Post # 1
So my gf (i’m the bf) has had a lot of friends become engaged in the last couple of months, and has been telling me to “put a ring on it,” I know she is the ONE since we’ve been dating for 4 years already, but i don’t see the point in getting engaged so early when we won’t even get to have a wedding until 2-3 years later. We’re both in grad school right now and it looks like we’re graduating in 2015, but I want to have a nice wedding, not a quick and cheap one, but I won’t be able to do that until we have jobs!
*** I do not have committment issues! clearly since we’ve been dating for 4 years, but I want to do things right and not too fast***
Before she was hinting that she was ready to be engaged, I had already been shopping for a ring with her sister, but now that she’s hinting at it a lot, I almost feel even more pressure to get the right ring and create this elaborate proposal so she has a story to tell for years to come.
Is this a woman thing where you hint and hint and hope that you get the ring? or am i just freaking out cuz i’m a guy!?
Post # 3
@otto2008: I didn’t pressure my husband into proposing, he did it on his own. However, some men need the push because they aren’t on the same page as other couples.
You should communicate to your GF that you are going to propose someday, but that you would like to finish school first and land good jobs.
That was the agreement my husband and I had, we agreed that we would take the relationship to the next level after we got done with school and had full time jobs with a stable income
Be honest with her and she will understand.
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2013 - Vine Street Church
Absolutely not. I wanted him to propose when he was ready.
Post # 5
Honestly, I’d have a real discussion with her about your thoughts on your relationship, marriage and the timeline that you are thinking about. See what she thinks. Talk about it. Let her know that you don’t really appreciate all the hint dropiing, and if she wants to say something she should just say it. Be honest and direct but not accusatory. Then you can both be on the same page moving forward.
For me, personally, my husband was really to get married before I was. We talked about it and I asked for some time to figure things out. He was very gracious and didn’t pressure me. And I was able to take my time to think and then tell him that I was ready. So no hint dropping for me.
Post # 6
@otto2008: have you told her what you’ve written in your post? Maybe if she has a good idea of why you two aren’t engaged yet, she’ll feel better. It really sucks to live your life based on someone else’s timeline, so open communication is key.
I didn’t pressure my fiance because he had explicitly told me that he wasn’t ready for the pressure and costs of a wedding, and that he didn’t want to get married while I was in grad school. I thought it was a fair assertion and I was glad that he was 100% committed to me regardless.
Post # 7
@JenGirl: This this this.
I didn’t pressure him, because we had talked openly about our relationship and what we saw for our future. We were both on the same page regarding when we wanted to be married.
It can be hard when you haven’t discussed it. She can’t read your mind, so while you know you plan to propose but are waiting for the right time, she might not know if marriage is even on your radar.
Post # 8
I’m actually in your position. My SO wants to be engaged sooner & I’m the one who wants to wait a bit and get school finished etc
Best thing I can say is be honest & open. Have a conversation about both of your views on the next few years and tell her WHY you want to wait.
Post # 9
I pushed the topic, yes. Once he asked me to back off because it made him feel pressured, I did. He’ll propose when he’s ready, and we’ve agreed to a timeline which places a proposal within about a year.
Post # 10
@otto2008: I didn’t start pushing until this last year. We have been together for nearly 5 years and we are both in our 30’s. This was something that I wanted him to do on his own but when we passed 4 years and still no sign I started hinting a lot more.
We had open discussions on future and marriage so I knew it would happen but I wanted him to understand that I’m not getting any younger and if we want kids too we had better get started soon!
Post # 11
I told my BF that I would like to get married some time within the next 2-3 years depending on when it will fit in with life etc. We’ve been together for 3.5 years and we probably had this talk around the 3 year mark. Now, how to say this without making it sound weird or downright wrong – marriage is not a big deal to him, it’s not something he cares very much about and he would have never thought about it if I hadn’t brought it up. And honestly Im the same myself in some ways. The only reason I said it and we’ve talked about marriage is because we’re a binational couple and I’m the one living abroad. If it weren’t for the practical matters this entails I wouldn’t care about getting married before we’d already had kids.
I think you should be able to clearly express your wants and expectations – never pressure. Not sure that I think telling your SO that he should ‘put a ring on it’ is a nice way of doing it. But the idea that only one part of the relationship can suggest marriage and only the other part can accept or decline is uber old-fashioned in my mind.
Post # 12
Ew no I didn’t pressure him at all. We talked about it once at the beginning of college when I just said I’d like to be engaged by graduation because I wasn’t comfortable planning my life/career around his unless there was a serious commitment. He agreed. Then he proposed junior year.
I wonder if this is just a conflict in wants. Maybe she doesn’t realize you want to wait to have a bigger/nicer wedding – I think most women (me included, anyway) assume that men would rather have a quicker and smaller event!
Post # 13
@otto2008: I’ll admit that I’m guilty for pressuring my FI, and a lot. I shouldn’t have done it and regret doing it, especially since for a long time I worried that I had made him propose when he didn’t want to. We’re over it now, but I wouldn’t recommend it for anybody, especially as it put so much unnecessary pressure on him… I should have been more patient, in the end, and I’m trying to be now.
Post # 14
@otto2008: No, I didn’t have to. He wanted to get married just as much as I did and we were on the same page about when we wanted to get married. Sounds like you need to sit down and have an open discussion with her about it.
Post # 15
I want to be clear tho, I want to get married, we’ve already discussed the hints and now we make a joke about it, but like I said I want to do this right. I don’t mind being engaged now, beecause frankly I’m tired of being called the boyfriend anyway after 4 years.
Post # 16
I didn’t pressure him at all. If anything, when he tried to discuss it, I brushed him off! He knew that I did not want to be engaged until I was finished school. I told him other than that, it was up to him. I knew we would get married, I just wanted to finish school without any distractions so I made a conscious effort not to think about it. He proposed 2 months after I graduated!