(Closed) Did you have to bring it up before he proposed?

posted 5 years ago in Proposals
Post # 3
Member
5955 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

YES!  We talked about it a lot – especially in the 6 months before the proposal – and I nagged a little, which of course I’m not proud of and wouldn’t reocomend.  

Check out the “waiting” board to see others.  I think that most ladies bring it up.

Post # 4
Member
2178 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I think you should always talk about marriage before the proposal. It’s important to be on the same page. Has it ever been brought up, in relation to moving in and naming children? You don’t want to spin your wheels with someone who doesn’t want to be married if that’s what you want, or who has a different timeline, etc.

Also, you might want to check out the “waiting” boards here. There are lots of bees there waiting for a proposal to come, and maybe some in similar situations to yours. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
5885 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

From the beginning of our relationship, We talked a lot about the specifics of marriage, but in general terms. Meaning, When I get married, I’d like it to look like this… or If I were ever in a troubled marriage, I would do… But we never spoke about being married to each other.

After 10 months of dated (we were 39 and 40), I took it up a bit. My lease was ending in 8 months (by then we’d have been dating for 1.5 years and I’d be turning 40), so I basically told him “I figure by then we’d either be engaged and moving in together or broken up and I’m buying my own condo” That was a big shock for him, but I knew I wasnt going to wait forever and I wasnt going to tiptoe around such an important life altering decision. Also keep in mind, I wasnt 100% sure I wanted to get married to anyone. So I didnt say it like, “YOU MUST MARRY ME or ELSE!” I knew we still needed to have lots of conversations about whether either one of us wanted to get married. It was a decision we needed to make together. 

We sorta talked about it for a few weeks, then put it on the back burner for 2 months. We talked seriously about getting married for a month. And we decided that yes, we both wanted to get married to each other. Then I started planning (with his permission) and 2 months later he officially proposed. 2 months later, we moved in together. And 6 months from the official proposal we were married. 

Although it was a little more rushed that he would have liked, he admits that if I hadn’t brought up the marriage stuff, he would have let things stay exactly the same for who knows how long. I think at least another year or two. Why rock the boat when there isn’t anything wrong? 

There is such a huge fear that if you bring up marriage the guy is going to freak out and run away immediately. Guess what? If your guy does that, it means he didn’t want to marry you–good riddance! 

Dont nag or force him, but bring it up in the context of “Where do you see this going?” And get a timeline from him. It seems like guys dont have a clear understanding of how long it takes to plan a wedding or biological clock (and sometimes, even with normal couples, it can take up to a year to get pregnant. ANd if you have any infertility problems…) So maybe he isnt ready to tell you by June 2014 we will be engaged. But you guys can at least start the conversations and eventually come up with a timeline that you both comfortable with. 

Good Luck!

 

Post # 10
Member
4656 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m not sure I’d have said yes without having had many discussions first! By the time he proposed it was mostly a formality, just one we both wanted and looked forward to. 

Post # 11
Member
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

It is ridiculous to date someone and not talk about your life together… especially as time goes on (6 months, a year, several years)

IF you are wanting to get married as a LIFE GOAL… then you need to express that

And at some point in an ongoing relationship it is perfectly fine (expected !?) that one will sit down and have a LIFE PLAN TALK and express what your ideas are on what you’d like to achieve and when…

I’d like to be finished school by… Have a good job by … Travel to ___ by, Engaged by… Married By… Kids by etc.

Proposals don’t just usually happen out of thin air without a couple having discussed the possibility of their lives continuing on long-term and what that might look like.

Talking about one’s LIFE PLAN is not the same as setting an Ultimatum (I don’t recommend that… as it rarely works)

BUT it is perfectly fine for someone (Man or Woman) to lay out what their hopes & dreams are in the future.

Laying out a LIFE PLAN also makes your partner aware that this is a priority for you… and if it isn’t going to mesh with their plans in the timeframe you’ve set down… that perhaps you aren’t both on the same wave length… and the relationship isn’t going to work out long term.

Hope this helps,

*NOTE – The closer one is to 30… say 28 and above… and if one wants children… then I suggest that talking about one’s LIFE PLAN should happen within the first year.  If one is younger, or not wanting kiddies, then the time span before confronting the topic can indeed be longer

In my own case at over 50, and no thought to children… we didn’t talk marriage for the first 5 years… some more seriously in our 6th year… the same year we got engaged (April 2012)… and then married just after our 7th Dating Anniversary.  At our age, our prime driving force isn’t raising a family… it is more about security (health – medical – financial) and companionship into our old age.

 

Post # 12
Hostess
8576 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I didn’t “have” to bring it up, but we had discussed it before he proposed. Neither of us believe in divorce.. we believe that you make it WORK. We understand that sometimes, it’s just not possible, but we don’t want to be one of those couples. We agreed that we would compromise and find solutions to any problems we came about. Around the same time we also discussed homes, retirement, kids, and many other things as well.

Post # 13
Member
5885 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@ChelsBea:  But that’s what is so wrong in society right now. They make women feel like if they bring it up at all, you are being a nag. You arent!!!! Just talking about what your goals and expectations are, isnt being a nag.

Post # 14
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@ChelsBea:  We have always talked about it and been open with each other on the subject. Sometimes we joked about it, but we always knew it WOULD happen, though we never actually set a timeline for proposal. I found out that he began looking for my ring in January and ordered it on Friday. It was all very natural.

Post # 15
Member
5885 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@ChelsBea:  If you want to have kids by the time you are 30, you might have to start trying at 29 (and be ready in case you are lucky and get BFP right away). If you want to be married for a year or so befor TTC that means wedding at 28. It takes a year to comfortably plan a wedding (and be done faster), so engaged at 27. 

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