(Closed) Did you live together before marriage?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Did you live together before marriage?
    Yes : (257 votes)
    86 %
    No : (41 votes)
    14 %
  • Post # 46
    Member
    355 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF

    It always makes me sad when people who share my belief in God can be so judgmental and pass condemnation on others’ lives and choices. It’s not right. My Fiance and I were both raised Catholic (he no longer believes) but I’ve always known that I wouldn’t be comfortable marrying without living with my partner first. The thing is, I’m really funny about how I live and I think it’d be a nightmare if those quirks only came out after marriage – what if my FH couldn’t deal with them? What if I couldn’t deal with him? How I act when just visiting someone is so different from how I live.

    That being said, we moved in together after about a week. We spent all of our time together and it just seemed natural. Whether or not God disapproves will be something that I’ll have to confront in my own time; it’s no one else’s place to say that what I’ve done is wrong, nor should you feel bad for living your life. ๐Ÿ™‚ 

    Post # 47
    Member
    1120 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    We lived together for about a bit more than a year before we were married. It was the best decision and one that he and I both agreed was an absolute must. I couldn’t marry someone I hadn’t ever lived with. You learn a lot about a person when you live with them.

    Post # 48
    Member
    437 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    together for 2 years, lived together 3 years and just got married! x

    Post # 49
    Member
    458 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2016 - Hunting Hill Mansion

    Last winter, I was talking to a co-worker about moving to Indiana in the spring. I was so excited that I had finally found “the house”! She asked if I had a roommate lined up. I was confused at first (she knew my SO and I had been long distance for a few months and that he lived in Indiana) but I turned it into a joke by saying, “Yeah and he’s pretty cute, too!”

    While I thought I was being funny, she got what I can only describe as a “rude” look on her face and says — “Are you parents okay with that?” in the most nasty tone ever. I was actually very offended! I was an intern at the time, but she made it seem like I was a 16-year-old or something of the like. I wanted to say, “Lady, I am an adult woman with a college education! I have been living on my own for 4 years! Do you really think my parents are making those kinds of decisions for me at this point??” 

    Instead, I just replied with “Yeah, my mom is super excited that we don’t have to be long distance anymore!” It was very awkward. To this day, I still think it was one of the rudest things anyone has ever said to me. Maybe not so much in what she said but in the way she said it.

    So I feel your pain!

    Personally, I think moving in together has been less about finding “the crazy” in my SO and navigating aroung “bad quirks” but rather has been a wonderful journey on testing out how the two of us work as a team. For this reason, I would recommend to anyone to move in with their SO before marriage as teamwork plays such an important role in any relationship.

    If you are religious, like a previous commenter mentioned, I don’t think there in anything in The Bible/Christian teaching that forbid living together. If you want to abstain from sex, that’s your prerogative, but I think living together to build a strong foundation before marriage is a great opportunity to learn more about yourself and your partner.

    Side note: My parents did not live together before marriage but only because they didn’t have time! They married after 7 months of dating and have been married for 25 years!

    Post # 50
    Member
    2838 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    pinkrose23:  If you are not a Christian, then of course you are going to have different standards. I am a Christian and I didn’t live with my Darling Husband before marriage. But what that also meant was that we didn’t sleep together before marriage. It is the sex that is the true root of the issue for Christians. We believe sex is only blessed by God within a marital relationship. So could we theoretically live with our FIs before marriage and not have sex – yes. But doing that creates a whole lot of temptation and also gives the appearance that we are having sex before marriage which is also wrong. So, in most Christian circles, you don’t have one without the other, i.e., not living together = no sex and living together = sex.  BUT since you aren’t Christian, and you don’t have the same belief in God and what he blesses, then you can’t be expected to act as though you do belive that.  I don’t believe Christians can make converts out of people by trying to push the outcomes of our beliefs on people who don’t share our beliefs. Rather, I believe the unbelievers need to first come to believe in God and what he values and then change their lives accordingly. Belief in God first with a changed life as a result – that is actually biblical. It really doesn’t happen that first comes the changed life then belief.

    Post # 51
    Member
    261 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2016 - Whitetail Ridge

    Nope! That’s the next part of the adventure, for me. Along with the Irish/Catholic beliefs of my family, marriage is starting a new life with someone else, and (again, for me) I wouldn’t get that with living with someone before we were married. That’s part of the fun of it!

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by  CEM16.
    Post # 52
    Member
    1649 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2015

    pinkrose23:  We moved in together about a year ago, just shy of our sixth anniversary together and two months before we got engaged. We’ll have been living together over two years before we are married.

    Most of the people we know have lived together before getting engaged or being married. It’s incredibly common to do so in modern times and I think your friend simply doesn’t realize that other people don’t have the same beliefs as they do. Try to shrug it off and don’t take it personally – it honestly isn’t worth it.

    MrsBagel:  That story is adorable. I don’t know if I could have done the same, but I’m glad it worked out for you guys. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 53
    Member
    31 posts
    Newbee

    We have known each other for several years. Had been dating around 6 months when we moved in togther, been together for over 3 years now.

    Post # 55
    Member
    22 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    Sure have! We’ve been together for almost 7 years and have been living together for 3. It’s been great ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m so glad we did, as other said, it’s definitely an adjustment when you first start living together, I’m glad we’re settled and can enjoy being married. We’re both catholic and our even at our marriage prep they spoke about living together and how they expected that most of us were living with one another. Times have changed, at least in my church, it’s not at all frowned upon. I think they understand that this isn’t 1960 anymore.

    • This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by  Artseas.
    Post # 56
    Member
    250 posts
    Helper bee

    We didn’t live together (or sleep together) for religious reasons and these past 3 months of marriage have easily been the best of my life- everything changed dramatically after the wedding day and I can honestly say it was SO worth the wait! Though I certainly don’t hold non-Christians to Christian standards, it was tough not to be envious of non-Christians who enjoyed the perks of being married without actually being married. 

    Post # 57
    Member
    84 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2015 - Coastal Maine inn

    My fiance and I met in 2010, moved in together in 2012, and will be married in 2015 – I absolutely would NOT marry someone I hadn’t lived with before. It was something that was really important to me.

    That said, I have friends who didn’t live with their SOs before getting engaged, so whatever works for you! 

    Post # 58
    Member
    3068 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    pinkrose23:  We did, and I really recommend it. I think its helpful to sort out all the living together issues before marriage. You don’t REALLY know someone until you live with them (IMO) and honestly, if I had to deal with the stress of the wedding AND Moving in with my husband I would have lost my shit. Your relationship changes so so much after you move in together. 

    We lived together 3 years before marriage and I am glad we did. Honestly we had a rough-ish transition that first year and Im happy we worked through it and were able to enjoy all the time we had together before we got married. 

    That being said though, I would not move in with someone who I wasn’t sure I was going to marry. 

    Post # 59
    Member
    2837 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    pinkrose23:  Don’t let other’s beliefs/views and/or opinions change yours- or how you feel about something you must have been confident in in the first place.

    I started dating my husband in August 2012- by September 2012 we were “official” LOL— and we lived together by December of 2012.  We were married November of 2013.  I don’t feel like we moved to fast.  We were both comfortable with who we are- we are both in our thirties/never married before.  It will be a year in less than two months that we’ve been married, and it’s been a pretty great first year.  Probably the biggest challenge has been me being pregnant- from being sick/not feeling well….to feeling like everything and everyone around me smells bad (not something I experienced in my first pregnancy!!)– I can imagine the handful I’ve been for both my husband AND my son!!  But we’re all hanging in there ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 60
    Member
    1161 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’m very much of the opinion that as long as it’s two consenting adults, no one is going to get hurt and everyone uses protection I don’t really care who sleeps with who or when so my decision to live with my partner had nothing to do with sex. But i do think that marriage is such a big commitment that there is no way I could have agreed to it with out having as much knowledge of my partner as possible. I think it is a lot easier to hide your true self if you don’t live together and so not living together before marriage was never an option.

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