(Closed) Did your current relationship start as an affair?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Did your relationship start as an affair?
    Yes, on his part. : (31 votes)
    5 %
    Yes, on my part. : (70 votes)
    11 %
    Yes, we were both in a relationship. : (23 votes)
    4 %
    No. : (499 votes)
    77 %
    Not my current relationship, but a past one started as an affair. : (25 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 107
    Member
    78 posts
    Worker bee

    @shootznladrz89:  +1000

    What works for one couple doesn’t work for all. I will say that I hate the ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ and ‘how you got him is how you’ll lose him’ type of clichés. I feel like they were all invented by scorned spouses, LOL.

    I think we can all agree cheating is a mistake, however, people can change. People can learn from their mistakes. You can grow, change, and live your life better. Saying people can’t change is insulting to all of you! We can all change and be better. Yes, I am sure there are men and women for that matter, that cheat, justify it and never think about it again, and maybe those are doomed to repeat their mistake. However , there are also those who cheated, went to counseling to find out why they cheated, find the roots of their unhappiness and would never do it again, as well as those who have become deeply religious after, everyone makes mistakes, and everyone has an opportunity to grow and all of us can change.

    The dynamics of each relationship is different so I don’t think that if he cheated on his prior SO he will definitely cheat on you. I try very hard not to judge others and their relationships, everyone needs to be comfortable with their own choices.

    Post # 108
    Member
    4522 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @dragon_tattoo:  +1 My issue with “how you got him is how you’ll lose him” is that it doesnt at all explain why wholesome, wonderful people who attained a man “properly/ethically” get cheated on and dumped.

    I’m not saying I don’t believe in karma at all, but I do feel lines like that are created to make people feel better, not because it’s always true. I think it’s a natural reaction to a random world where we ultimately have very little control.

    Post # 109
    Member
    1314 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    As a person who cheated one time in my life 14 years ago, once a cheater always a cheater is just not true, and I would hate it if my husband subscribed to that theory. He knows about my slip up with my ex, and he did not condemn me for it. Every situation is different. With that being said, I would not marry someone that was being unfaithful to his spouse. If they are living together then I just could not do it. When you make vows with someone, you owe them every opportunity to make it work. Then, if all of those attempts fail, then you owe it to them to leave before you begin anything else. That is my opinion. If someone met their man while he was still sharing a marital bed and both parties are fine with it, then get down how you live. For me, it’s unacceptable. 

    Post # 110
    Member
    2358 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    I didn’t read all the responses yet, but I have *this* to add

    No, BUT… as far as “once a cheater, always a cheater” goes, I’ve cheated a few times with past boyfriends.  My LONGEST relationship before this was 1 year.  ONE YEAR.  I’ve been with current boyfriend for 2.5 years and I COULD NOT FATHOM cheating on him.  I know why I cheated in the past and I’m not proud of it, but I’m not going to do it again!  With every single one of those guys I cheated on, I had this feeling that said, “I really like him BUT MAKE HIM GO AWAY.”

     

    THAT is why I was strangely compelled to cheat before.  I have never been happier nor more content in a relationship than I am now.

     

    Post # 111
    Member
    337 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @lifesaride:  

    i think your situation is different as they been separated for 2 years BEFORE you both started dating and they were not living together and papers were filed but ex wife would not sign them.so i dont see your relationship an affair 🙂 

    Post # 112
    Member
    543 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I had been with my current boyfriend for about two years when I met Fiance. Current boyfriend and I were on the outs and a break up was inevitable. However, I started seeing Fiance on the side before breakup was official with my boyfriend at the time. No one got hurt in the end since we were breaking up anyways and I ended up finding the man I am now marrying so no regrets!

    Post # 113
    Member
    3415 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014 - Lodge

    Nope both of us were single.  I had a friend with benefits at that time but when I met Fiance that ended.

    Post # 114
    Member
    326 posts
    Helper bee

    12%! Wow. I don’t think I would want to marry someone knowing the relationship began in an affair. Too afraid it would end in one.

    Post # 115
    Member
    199 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @jellybeangreen246:  I just want to say that I am sorry for all the negativity you are getting. No one knows your life or situation and some people are being far to quick to judge.

    Abuse towards men is ridiculously under reported and one of the reasons for this is because society cannot comprehend that a man can be abused by a women (either physically or emotionally). This is a situation that needs to change! If we continue to say that domestic abuse towards men is not the same as domestic abuse towards women it means police will continue to not take it seriously, and the men will continue to feel like they cannot get any help (plus the fact it doesn’t help with our fight for equality). It makes me so cross! If your husband was emotionally abused by his ex-wife I have so much respect for him being able to get out of the situation and that you gave him the help to do this.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Post # 116
    Member
    845 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2014

    @Hyperventilate:  My situation almost exactly. But Fiance and I were good friends, my relationship went pear-shaped – nothing to do with Fiance. I ended it and we started dating (hardly surprising, he was my very good friend and my relationship was TOXIC). I wasn’t dating him when I was with ex bf, I had ended the relationship.

    Post # 117
    Member
    43 posts
    Newbee

    I think people are way too eager to jump in and judge others for their choices in life. I totally agree with the whole ‘walk a mile in their shoes’ deal – you never know where they’re coming from or what they’ve been through, so just take a chill pill and concentrate on your own life. That said, if you’re happy with the decisions you’ve made, own it. Don’t make excuses as to why you made them to anyone.

    I know really good, honest people who have found happiness as the result of an affair, and I also know some real rat bastards who have done the same. I don’t think it’s a reflection on the person, honestly – I think there is just no black and white when it comes to matters of the heart. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have all grown up with overly romanticised stories of people like Helen of Troy and Paris, or Lancelot  and Guinevere. We all know what the moral thing to do is, but until you’re in that sitiuation, I don’t think you can judge anyone else – I know I can’t, and don’t. Love makes you crazy, sometimes. 

    But then again, this is the internet, so I suppose you also shouldn’t take some anonymous stranger’s criticisms to heart. 

    Post # 118
    Member
    7977 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    Like PPs, I do not think that relationships which start secretly and with lies have a good foundation. I also have no desire to complicate my life by involving myself in these relationships. I don’t have the time or the inclination. I like my life to be as simple as possible.

    Post # 119
    Member
    9094 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    @Flanders:  It was pretty much the same for me. My then boyfriend and were on the outs, had nothing to do with my husband, but he was the last nail in the coffin, so to speak. I broke it off with boyfriend and started dating husband pretty much immediately. I still talk to ex-boyfriend and he agreed that things were going south with us, so it ended mostly amicably.

    Post # 120
    Member
    9094 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    @RenoSweeney24:  I have to agree with the “Once a cheater is not always a cheater.”

    I cheated in high school on my then boyfriend. It was the dumbest mistake I’ve ever made and the pain it caused us both was unbearable (I still feel stupid over it.) It’s not a mistake I will ever repeat. I was a dumb kid and in the heat of the moment, things got away from me. A cheater won’t stay a cheater if they genuinely regret what they did.

    Post # 121
    Member
    1474 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    @anemonie: “I think there’s a huge difference between the Bees here who say that their relationships began when their SO was going through a separation or divorce and someone having an honest-to-God affair.”

    When both parties are knowingly secretly & lying & decieving towards the other person’s wife/husband (or SO) I think that is an entirely different situation and in fact an affair.

    If the SO has moved out/separated/divorcing “for years” and both spouses involved are aware then the relationship/marriage is clearly over and I would not necessarily classify this as an affair per se…even though technically the person may still be legally married…its such a grayish area. But, the main difference to me in diffrentiation is about honesty and full disclosure.

    I also want to second the notion that men can absolutely be subject to all kinds of abusive environments in their marriage, not just women, so their experiences should be equally important and validated.

    I honestly used to be judgemental, critical and closed minded about this very topic myself, but now I don’t think it necessarily matters how your relationship started as far as indications toward longevity, because the reality is that ALL relationships have a 50/50 chance of failing or succeeding no mater under what circumstances they were established.

    Life is crazy and real true honest to goodness love is really crazy, and sometimes you end up in situations you yourself never thought possible. If you never had to walk that line, good for you, count your blessings! Though I wouldn’t necessarily say its not a blessing to walk the line some of these bees have walked. I honestly believe sometimes things happen that we can’t understand or explain or control but that the reality of that is that it was meant to be that way for reasons beyond our own comprehension.  This world is a lot more complex than most of us can fathom.

    Bottom line is don’t judge what you don’t or can’t understand, period!

    @lifesaride: and Obx1008  and Birdee106 I agree with most of your sentiments, and I hope that you know better than to let anyone’s opinions about your specific situations make you feel inferior in the least.

    The topic ‘Did your current relationship start as an affair?’ is closed to new replies.

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