(Closed) Did your current relationship start as an affair?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Did your relationship start as an affair?
    Yes, on his part. : (31 votes)
    5 %
    Yes, on my part. : (70 votes)
    11 %
    Yes, we were both in a relationship. : (23 votes)
    4 %
    No. : (499 votes)
    77 %
    Not my current relationship, but a past one started as an affair. : (25 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 122
    Member
    474 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    @secretlyabee:  He was in a relationship. We were in high school and he was on the verge of being “on the outs” with his girlfriend. Who was an aquantance of mine (2 different high schools). Granted it was all high school drama but it counts. I was “helping him” talk to her during an argument. haha so evil. But 12 years later and were going to be married so I guess it worked out for the best!

    Post # 123
    Member
    237 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I was single for six years, and Fiance for two when we met, so I think we’re in the clear 🙂

    Post # 124
    Member
    1309 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    I agree with pps, there’s a big difference between someone who is in the drawn-out stages of divorce, vs. someone who is actually married and going behind their spouse’s back.

    The lying, for one thing. Why would you want to be with someone who lies?

    I’ve never been cheated on myself, but why do women do this to other women? “she is crazy” “his whole family thought their relationship sucked and likes me better” so? what? The answer for someone in an unhappy relationship is not to get into another, better relationship, the answer is to take the time to heal before choosing another partner. There is a LOT of damage to be worked through and often much of it predated the unhappy relationship itself. Women (and men) don’t choose bad or abusive partners by accident.

    The stats on the resulting post-affair marriages are not good, the “best,” least-scary one I’ve seen is a divorce rate of about 75%. Not because the cheating pattern returns. The cheating is often a expression of problems with self-esteem, maturity and impulsivity which the cheater didn’t have the opportunity to resolve before getting embroiled in a new romance.

    My mom always told me to find out from any guy I was dating what their “fidelity history” was, and if they had a cheating background, find out if there was at least any therapy going on or counseling. I’ve always followed that advice.

    Post # 125
    Member
    157 posts
    Blushing bee

    @lifesaride:  WTF? That’s a low blow and a ridiculous one at that. I’d rather have waited 6 years for a ring than have my relationship begin while he was still in theory committed to another woman. If a man would use me to cheat on his partner, I have ever reason to believe he’d cheat on me with another woman. If you are unhappy with a current partner, at least have the decency to end it with them before moving on to another woman. 

     

     

    Post # 126
    Member
    459 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2016

    Haha, I was totes in a relationship when SO and I started going on dates. It was kind of horrible actually. I was good friends with the jilted boyfriend for five years before we started dating. We dated for five months and it was the worst experience of my life. He did not support anything I wanted to do, he constantly criticized my body, and I was his first relationship, so he always called me his “practice”…I guess until he got a “real” girlfriend? He always talked about other women being more beautiful than me, and when I had an important commitment I absolutely COULD NOT get out of on the weekend of his military ball, he took another girl and texted me about how much he enjoyed slow dancing with her. One thing led to another, and I started going on secret dates with my current SO, who I had known for about a year. We went to a movie one night, and the same evil witch who my jilted ex took to his dance was there. Needless to say, she called him from the theater to give him the news and the cat was out of the bag.

    Honestly, cheating on that asshat was the best decision I ever made.

    Post # 127
    Member
    157 posts
    Blushing bee

    I agree that it is different if a divorce is being finalized. My best friend met her now Darling Husband when he was still legally married to his ex wife. I say legally because that was the only bind. He’s been seperated from his ex patner for 9 months and where we live, you have to be seperated for a full 12 months before you can file for divorce and in their case, it took a few months for the divorce to be finalized as they had to come to legally to settle their joint assets but with both of them having moved on with different partners after that 12 months, neither of them wanted to cause ‘trouble’ to make it go on longer and came to an agreement quickly and put it into motion. 

    I don’t think they are shitty people. He was upfront with her that he still had 3 months before he could file for divorce but for all other intents and purposes, they had mutually agreed the relationship was over and were just waiting for the legal end of the relationship to be tied up. He wished his ex wife no harm or ill will he just wasn’t in love with her anymore and their relationship had stopped working and he said he’d cooperate with her to settle it quickly when they hit 12 months and could file for it, but that’s the only contact he would have with her.

    To me, that is very different than a man being involved emotionally in a relationship and being involved wiht that partner and cheating on them with another. 

    A relationship can be well and truly over in the mind of both parties before the relationship can be legally ended. 

    Post # 128
    Member
    2358 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    @Magdalena:  While that is a “startling” statistic, that’s not considerably higher than the general divorce rate for second marriages.

    Post # 129
    Member
    751 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I was with an emotionally/physically/sexually abusive psycho when I first met Danny, and yes, I did cheat on him with Danny. I think I was just afraid to leave. I admitted it directly after it happened and my ex punched me in the face and spit on me, and then he pushed me down the stairs, got on top of me and put his hands around my throat. Whatever. Glad he’s gone, I don’t feel guilty for anything I did. I do wish I’d had the nerve to leave him earlier, but that’s just not how it panned out. I feel foolish for staying with someone like that for as long as I did. 

    Anyway, no real regrets, I’m happy and in love and I live in the here and now and not the past. 🙂 

    Post # 130
    Member
    79 posts
    Worker bee

    Nope, no affairs from either of us.

    Post # 131
    Member
    121 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    I have to give a bit of a background story cause I feel I’m gonna be judged if I don’t. I was dating the hottest guy I had ever been with, but I guess that’s beside the point. One time I stayed over at ex bf’s house to do some school work while he was out running errands. I had his computer and since I had I been cheated on I felt the need to go through his history. Well the first thing I found was that he was into tranny porn which made me sick. Then I found he was googling a particular name often, so of course I investigated a little deeper. Turns out, he was an escort. He had been sleeping with other women for money. At this point I was freaking out and not was pro capable of processing all of this information. Upon a deeper search with his escort name I stumbled upon a porno he had been in. Turns out ex-BF was getting fucked by another dude. I didnt’t know what to do. I felt like I couldn’t tell any of my friends or family because I felt they were going to judge me for being with him. So as the dumbass I was back then I stayed with him and didnt tell anyone anything. Fast forward to a couple of months he took a job as a contractor and left for Afghanistan. At that point I relocated to a new city and was lonely and vulnerable. Needless to say ex Boyfriend or Best Friend would tell me how I was such a little bitch for complaining all of the time about my situation. Anyways, I started talking to Fiance at that point and we had an affair. At first it was just me trying to have fun, but Fiance expressed his feelings for me and I decided to break things up with ex Boyfriend or Best Friend. 

    Post # 132
    Member
    339 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2016

    Yep. I was married when I started dating Fiance. The night I met her I knew that I was going to be with her. My ex and I were still living together but not really together as the relationship was shit for a while.

    Fiance knows what my relationship was like, the whole truth, because she’s heard it from the both my ex and I. We are all awesome friends now, things just didn’t work out in my marriage.

    To say “once a cheater, always a cheater” is unfair. Happy spouses don’t cheat, the desire to cheat has never once crossed my mind. I’ve found my person.

    Post # 133
    Member
    196 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I wouldn’t say it was necessarily an affair…but I was seeing someone else at the time my Fiance and I got together. With the other guy, it was a casual thing, in fact we barely went on dates, but I gradually noticed him becoming more and more controlling and horrible, and started to distance myself. He also told a number of people (behind my back) that we were really serious despite me wanting to keep things quiet until I knew what was going to come of the whole situation.

    In the midst of all this, Fiance and I got closer, drunkenly kissed one night and had our first date. At this point I’d had a huge argument with the other guy but not explicitly broken things off. I think he thought we’d start properly dating until Fi and I became official. At that point, he tried to make out that we were “in love” and I’d run away with Fiance. We’d been casually, non-exclusive dating for 6 weeks. Jesus.

    Post # 134
    Member
    335 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I think the closest I came to this was with my last ex “John”. Things were rocky with my bf at the time “Dave”, and we both were only in it because we wanted it to work out long term- not because we were good together. I went on a weekend trip with a fairly large group, without Dave, and met a guy (John) there I instantly connected with. All we did was talk- I wouldn’t give him my number, and the day after I got home I broke up with Dave. Dave actually met a girl 2 days later and they were engaged about 6 months later, and they’re married now.

    I came clean to John about two months in, once we were exclusive, and he was fine with it. It wasn’t ideal, but I did the best I could to not cross any boundaries. We ended up being together for two years, and the break up had nothing to do with infidelity.

    Post # 135
    Member
    2036 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @secretlyabee:  UGH.  I really don’t like this poll or question 🙁  I am here to support every bee though.  I personally, don’t like to share my SO with anyone.  I am just not someone who can 1) cheat on someone I’m with (even emotionally) 2) would start up a relationship with someone in a relationship with someone else.  

    You haven’t said what state you are in persey….but I will say this.  I was dating my SO 2 months, and I knew he had got out of a relationship with a woman who really wanted him to propose but he really didn’t want to marry her, and she was moving out of the state.  I caught them hanging out together one night in the bar, and it was OVER.  He explained, then got all of his friends to explain, and I guess the story really was that she had broke up with him thinking he would propose, he was relieved bc he wanted it to be over, and it was right before she moved out of the state.

    He graveled, apologized, and tried to tell me that he was afraid to tell me that he was hanging out with his ex because he knew I wouldn’t date him and he was into me.  And he was right-I wanted nothing to do with him bc of that.  HOWEVER, we worked through it and he helped me learn to trust him, now we live together and 3 years later we talk about marriage.  

    I have always been a believer in karma…If you get in a relationship with someone who is in a relationship and they are cheating….Can you REALLY trust that they won’t do it to you?  On the flip, if you are in a relationship and you were cheating…can you really ever expect the guy you cheated with and got into a relationship with to take you serious?  oh geez.  

    Good Luck.  We are here to support you!!  Hugs!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    Post # 136
    Member
    3400 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    I was in a long distance relationship (we had only been dating for about a month) when I met my Fiance. I could tell he liked me, and I definitely liked him back. A week after meeting my now Fiance, I broke up with my previous Boyfriend or Best Friend & that night was the first night my Fiance & I kissed. Before then, I suppose it could be said that I had an emotional affair, but I never actually overtly discussed romance with my now Fiance at that time, and we really didn’t cross too much of a line, I don’t feel. The single reason I waited to tell my then Boyfriend or Best Friend was because he lived in Israel & I couldn’t for the life of me get ahold of him, and a facebook message didn’t seem appropriate.

    Later, I found out that my ex had been doing drugs & frequenting strip clubs for lap dance (this was also about a year after he already went to drug rehab). It was a mess, and my Fiance is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

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