Post # 1
Member
2363 posts
Buzzing bee
- Wedding: September 2013 - B&B
Hello all,
Recently, I have seen a family member, married just a year and a half, nearly go through a divorce, and a very good friend has been blindsided by this potential as well. (Married a little over a year.) I know that some say your first year of marriage is the hardest, but I’m starting to wonder if this is more common than I thought it was…
I am sort of curious if my Fiance and I need to prepare a break-glass-in-case-of-D-word emergency marriage kit or something! Obviously you don’t go into a marriage expecting to get divorced (have fights, sure, argue, sure, disagree, sure!) but I just want to know if its as common as its feeling right now :/ (A side note, my family member isn’t divorced. They seem to be getting stronger and stronger every day.)
I made the poll so you could pick more than one option… maybe you check “never” but you had three friends who were “almost” so you can choose that too.
Post # 3
Member
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
Never thought we would get divorced, but got pretty close to becoming a murderer a few time…
Post # 4
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
I don’t expect to get a divorce, but I don’t think most people go into their marriage expecting to divorce, yet half do. I think that acknowledging divorce (ie – not being afraid to use the D-word or speak about it) can make you realize that marriage is something both parties actively need to work at!
ETA – I know we just got married, but I REALLY don’t see us divorcing any time soon. We want all the same things within the next 10 years or so – a house, kids, the same lifestyle. Unless something extraordinary happens, I see us lasting at least that long (hopefully forever, of course!!!). Is that awkward to say? Probably.
Post # 5
Member
9550 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
I work with a psychiatrist that says that the most common times for divorces are at two and seven years
Post # 6
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
@Nona99: hahaha… not married yet, but THIS! chris rock says something like “if you’ve never practiced your alibi in front of the mirror, you’ve never been in love…” haha!
Post # 7
Member
1399 posts
Bumble bee
@JenGirl: interesting. i wonder why that is.
Post # 8
Member
3175 posts
Sugar bee
I don’t think we have ever been close, but we just celebrated our one year….so that hasn’t given us much time. We have been through some amazingly difficult times already, but I feel like we are just getting stronger each day.
Post # 9
Member
9574 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
Well I’m not married yet so I can’t answer. I’ve seen quite a few friends divorce already (I’m 28). One of my closest friends almost got divorced 1 year after their wedding date (I mean they were living separately, lawyers, already in the court sytem, she was dating). They were apart about 5 months (this year), but now they appear to be working it out. They are living together again, dropped the court stuff etc.
so that’s something…I don’t know if it has to do with the first year of marriage? They lived together for a few years before the wedding so I dont think it was the stress of moving in. I will say though…leading up to the wedding there were defintely red flags.
Post # 10
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Far from it. But we do have an “in case of emergency plan” of sorts. If we ever get to the point where it seems like we’ve run out of hope for our relationship, we will open up the keepsake box that contains a bottle of wine, the love letters we wrote to one another on our wedding day, the love letters that we have and will write to one another on each anniversary, and our handfasting cords from our wedding ceremony. We’ll drink the wine together, re-read those love letters, and hold our handfasting cords to remind ourselves of the good times and why we committed to being together in the first place. Hopefully that will be a big enough kick in the pants to recommit ourselves to making it work, for better or for worse.
Post # 11
Member
2363 posts
Buzzing bee
- Wedding: September 2013 - B&B
thanks for the votes and feedback so far! The 2 or 7 years thing is quite interesting as well! I wonder if those are just the most frequent years for large milestones or something that test a couple?
Post # 12
Member
2903 posts
Sugar bee
Caught my ex husband cheating after 18months…so yeah that ended in divorce. But I am remarried to a really great guy now and we are about to hit the 2yr mark and we are going alot stronger than the 1st year!
Post # 13
Member
2363 posts
Buzzing bee
- Wedding: September 2013 - B&B
@JessMorgan777 What a jerk… (understatement, I know.) But I’m glad things are going so amazing for you now! With both of these people I know it seems to just be mostly disagreements, not cheating. It’s hard for me to imagine because my Fiance and I have certainly disagreed before, but we’ve never actually fought. Anytime we disagree we have a discussion about it, but never flat out fighting…
Post # 14
Member
2662 posts
Sugar bee
My parents are still married (am 32). Almost all of my friends’ parents are still married. Most of my extended family and my friends’ extended families are still married. For me, divorce was just something that happened to “other” people “somewhere.” Not that I thought anything badly of most people who divorced; it was just not something that entered my world.
I took (and continue to take) marriage seriously. I was thoughtful about my previous relationship, and we had all of the right talks to ensure we were on the same pages on major issues. We lived apart and together and apart pre-wedding and thought we had tested ourselves enough, whatever that may mean. We thought we had great communication skills. I was 100% confident divorce would never ever be a valid option.
Then we got married. Then problems that had never come up before were front and center. We stopped sleeping together figuratively and literally. There was begging, crying, fighting, promise making. It just kept getting worse. Then we found ourselves in the double whammy of me giving up my job and moving in with his parents (international move).
There were talks, late night crying, re-affirmations, fights, non-fights. I had already realized that he didn’t know how be a true partner, and it was made crystal clear when he fell so easily back into being their son rather than my husband. That was the last straw for me. I did not want to be a secondary concern for the rest of my life. I didn’t want to be alone in my marriage for the rest of my life. He finally realized I was right and that we needed counseling, but at that point it was years too late.
Sorry that was so long, but I wanted to give a clear idea of what went into the decision. I think the 2-7year period makes sense because that’s when a lot of big adjustments and realizations happen. Big moves, big job decisions, brand new stresses, blending families, etc. Just my 2cents.
Post # 15
Member
436 posts
Helper bee
@Nona99: Haha! I know what you mean. Men and women are just different animals.
My husband and I are very different–I’m a creative, free-spirited home-body while he is a numbers-loving, concrete-thinking social butterfly. While our differences usually are the cause of our marital disputes, they are also what make me love him so incredbily much. We balance each other out.
When I see people getting divorced, I notice a pattern: they think the grass is greener on the other side. Most often they are wrong and are far less happy divorced than they were married. Be happy for what you have, and I think that it would be a GREAT idea to write down all the things that make you love your Fiance, and what makes him special–and put those in a box. Whenever you get mad, pull it out and read them.
Post # 16
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
I’ve been married a year and some months myself, and I can’t imagine ditching my Darling Husband this soon! Love that goofball.