Did you take your Mum wedding dress shopping?

posted 2 weeks ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
842 posts
Busy bee

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  DON’T take your mother with you if she’s like that.  And while the PPs who suggest asking her to be ‘positive’ mean well, I’m guessing they don’t have a mother like yours.  I know full well that I can ask my mother a million times to ‘be positive’ and ‘not discuss my weight’ and it will be water off a duck’s back to her.  Her idea of fulfilling that agreement would be “Well dear, I don’t think that dress makes you look too fat.  And the tummy bulge isn’t too noticeable…”  And I knew that if I found a dress and showed it to her afterwards, her negative comments would still wreck it for me.

Go either on your own or with a supportive friend who can give you constructive feedback without pushing you into getting something that doesn’t feel right for you.  And don’t let your mum see your dress until the day!

If you’re worried your mum might be upset at missing out, try what I did.  I told her that it was really important to me for my dress to be a surprise for her on the wedding day.  But I then asked for her advice on shoes and hair ornaments.  So she felt important (I was thinking about her reaction on the day) and also that she had some input into my look (but it wasn’t about anything she could make ‘fat’ comments over!)  

Post # 17
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee

If you ever wanted to stand your ground with her, now is your chance. I would take her dress shopping, and when she starts in on your weight, stare at yourself in the mirror, and simply say, “I disagree. I think I look fabulous.” People like your mom will always try to control your self esteem and your life…if you let them. They play on insecurities. Show your mom her opinion is like water. And don’t allow her to purchase your dress. She knows if she’s paying for it, she’s also purchasing input on the style. My point is you’re soon to be married, and now is the time to take away her power. You want to let her know where you stand now as a woman, as opposed to the little girl she raised. Show her you’re a strong, independent woman who will no longer be influenced by her negativity. She’ll back down eventually when you ooze nothing but confidence in yourself and your choices. You didn’t back down with your step dad walking you down the isle–you’re on a roll–why stop there? 

Post # 18
Member
1349 posts
Bumble bee

I did! I’m her only daughter and she has good style so we made a nice weekend of it. Totally depends on the person though and if you feel it won’t be a value-add then don’t xo

Post # 19
Member
8395 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I don’t have a bad relationship with my mom and I still didnt bring her shopping LOL. I went with one of my friends. 

I brought my mom to one of my fittings but that was it. 

Post # 20
Member
25 posts
Newbee

Shopping for a wedding dress should be fun! Being accompanied by someone who is judgemental, thinks you should lose weight and wants you to buy a cheap, used dress doesn’t sound like a set up for an ideal experience. I’d take a friend.

Post # 21
Member
4182 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

View original reply
@christmas22bride:  I vote go without her. 

You are trying to find your wedding gown. There is a lot of built in pressure and anxiety surrounding these shopping trips as is, so you want to surround yourself with supportive people. You do not want your mother commenting on price, your body, or anything else that is going to make you feel bad. 

Just tell her you actually ended up finding a dress you loved and bought it. Thank her for her offer. 

 

Post # 22
Member
9 posts
Newbee

I would absolutely not take my mother if she acted that way. I did not take my mother but thats because we have zero relationship. I haven’t seen her in years. Best of luck!

Post # 23
Member
46 posts
Newbee

View original reply
@christmas22bride:  I’m so sorry your mom is like this. If it were me, I wouldn’t include her. This is YOUR time, the time where you should feel over the moon happy. And from the sounds of it, she will inevitably bring negativity to the situation and/or make everything about herself. Unfortunately we can’t choose family. But we can choose to distance ourselves from toxic, narcissistic, shitty people. Keep your head up bee. Don’t let anyone guilt you into anything. ❤️

Post # 24
Member
1499 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I vote for going with her, but laying the ground rules (if you think she’ll follow them).  

If she won’t follow them, tell her you’re not inviting her AND TELL HER WHY.  She should know that the reason she won’t see her daughter try on dresses is that she makes you feel bad.  Other explanations won’t incentivize her to change her behavior (or give her a chance to change it).  I wouldn’t keep it a secret, either.  If other family members contact you, let them know.  In my experience, bad behavior like this tends to come to an end when light is shined on it and people are forced to bear the shame of their bullying/ bad behavior.

Post # 25
Member
7401 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

If she’s as you described, heck no I wouldn’t take her. Why take her and make yourself miserable? Just take your most supportive friends and have a great time. If mom asks why she wasn’t included I’d straight up tell her it’s because her negative attitude and rude behavior makes you feel bad about yourself and wedding dress shopping should be fun and happy.

I did not take my mom either. We aren’t particularly close and she lives 14 hours away. She would have been just fine but I personally just didn’t feel like it was a priority to have her there. 

Post # 26
Member
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2022

I would not bring her, bee. For the weight comments alone, no way. It’s your time to be a princess and find your dream dress without negative external chatter (which makes the internal negative chatter turn on, been there!!). Let her know you found the one when you find it, and if she wants to help contribute to your wedding accessories, or pay you back for the dress as her contribution, or maybe help you choose the veil you’d love for her to be part of that experience. If she acts hurt you can tell her it was nothing against her, you just needed to make this decision on your own since it’s going to be your day and your dress and no one else’s opinions really matter! You can also be honest and tell her her negative comments bring you down, but be prepared to go in circles as narcissistic moms never change. 

Post # 27
Member
10113 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

View original reply
@christmas22bride:  

I agree with pps who say no don’t take her. And don’t let her pay either. Go alone or with a supportive friend and 
tell her you bought  it by yourself on impulse in your lunch hour or something.  

 

 

 

Post # 28
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Do not go with your mother. She will ruin it. Do not take her money.

Furthermore, tell her (once and without discussion) that she is not to mention your body in any way or context ever again or you will leave/hang up/end whatever is going on. And that you won’t have any contact with her again for a month. And the next time two months. And, if there’s a third time, six months. If you set a clear boundary and give her negative consequences for stomping on it she may be educable. 

She is being abusive. You don’t need that in your life.

Post # 29
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
@christmas22bride:  My heart is breaking for you, lovely. I have been having a similar experience with my mom.  She hasnt been enthusiastic, and has insinuated that I’m undeserving of various things.  She’s been very frugal (although my parents are quite well-to-do)…I think its because she grew up with very little and thinks weddings are wasteful.  I ultimately decided to go shopping on my own and it was a very very happy experience.  I facetimed my mom during the process which provided little reassurance but at least I tried.  Here is my advice and input to you…

I think you need to schedule an intentional sit-down chat with your mom. Tell her that you have some boundaries that you feel need to be established.  #1, your weight.  You are who you are and your fiance loves you.  You do not wish to hear her say anything about your body because it is hurtful, and quite frankly, none of her business.  #2, your parents have raised you equally.  It is selfish for her to make it about her, and not want to spend 3 minutes a foot away from your father.  She cannot think that her 3 minute walk is more important than your lifetime of a relationship with each of them.  The walk symbolizes them both leading you to your new life and you have every right to choose who you want to walk with you.  DO NOT BACK DOWN.

#3, ask her if she is happy for you.  Ask her why it has been so difficult to bask in your moment.  Last, tell her you are hurt.  Explain that you are coming from a place of cherishing your relationship, but that her attitude is driving a wedge between you.

 

**sending hugs! You are beautiful!!!!

Post # 30
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

View original reply
@christmas22bride:  Don’t bring her out of obligation. You’ll regret it. I went dress shopping alone because I’m a bit of an introvert and prefer shopping alone usually. I wanted to really love my dress without feeling pressured by other people’s expectations or impatience. I found the one I loved and then shared a picture with my bridesmaids and mom.

Later in the wedding process I felt guilty not including her as much as I “should” and I started to involve her more and give her a bigger role at the wedding. I regret it. She ended up drinking (as a recently “recovered” alcoholic), making a scene, and storming out. 

At the end of the day, she came with a negative attitude to my wedding because she has issues within herself. There is nothing I could have done to ensure that she felt loved and happy on that day because she does not love herself and is not a happy person. It isn’t your job on your wedding day to babysit your mother’s feelings – your job is to get married and her job is to be happy for you.

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