(Closed) Did you wait and if not would you wait?

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

This kinda seems like a harsh judgement of others’ relationships.  I think every relationship is different and that it is impossible to say how you would act in a different situation.  

Post # 5
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

I didn’t wait and I’m with you on the I wouldn’t wait. That has alot to do with my stance on dating though. I’ve learned through my own past relationships and baggage that dating just to date doesn’t do anyone any good and that dating should be with intent to find a marriage partner. Knowing that I stayed single until I was ready to think about marriage and didn’t date anyone that didn’t hold the same convictions. I had a very detailed list on what I needed in a mate and if the guy didn’t match that we didn’t continue in getting to know each other (this saved both parties heartache). When Darling Husband and I began dating it was clear that we were on the same page with our core values and with that decided that marriage was the next step.

I think that the reason people take so long to decide if “you’re” it is because most people don’t take the time necessary to self-examine and know what they want or need… and well I think that ALOT of unnecessary heartache and baggage could be bipassed if people looked at themselves BEFORE going on and getting involved with someone.

Post # 6
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I agree about not dating just to date, but I can still see why some people wait.  There are many reasons to put off marriage other than not actually being in love or right for each other.

Post # 7
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

I didn’t wait, he proposed at 11 months and I was expecting him to wait until after our 1 year anniversary. But if it happened differently, he def would have been worth the wait 🙂

Post # 8
Member
2195 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I waited. We were in college when we met, and around here people don’t get married while in school. Then I went to grad school and he has been working extremely hard. It didn’t make sense for us to get engaged until we were ready to get married. I had no intentions on having a long engagement, so we waited until the time was perfect. We were together for 5.5 years before he popped the question. The last year or so was tough, and I was definitely ready for a proposal, but when it happened it was exactly what I wanted and now we can really focus on planning a wedding and our life together.

I do not see a problem with waiting if you know the end result. Not a whole lot will change once we’re married since we already live together and do not plan on having babies for awhile. I think that OPs comments are indeed harsh and each relationship is completely different.

Post # 9
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

We had known each other for 10 years before dating, and knew early on that we would eventually be married. Once we knew this was it, there was no rush to get engaged or married. I was 20 when we started dating, and I wanted to finish college before we got married. We were together 3 years when he proposed, 5 when we got married, and I think that was perfect for us.

When I was a teenager, I didn’t date with the notion that this person could possibly be my husband, until I started dating my ex. Then, when that didn’t work out, I knew that I wouldn’t date someone seriously unless we were headed to a future together. Thankfully, hubs was next in line, so I didn’t have to wait long.

I also agree that the waiting boards make me anxious. I don’t think I could be with someone who didn’t know within a year at the most that they wanted to be committed to me. But, I never felt the need to push for a ring, the commitment agreement was enough for me. He proposed about a year before I expected it to happen, which was fine, it just gave us time to have a long engagement

Post # 10
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Well, we have very different perspectives on this topic.  It’s unclear to me that you want to actually explore these different perspectives or if you were just posting to state your opinion and I’m just wasting my time sharing mine.  Personally, I can’t fathom getting engaged at 3 months, but I don’t initiate threads to criticize your lifestyle choices.  In my opinion, you barely know a person at that point and don’t know how they respond to things.  I would never want to get engaged at less than one year of dating.  I also prefer a longer time dating to longer time engaged – to me the point of being engaged is that you want to get married soon and you are planning your wedding NOT a time to get to know the person. 

My SO knew he wanted to marry me, but wasn’t ready to get engaged.  I waited for my SO to be ready to get married because well, why wouldn’t I wait for the love of my life?  Why would I want to pressure him to make him propose sooner than he’s ready?  While it makes sense to leave quickly if you disagree about major life choices such as whether to have children or not, it seems a recipe for disaster to be constantly impatient and leaving relationships before they have time to bloom.

Post # 11
Member
3011 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I didn’t wait.

Post # 12
Member
1829 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Everyone is so different and it all depends on the stage of life you’re at.   Personally, I knew I never wanted to get married until I was 30, so the boyfriends I had in my 20s weren’t people I was necessarily looking at as a future marriage partner.  I wasn’t dating just to date but the thought of marriage had never crossed my mind.   One boyfriend mentioned marriage and that was the end of our relationship.   I just didn’t want to be married, I had too many other things to do with my life that were more important than getting married in my 20s. 

I met my now Fiance when I was 29 whilst we were on holiday in China.  I knew by the end of the three weeks that he was the man I was going to marry but we still waited a bit as it was long distance between Australia and America.  We got engaged 13 months after we met and it was a complete surprise.   I believe in the whole “when it’s right, you just know” but I also think it takes a certain level of maturity and life experiences to get to a point where you can say that.   I knew the feeling I had with my Fiance was different from any other feeling I’d had, but if I was much younger, I don’t know that I would have realized that. 

Post # 13
Member
1844 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

  I did wait for my Fiance. We had been dating for nearly six years before he proposed. I was 20 and he was 18 when we first started dating. Speaking on my own experiences and my own perspective, looking back, I don’t think I would have been ready to be married until I was 25. At that point in my life, I had completed my bachelor’s degree, I had a decent start in my career (education), and I was at a place where it would be more financially feasible to support a marriage.

  For my Fiance and I, it’s all about waiting and patience. We will have a 22 month engagement, and even when we get married, we will more than likely live apart for a year. He is finishing up a PhD, I am finishing my Master’s. Our plan is to move back to our hometown (which is where I currently live) when he finishes school. There are quite a few job opportunities here for him, and I have a full-time job in my field, which is hard to come by these days.

  I feel like we had good reasons to wait. Education is important to both of us, and we both know that we have some things we want to accomplish before throwing marriage into the mix. Does that mean I still don’t feel frustrated or angry at the situation from time to time? No. I would get really sad when I would see friends who had been with their SO’s far less time than I had, get engaged, married, and start a family.

  Everyone’s situation is different. I have a friend who grew up in a culture that it is not uncommon to get engaged after dating for less than a year and married three months after the engagement. They probably think the way that my fiance and I are doing things is strange. It doesn’t mean that they’re any better or we’re any worse. We all respect each other’s situations.

  Now, if we had been dating for all this time and no progress had been made, then I would have to do some re-evaluating of our situation. That is something that I wouldn’t be okay with.

Post # 14
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

I guess the way I would answer this depends on how you define waiting.  I had lots of strong ideas about what I wanted in a relationship and wasn’t interested in dating just to date, but wanted to invest my heart and my time with someone who was interested in marriage.  When my boyfriend entered the picture, he told me that he was only in this because he was serious about me and serious about pursuing marriage — and he was upfront about his intentions without me having to ask him because he wanted to make sure that *I* was on the same page and that I wouldn’t play games with his heart.

My personal rule was always that I would not stay in a relationship longer than about one year, because I felt that was long enough for people to make up their minds for where things were going.  However, life is not perfect and we can’t control every detail, and I have learned that I can’t be so “rule oriented” in life — things have to be flexible sometimes! There has been some waiting in our relationship.  We met while I was studying abroad, so he had to wait for me for a little over a year while I completed a highly intensive Master’s program back in the U.S.  My focus was on the program during that time, and our development as a couple was slowed down somewhat somewhat by that.  We only saw each other about 3 times over the course of that year, and the rest of our relationship was pure skype, which was especially tough for him since he wasn’t a phone person to begin with (although he would talk to me for 8 hours at a time on skype!).  Next, I agreed to move to his country to live near him, but I’m waiting for him to finish his PhD.  We’ve really had the chance to grow and “bloom” as Kay01 put it in her post.  I feel much more satisfied that we’ve gotten to spend time growing, talking, working through stuff together, getting out socially, making couples friends, and hanging out naturally in person.  My Boyfriend or Best Friend is open about the fact that he wants to get engaged after his PhD, so I feel that we’re on the same page in that we know we’re right for each other.

I think that if he wasn’t *sure* whether I was the one for him after this much time, or if there wasn’t an obvious reason to wait for engagement temporarily, that’s where I wouldn’t feel comfortable “waiting”.  I don’t want to be taken for a blind ride with someone who doesn’t know where he’s going or what he wants, and not having an end in sight would drive me nuts.  But if the couple is on the same page and both are being treated fairly, I don’t see a problem with waiting.  

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