Post # 46
we talked about what we wanted out of the relationship throughout our time together; after we said the i love you’s and realized we were serious, we both talked about whether or not we felt we wanted to be married. we both did, and talked about a loose timeline–just a general idea of when we’d be heading to the chapel. lol.
but i think (and this is strictly MY opinion and certainly doesn’t apply to all) if you have to actually nudge your man to propose, which to me seems like you’re trying to convince him or pressure him even a little, then it’s a problem. he shouldn’t need convincing. there’s a difference between having a talk about your relationship and figuring out what you both want, and maybe him realizing that marriage is important. i would consider that to be him (or you) growing in the relationship. but bugging him, nagging him, planning before you’re engaged (or before he’s even agreed to be) is a bit much for me.
Post # 47
Other: After he repeatedly said he wanted to marry me…we decided when the best time would be based on our jobs and studies; and when I’d have to leave to go to law school in another country. So I didn’t know when he would propose but I knew the time we deemed best to get married…so I knew it had to happen before then!
Post # 48
MrsHalpert: but i think (and this is strictly MY opinion and certainly doesn’t apply to all) if you have to actually nudge your man to propose, which to me seems like you’re trying to convince him or pressure him even a little, then it’s a problem. he shouldn’t need convincing. there’s a difference between having a talk about your relationship and figuring out what you both want, and maybe him realizing that marriage is important. i would consider that to be him (or you) growing in the relationship. but bugging him, nagging him, planning before you’re engaged (or before he’s even agreed to be) is a bit much for me.
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I agree with you that he shouldn’t need convincing.
Unfortunately, there are many Bees who are accused of nagging or pressuring when they’re simply trying to get clarification on what’s going on, because their SO’s are giving them mixed signals.
Here is a scenario that is re-told over and over again on the Waiting thread: The guy says “Yes, I love you more than anything and let’s get married and I’m planning on proposing to you by XYZ date.” The agreed upon date that was set by the guy comes and goes. The Bee then goes back to her SO for clarification and he again tells her that he does indeed want to get married and that he really is going to propose, but he needs a little more time due to XYZ reason.
The lines can get very blurry and confusing in situations like this. I don’t know very many women who would stand up and say that they want to nag or bug their SO into proposing. At the same time, if their SO’s are giving them mixed signals, I can see how they would feel confused.
I can think of worse things than being accused of being a nag. Given a choice between staying in the dark and not knowing where things are going, vs. speaking up and being a pest, I’d go with the latter.
I also agree with you in that I generally would not want to start planning anything concrete before being actually engaged.
Post # 49
I’m not sure I fit in your poll. He was ready far before me but was very understanding when I asked for time to figure things out. He proposed, pretty much, immediately after I said I was ready, so it wasn’t really a surprise and we’d been dating for 4 years at that point.
Post # 50
i agree with you that it can get blurry in scenarios like that. absolutely valid for that bee to want some clarification on her future both as a person and as part of that unit. i hate though, when (usually women) can say they aren’t ready to get married and are supported and told “if he’s worth it, he’ll wait for you and respect your hesitation,” and when a guy tells his ready-to-get-engaged-gf the same thing, everyone (usually here) is like “OMG if he doesn’t want to marry you then you need to LEAVE.” like…what? are feelings not valid if you have a penis because they do not tell you that in school.
Post # 51
I’m less of a “nudger” and more of a demander/cryer/gulit-tripper haha! My guy procrastinates so I ambushed him and demanded results that day. I don’t know what came over me, I barely even thought about it, that day I just decided was the day. This is my life too and I wanted the damn ring and commitment! He can keep procrastinating about the actual wedding but I got what I want, sense of security is enough
Post # 53
He said from early on this was it for him. We discussed marriage, timelines, expectations. At 5 years I said very clearly I was ready to be married and live together. He said he would purpose soon. A year later I realised it was not happening and was going out of my mind. Not proud but there were several big arguments and me sobbing uncontrollably. Something clicked during one of these and he went from not ready to ready, extremely excited and very interested in helping plan the wedding. Not ideal but I think sometimes men do need nudging. Happily married for 2 years now, just wish it had been sooner!
Post # 54
Ummmm, embarrassing but I hit a low point in my career, depressed and drunkenly said (while bawling) “will you marry me? We will anyway but I don’t know what to do with my liiiiiiife”. So dumb. He proposed 2 years later. I am in a better place in a different career and in grad school. That’s love, forgiving and forgetting such a pathetic moment. We did talk marriage and booked the venue before he proposed, it was a mutual decision.
Post # 55
ok seriously that’s super rude. Stop sending her these things until you ask!! It’s like you’re trying to get her to agonize over waiting. What the hell?
Post # 56
Never waited. Fi was ready after 2 months, I wanted to get married someday but wasn’t ready to be engaged. So in the end he waited about 7 months.