(Closed) Did you lose friends by getting engaged/married? (Venting)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2295 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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@NessaNessa:  After all of that and everything else you have told us, Good riddance to bad rubbish. Seriously! Reread what you just wrote. You definitely should be thanking them for sealing the nail in the coffin of your friendships with them.

They are immature and cant handle change. Thats not on you. Enjoy the happiness in your life, and the right friends who appreicate you and can support you and your relationship will come along. I promise.

Post # 18
Member
547 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t look at it as loosing friends, I see it as it took a big event not about anyone but me and my man to see the truth about what I thought were friends.  In the end they lost me as a friend for it seems I was the only real one. I only say this about the ones I am no longer friends with, it is just one and thank goodness she is out of my life. 

Post # 20
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I didn’t lose any friends because I got married or engaged.  We had been together for a while, nothing really changed to be honest.  Are your friends very young?  If not, I’d say they sound a little nutty and you are probably better off without people who behave this way in your life.

Post # 22
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through now, they’re not so good friends for you as they just care their feelings. It’s your wedding, if what they bring to you is just trouble, and I would say let them be, I’m sure you won’t be wrong with your sweet future hubby!

Post # 23
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Nessa That is just ridiculous then.  I might excuse this type of thing in someone that is 18 or 20.  I’m sorry you are going through this.  You deserve to have people in yoru life who are more supportive.

 

Post # 24
Member
166 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Seriously, these women must either think they are still in high school or living out a reality TV show. I have had this happen to me with a friend back in undergraduate school who hated my now husband when he and I were dating. She insisted I had changed, basically called me a subservient lowly woman, and would say very insulting, personal things about our relationship. Your decision to live your life the way you want with your husband, to have or not have children, and to fight/make-up/experience all the ups and downs of love and marriage are your own. Sounds like serious jelaousy to me. Enjoy your life with your husband and without these beatas!

From one Portuguese girl to another, manda eles a merda!

Post # 26
Member
2031 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m SO sorry, but when they accused you of being immature for MARRYING YOUR HUSBAND I actually laughed.  When your bridesmaid tried on wedding dresses with you, without being in a relationship, I cringed.  I honestly and truly think that I could have written this post in a way, except most of my friends just don’t seem to acknowledge my engagement instead of turning into crazy people over it.  Weddings bring out the crazy in people, but they also bring out the not-so-crazy in others.  Jealousy is an ugly ugly thing, and it sounds like these two have it BAD.  It sounds to me like it’s time to write them out of your life and move on.  It’s sad and heartbreaking to lose a friend, but these aren’t the type of people you need in your life.  No calls, no invites, completely gone.  If they’re truly friends, they’ll come back on their own and be mortified and ashamed at their behavior.  If not, you’ll be able to move forward with your life without those two dragging you down and making all of your life decisions seem like temper tantrums. 

Post # 27
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Both me and Fiance have lost ‘friends’

He lost a few of his male gay friends, as they saw him as a ‘traitor’ for ‘going back’ (he never actually stopped) to having relationships with women.  One even called him a ‘born again heterosexual’ and made very offensive comments about me. 

Some straight friends haven’t been able to get their head around the idea of a bisexual being happy in a committed relationship, and kept making remarks along the line that Fiance would cheat, was cheating, etc.   I gave them plenty of chances…they were then gone. 

My posts in another section of this forum regarding the lengths some ex ‘friends’ went to – setting up a fake twitter profile – speak for themselves.

And we are both in our early 40s. Some people just never grow up.

Post # 28
Member
406 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Your friends are ridiculous. I have a friend whose marriage I had serious concerns about.  Real issues, not just trivial matters. I told her my concerns. We cried. I told her I’d love her no matter what. I haven’t said another word about it. She will always be my friend, no matter who she is married to. I hope you find true friends who love you no matter what. 

Post # 29
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I lost the friend I have had the longest, one of my BM’s. She just took off and got a new friend, who she makes sure I wont be friends with as well because, and I quote, “I’m afraid you will leave me out” WTF??!?!? Are you three? Is this playgroup? She does not understand that grown adult women do not “hang out” two nights a week and smoke pot and play board games. I have not the time the energy or the desire. I finally made the decision to just let her drift out of my life after listening to everyone around me inform me of how she clearly couldnt take me getting attention at the events surounding my wedding, to my Mother-In-Law kindly suggesting places I could make some new friends because she just didnt see this gal as being the type to give a friend some space to sort out her new little family. Hurts cause its true. 🙁

Post # 30
Member
7899 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

I lost a friend during the engagement and wedding-planning process.

For me, at least, it was the last straw in a series of incidents that revealed our friendship to be fractured and my former friend to be a toxic friend.

My former friend in general has a difficult time being happy for others and prefers to rejoice in other people’s unhappy moments instead, including those of close friends and family. She has terrible self-esteem paired with a huge ego (yes, that is possible) and believes that she will finally be happy when she meets a man, gets married, and has babies. She fails to see that you cannot be a functioning half or a relationship unless you are a functioning individual, so instead of working on herself and learning to love herself, she is always miserable because at 29, she has never had a boyfriend, but all of her cousins and most of her friends are in committed relationships (generally married) and some have kids while she does not. She actually accused (on Twiter no less) one of our friends of getting pregnant just to ruin her life. And this is no exaggeration to her. She literally believes that we plan our lives around pointing out her shortcomings, that we have kids to point out that she does not, and not because, you know, we want a family and have our own agendas to pursue that have absolutely nothing to do with her.

So, when I got engaged we girl friends from college and grad school had a girls weekend planned for the following weekend. When she found out I was engaged, she made excuses and backed out at the last minute because she couldn’t bear to be around me while I was that happy. To her, it’s not fair that I was in a relationship and getting married and she was not.

A few months later, while I was trying to choose a date and general plan for a bachelorette party to pass on to my MoH and bridesmaid, I texted her about general date options. A week later she responded that they didn’t work for her. I called and asked if the problem was the date or if she just wasn’t interested in participating in general so that I didn’t have to move it to accomodate her when she would back out in the end anyway. She started making excuses for this and that. The best was that she would still be at work those days, but she definitely would not be as they were the days before Christmas and she teaches at a private Catholic school. And then when those days came, she was at Universal and Disney anyway (I had wanted to go to Harry Potter World if possible), to which she already has year round passes, even though another excuse was the money. Anyway, I called her out on it. I was not polite, but I certainly was not excessive, nor did I yell. I just asked her to be upfront and to tell me straight out if our friendship was not improtant enough to her to prioritize this party. I told her it was fine if that was the case, but that I needed to know. She hung up on me and hasn’t talked to me since.

When I told then-FI (now DH)–PS, he ahs never liked her and always thought she was a bad friend–he went on facebook (mature, I know) and sent her a private message telling her that he didn’t want her at our wedding if she couldn’t be happy for me and supportive of me, but that if he was mistaken in this view, he would gladly talk about it with her. Well, she thought I made him do that, which just showed me how little she understands me and my relationship with my then-FI.

So I decided that I would wait and see if she responded positively to any of the wedding stuff over the next few months and if she did, I would still issue her an invite, but if she didn’t, I wouldn’t. When she declined to attend the shower without any explanation, I took that (in conjunction with insider info from a mutual friend) to determine that we did not want her at our wedding, even if that meant that the friendship might be over forever. We did not invite her.

Up until the day before the wedding, she was still telling my bridesmaid that she (the BM) was not supportive enough of her and should not go, let alone be in, the wedding if she were really her friend… like we’re in 8th grade or something. I, on the other hand, think my Bridesmaid or Best Man can be friends with whomever she darn well pleases, my toxic former friend included.

Anyway, no regrets.

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