’ll probably be more like 2-3 years apart).

Our families have baby fever though…they want grandbabies NOW and they don’t care if we’re married or not. Too bad for them, they’re going to have to calm their tits because they’re looking at at least another 5.5 years minumum. I need a wedding first!

Post # 93
Member
841 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@memmielee:  You really need to have that conversation because it could be a dealbreaker. What will happen if you don’t want kids and your Fiance does? It’s best to talk about it before you’re married.

Post # 95
Member
601 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@memmielee:  The moment we knew that this was something we wanted permanetly we had the talk. Both of us dont want kids for various reasons. I believe we both knew about our choice via passing conversations but we still sat down to make sure that the other was willing to commit fully on the no kids topics. 

Post # 96
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@memmielee:  Hmm we had our baby talk and we have decided mirena comes out about a month and 1 week before the wedding and we will be trying to get pregnant from the time we are married til the time it happens. 🙂 We both want another child.

Post # 97
Member
1924 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I really, really think you need to have a formal conversation about children before marriage.  My husband and I had (and continue to have) conversations about how many kids to have, when to start TTC, how we want to raise the kids, what we want to accomplish before we have kids, where we want to live when we have kids, what pets we want to have when we have kids… We’ve talk about breastfeeding, cloth vs. disposable diapers… 

Having kids/not having kids is NOT something to compromise on.  If you and your partner don’t see eye-to-eye on this issue, that’ll only bring up problems later… when breaking up means divorce.

Post # 98
Member
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014 - Rebar

@memmielee:  We have known each other since we were in our early teens. So the answer to that question has changed so many lol. But recently at 25 and 27…we both have had the talk…and both really want kids. One thing we have not agreed yet is how many kids we will have. I would like only one at most two. But he would like to have 3. So we will c! 

Post # 99
Member
227 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@memmielee:  HA, we took it a step further and HAD a baby. He will be super cute in our bridal party 😛 FWIW we have been together for 8 and a half years.

Post # 100
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@memmielee:  We talked about it very openly, because, as a PP said, it’s something you can’t really compromise on. It is a very important conversation that might take some time to completely get through. Neither my fiance nor I want children, but since that isn’t the general consensus, we both were nervous about bringing it up to the other. I’m 30 now, but when we met I was 28 and it was a very necessary conversation to have, and pretty soon into dating, because we both knew how we felt about each other quickly, also. I think it is an important talk to have in a relationship you want for the long haul because if you don’t agree, there could be a lot of resentment later on.

Post # 101
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2020

Yes and I became pregnant. haha

Post # 102
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@memmielee:  We talk about it a lot. We say little things like “I wouldn’t let my kids do ____” or “I want my kids to go on ____ vacation” or “I want my kids to learn ___”. (Now its “our kids” because we are engaged). 

We are both very family oriented people. The ONLY thing we are a little differing on is how many. He wants 2 to have more money, I want 3. I don’t think this matters because we won’t even know until we have the first anyways lol

Post # 103
Member
3867 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

My SO and I have been in agreement since the jump about a future family. It was important to me to find someone who wanted a big family (four or five kids). I would have been devestated if my SO came to me three years into a relationship, engagement, marriage what have you and expressed that he did not want to have children. It is crucial for me to have a family. I think this needs to be a topic discussed before marriage, even before going into a serious relationship. I agree with a PP, you can’t have half a kid! 

My SO and I differ on the exact number we want (I want five, he wants four), but aside from that, everything else is in agreement: timeline, age differences, names, etc. 

Post # 104
Hostess
8575 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

We dicussed lots of things before getting engaged.. time frame for having children, what we would do if we couldn’t conceive, finances, what we were interested in getting out of life, if we’d ever allow our parents to move in.. renting a room in our home or room mates.. infidelity, retirement, and even divorce.

I think all of these should be talked out and worked out to know if you are on the same page. If one of you wants a child, and the other one doesn’t.. it WILL cause problems in your relationship at some point.

Post # 105
Member
434 posts
Helper bee

We had what I guess turned into a formal discussion of kids maybe about 9 months into our relationship. We found out that we were both on the exact same page about it, and since then we talk about it all the time 🙂 I think the only thing we may not be eye to eye about right now is if we would want to try for another or adopt if we have two kids of the same gender, because we both want a boy and a girl. But that’s years from now, so we have plenty of time and that’s not a super important thing at all.

 

Post # 106
Member
324 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I cannot imaging NOT having the kids conversation before marriage. We had that chat after dating for about 3 weeks.

My mum and her first ex-husband did NOT have the “children talk” and they ended up getting divorced because she wanted kids, and he absolutely did not.

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