Post # 1
For those of you who wrote your own vows, did you read each other’s prior to the ceremony? For whatever irrational reason I *feel* like it should be a surprise. Like if we read it ahead of time then the wedding is less real or something. But I’m also worried that our vows won’t “match.” Or he will dislike something about mine. On the other hand I also feel that its an agreement you’re entering into so wouldn’t it be useful to know the terms before you “sign?” This “more practical” argument is not quite practical though because hopefully we’ve already gone over all of the details. So I’m trying to find out if its normal to be a surprise or to go over them ahead of time. What did you do?
Also, its separated into two paragraphs. First one is all the stuff he’s done/I trust him to do/I appreciate about him. Second one is all the stuff I promise to do. I don’t want to post the whole thing here for privacy reasons, but does that seem about right?
Post # 2
We wrote ours together so we absolutely saw them before the wedding. It didn’t take anything away from the ceremony, we both still got a little emotional while reading them on our wedding day.
As for what you have, the first paragraph isn’t vows. Personally, I would cut it. You can always write him a short love letter to read before the ceremony if you want but all that stuff doesn’t typically go in the ceremony. Of course, it’s your wedding so you can do whatever you want.
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2018 - City, State
We are writing ours separately. We came up with a general length (<500 words) and had a brief discussion of what we think vows “should” be (like, actually vowing some things, not only a ton of in-jokes). So there’s some degree of togetherness there? But we are writing them on our own and not sharing what they say until we are at the altar. I’m really excited for that moment when I get to hear what he has to say, like opening a really beautiful present 🙂 Even if they’re different stylistically, they’ll still be the most “us” part of the wedding.
That said, there’s no wrong way to do it. Whatever makes you the most comfortable.
Post # 4
We read ours to each other in private the night before the wedding. We went back and forth about whether to do it but in the end both wanted to have that private moment. Like you I was also worried our vows wouldn’t “match” – like his would be way better or something haha…or way worse!!…so sharing them beforehand made me feel a lot calmer during the actual ceremony. I didn’t feel like it made it any less special either…it was still meanignful to stand up in front of our loved ones as witnesses and say those things to each other, even though we had said them in private the night before.
We wrote our vows separately but they both ended up in a similar format, with a mix of promises and sharing what we loved about the other person. I don’t think it’s at all inappropriate to include things about what your partner has done for you and why you value him in your vows, personally. We both did that and had multiple people come up to us afterward to tell us how moved they were by what we said to each other. You can write whatever you want; there are no rules. That’s the beauty of designing your own ceremony! Do what feels natural and most meaningful to you!
Post # 5
My best friend asked me to read over her and her husband’s vows to keep it secret but also make sure they sounded cohesive. Despite having written them seperately, they both matched really well! So if you want to keep it secret but want to sort of quality control, having a trusted love one read them over may be a possibility.
Post # 6
We are revealing them at the ceremony. He already knows mine are going to be better since I’m a more experienced writer and I’ve written a lot of rough drafts, whereas he isn’t obsessing about it like I am. I’m not worried at all about them matching, that’s irrelevant to me. Our vows are our own reflections, hopes, and promises, and I think it will be special to hear his thoughts in that one singular moment. They are not terms of an agreement – that would be the prenup!
Post # 7
We revealed at the ceremony. I think Darling Husband was a little embarrassed because my vows were “prettier” than his – he said he should have gone first because he couldn’t top mine, but otherwise it went well.
I would suggest cutting the first paragraph to one line. Vows are vows – they should predominantly be promises to each other. I started my vows by saying “I choose you to be mine and I choose to be yours” then went straight into “I promise…” The last line I started with “Because of you, I love, I laugh, I dare to dream again, so above all, I promise to love to more.” Two non-promises that were short and didn’t overpower the promises.
Post # 8
kxbx : That’s a good idea. We might do this.
Post # 9
impatient1 : we did not. But i was also worrie about them being “matching” (because we had been to so many weddings where they were so different, and it’s just not good). We sat down together and made a list of promises we were going to make to each other and include in the vows, but had the freedom to put them in our own words. We then talked about length, and the final step is that we both sent them to my sister and had her read hem and give us both comments. We specifically asked her to make sure she felt that they matched and were “equal” so neither outshine the other. It worked out perfectly, while still being able to keep the actual speeches a surprise.
Post # 10
We wrote ours together and made the same promises to each other – similar to the traditional vows where both partners repeat the same things, just with our own twist.
Although we both said the same things, a guest came up to us after the ceremony and was swooning over “how heart-felt, romantic, beautiful” DH’s vows were. She said “yours were fine too, but I’ve just never heard anything like his” 😂 She argued with us when we said “well, that’s funny because we literally read from the same document verbatim”
So your guests probably aren’t listening that closely so do whatever feels right to you and your partner!
Post # 12
depends on how you look at how confidential it is though. but i think it’s better just to check each other’s vow to avoid any mismatch or difference in the details of your vow. because for me, you will still get the feels when your husband said it himself during the ceremony even after you knowing what he’s going to say.
Post # 13
We didn’t share ours with one another before the big day. Our vows were perfect reflections of us. Mine were poetic and eloquent and full of flowery language etc, very smooth. His were focussed very much on family and making the right kinds of promises without any of the frills. To the extent that our officiant made a comment afterwards that made everyone laugh. He joked: “Well, you can tell who studied drama”, because I was projecting and reading for hubby but so that everyone could hear, I don’t know if everyone could hear him. 😛
Post # 14
Our reverend read both of ours prior to make sure they were equally good.
We had discussed the content (we both wanted to start with a brief intro of why we fell in love, then vows, and a word count). But hearing them as a surprise at the altar was my absolute favourite part of the day! He blew me away by how amazing and unique they were, as I am usually the “writer” between the two of us.
Post # 15
He’s going to finish writing his this weekend then we will edit together.