(Closed) Did you/Are you marrying a man who’s family hates you? How do you deal?

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

My parents went thru this.  My mother’s mother (nanny) is one of those Vodoo Catholics, she and HER mother went everyday to church to pray for bad things to happen to people so they would conform to what the two old ladies wanted.  My grandmother got my dad fired from his job.  My parents cut them off. Wouldn’t let them see my older brothers, moved and left no forwarding address.  My Nanny went to court to try to get custody of my brothers from my “WHORE of a mother”.  they lost.  Nanny didn’t even know she was preggers with me till after I arrived, and then only cause someone slipped up and told her.  The last straw was when my nanny prayed that my dad would get into a car accident with out my older brothers in the car …. really? what about me and my younger brother or my mom??

we moved to a different state, NY to MD, to get the eff away from CRAZies … My parents were a united front and just cut them out.  No contact, mail Christmas presents back, until .. Nan came around and kept her mouth SHUT.  Maybe you guys should try that ….. cut them off till they get a clue

Post # 4
Member
1370 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

My STB in laws are starting to come around, but it’s still clear they’d prefer he be with someone else. I just ignored the situation. I don’t live anywhere near them so I luckily got to keep my distance but I don’t think being distant helped bond us either. It’s a bit childish but I’m not much of a suck-up so I definitely didn’t go out of my way to be super nice. I was cordial and sweet but not fake.

It helps that Fiance isn’t close with his family so their opinion didn’t sway him much. As I mentioned earlier they see we love each other and work together well so although I’m not their ideal mate for him, they’re really starting to come around. Only time will tell how things will pan out but keep your head held high and don’t let offhanded remarks blow your confidence. Be strong and true to yourself and guaranteed you’ll earn their respect more than if you start getting fake.

Also, Fiance hinted that they might not see future grandchildren as often if they’re not nice to me!

I have some pretty ridiculous stories about his mom when she was still in her period of hating me, I totally understand where you’re coming from and the position you’re in. It’s not easy.

Post # 6
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Maybe he should just cut them off for a few months?  Hell my dad is doing that to us kids since we aren’t properly enthusiastic about his girlfriend … and we are at least putting up with her, no snide remarks or things,  so we can see my dad.  Pisses me off to NO freakin end but in order to see my Pops we just have to suck it up. 

Post # 7
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

my in-laws hate me and Fiance is a mommas boy. they are crazy, I try to avoid them but that’s impossible. We just ignore eachother and it makes everyone uncomfortable. I am not going to force them to like me, I have other friends. My fiance has a hard time standing up to them because his mom will stop talking to him. I want to move thousands of miles and have been looking for a job to help get away.

Post # 9
Member
2450 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

well that’s simple. 

Fiance loves me. When they continued to side with his ex (who continued to say that I am a home-wrecking whore), he cut his siblings out of his life and hasn’t spoken with them in over a year.

Post # 10
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

I just avoid them. I can’t stand to be in the same room as them. I’ve told my Fiance that he can go visit them whenever he likes because I want him to have a good relationship with his parents, but that I wont join him. I hate to think what’ll happen when we have kids :/ I certainly wont be leaving any child of mine alone with FI’s parents (leave them alone and next thing I know I’ll have brainwashed kids)

Post # 12
Member
1844 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@SoontobeMrsA: Things started off rough with my FI’s family, especially his mother. There is something with that mother-son bond that I guess I won’t understand until I have a baby boy (if I ever do).

As hard as it was, I would always try to take the high road. If something was bothering me, I would be very, very careful in choosing my words to my Fiance. I was crying after an evening with his family. He talked to his mom and stood up for me. Things improved, especially after he went to grad school. She saw that I wasn’t going to hold him back, plus, it was less time spent with his parents.

I agree with moving away from them, or at least giving yourselves enough space so you don’t have to interact often. Also, is there an extended family member (like an aunt) that you get along with? I am really fortunate that I get along well with an aunt on his mom’s side. This aunt also married into the family and went through a bunch of problems with them, too, so it was nice to have someone to commiserate with.

Hope this helps! I’ve read your posts before, you seem like a really nice person, and hopefully your FI’s parents will come around!

Post # 13
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

We actually get along really well with each others families. But, my dad’s parents are aholes, and a bunch of shit happened when me and my brother were younger. Let’s just say, I can’t beleive these awful people gave birth to my loving amazing father. They finally made my dad choose between us and them, and I am happy to report that we haven’t spoken a word to them in 22 years. Best.decision.ever.

Also, hubs mom is an alcoholic and won’t get help, so we haven’t spoken to her in over a year. You gotta do what you gotta do in instances like this.

I think that for you guys, moving further away is an option. Also, everything goes through Mr A, and you only go to see them if necessary

Post # 15
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@SoontobeMrsA: 

How did you deal with in-laws who hate you?

After umpteen attempts at taking the high road, doing the “right thing” and after my husband’s attempts to speak to them, the way I have dealt with them is to cut them entirely out of my life. I haven’t seen them nor spoken tto them in 7 months going on 8 now. My husband’s bday is today and his mother will not call him as she has not spoken to him in one month so far.

It’s not ideal in the least as I know my husband is hurt. He dosen’t show it, nor does he talk about them. He knows he married me, that we did nothing wrong to them and so it is “their problem” now. Until they smarten up and accept that his love for me does not diminish his love for them, they can keep their childish antics and hurtful comments to themselves.

I know this is very difficult for you. Heck, I’m living it too. But remember that your man chose you and with you he plans to stay and the inlaws are just going to either have to start treating you with respect or you have to pretend they don’t exist. Best wishes that it all works out one way or another.

Post # 16
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Do not let his family control your lives, you love this man and they need to deal with it.  That having been said do understand that you will have certain challenges that NEED to be addressed before the wedding.  I suggest seeking some professional advice (just one or two sessions)  with someone who can offer practical ways to deal with this situation in a mature and healthy way.  I am divorced, my ex-husbands family hated me.  The day of my wedding the sister in law told be” I don’t care if you are married to my brother or not, YOU will never be a part of my family”  She along with other members of his family did everything they could over the years to mess us up.  Including aranging events when I was out of town with his ex-girlfriends.  I hate to say this but it is true when you marry a man you marry his family too.  You will see these people at holidays, birthdays and events for the REST of your life.  Get some professional advice NOW so that the two of your are prepared if/when something happens.  You don’t want to be ill prepared for this. Good luck to the both of you.  Your love can make this work, but don’t go in blindly thinking that love will fix it all.

 

 

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