Did your friends act weird after your engagement?

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
2514 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

View original reply
meredith07 :  Several of your comments, and just the tone of this post make it sound like you think you’re better than your friends. I’m wondering if they are feeling the same way and that’s why the feel the need to make comments about their own potential engagement plans/career plans.

 

Post # 3
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

It could be that you’re coming off as superior and pleased with yourself to your friends and they’re feeling defensive because of that. Or it could just be another instance where weddings make people act crazy. When I got engaged, my best friend said, unprompted by anything I said, “Your wedding will never live up to mine so don’t stress about it.”

Post # 4
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee

My friends I don’t see much like to make thing of my ring when I see them, I don’t mind though it’s beautiful. I did have one close friend who got mad about it and jealous, there’s reasons and we talked and it’s all fine. It sounds to me like you have excited some of your friends and now they’re realizing they want it too, not a bad thing.

Post # 5
Member
5534 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

I agree with pp. sometimes we put off vibes that we aren’t aware of. You believe they are flailing about while you and your fiancé got where you are by luck and busting your asses

They could be picking up on how you feel about them

Post # 6
Member
273 posts
Helper bee

First off – I just want to say that categorizing your friends as “flailing” in their carriers because you do not think they are as successful as you and your fiance (from your point of view) is a bit off putting.  I am not sure if you intended but your post comes off as a bit holier than thou.

There is also an air of implied jealously which I think you may be creating out of nothing.  Girls, especially in serious relationships, talk about their future weddings and rings and proposals with each other.  As you are the first, your friends are probably very excited (as a good friend would be) and wish to share your excitement.  This is not weird at all.  And friends saying they are headed toward engagement but currently focusing on their careers is not pointed – its probably a very accurate discription of their situation.  You are dating a 30 year old doctor; as a 25 year old young professional fairly fresh out of college, it is fair to assume if you were dating someone your own age, and at the same career level as yourself , you would most likely be in the very same position.  

Your friends are not the one acting weird here.

Post # 7
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

I know my younger sis had this issue when she got engaged. All family members and some of her friends acted very strange. Even our older sister had the attitude of “why you, I should be married before all of you” attitude. 

Definitely unfair.

Yeah getting engaged can cause a whole bunch of certain feels from your friends. I know with my friends, they are no where near being in a solid relationship, much less engaged. When they ask how me and my SO are doing, i tell them about our plans for marriage and wedding planning, then they get all weird. And so i just let what im saying to them trail off. haha

Post # 8
Member
1536 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with previous posters in that some comments in your post are a bit off putting and your friends may be picking up on the vibe that you think you have your sh*t together and they are “flailing”. 

However, I have experienced weirdness from two friends when I got engaged. My one friend had been engaged for a while before I got engaged and had told me she had no wedding plans at all yet due to money, as soon as I announced my engagement she booked her wedding (within a matter of weeks) and has basically been complaining she has no money to pay for it ever since. I would like to think it’s a coincidence, however, she had made numerous comments prior to this about wanting to get married before a mutual friend of ours who had got engaged before her, so that leads me to believe it’s a competitive move as she wants to get in there first.

The other friend is more her friend than mine, but we all met up a week after I got engaged and both of them didn’t mention my engagement at all throughout the entire meal. At the end of the meal she said “Oh yeah you got engaged didn’t you and I didn’t get you anything, sorry I’m a bit shit and just didn’t think”. It was more the way she said it that seemed extremely false to me, but I have just felt like both of them have been “off” with me ever since and I have no idea why. The friend who is getting married literally avoids discussing anything wedding related with me since I got engaged (she was very open and we had a shared Pinterest board prior to my engagement), she’s refused to talk about her dress, make up, venue etc. despite me asking so I’ve given up. 

Post # 9
Member
3898 posts
Honey bee

 I have been engaged twice and this has not been my experience.  

Post # 10
Member
1631 posts
Bumble bee

Interesting that not only are you getting weird reactions from your friends, but super weird reactions from the bee’s on here. 

I don’t know what i am missing, but after reading your post I have zero feeling that you think you are holier than thou, or that you think you are better than them. I find that bee’s on here for some reason take OP’s words as the Bible. When bees come on here and say things bluntly, I don’t get mired down by how they say something as I give the OP the benefit of the doubt that she doesn’t actually say the things she says here to her friends faces. I assume that OP’s have a bit more tact than that. I assume that bee’s on here are asking for help but also venting. I think we need to stop reacting to posts as if we are the friends the OP is talking to. 

That being said. Engagements tend to bring out insecurities in other people. Marriage is a big life event and it does cause people to look at themselves and assess how they think they match up to where you are in life. We all compare ourselves to others constantly. It happens. I think that getting engaged is also a very built up thing so your friend that keeps talking about your rock is probably doing so because she assumes you want to talk about your engagement right now and she is trying to help you be excited and know that you can talk to her about it. Without more context of what else she is saying I think you should assume that people who are talking to you about your engagement and the details are simply trying to be supportive, and think they are obligated to discuss it just as they would any major event in your life, or the vacation you just got back from. 

When it comes to the friend who is suddenly all engagement talk? I sadly think that is normal too. Yes, it would be great if she had the self awareness to give you at least a small window to have it be about your actual real engagement instead of jumping in with her – as yet to be seen- engagement. But she doesn’t have the ability to do so. Not much you can do about it. Also it is normal for friends to discuss getting engaged with their friends, I do it with my friends who aren’t engaged yet and they enjoy talking to me about it. If those friends were also in the same boat as me and were waiting to be proposed to, I would fully expect them to talk to me about it. Yes I would expect us to have normal back and forth so that each of us got to speak about our situations equally. My coworker currently doesn’t have that ability. I get that can be hard. 

As for the old friends who have reached out to you and said congrats and then immediately shared how they are soon getting engaged too, but have been career focused. Their insecurity is showing. It is so blatantly obvious that you should just feel sorry for them. Happpy healthy people don’t feel the need to defend their life to people. Happy healthy people would reach out and say, Congrats!! So excited for your engagement, – insert past memory relevant to you getting engaged-. Then leave it at that. Instead they felt the need to give you excuses as to why they aren’t engaged yet as if you give two shits. Seriously?! How insecure and on the defense do you have to be about your relationship status that you go into offenseive mode, going around proactively telling people WHY you aren’t engaged yet but soon will be. REDICULOUS. I don’t feel the need to do that AT ALL. Just tell them you are happy for them and thank them for wishing you well. They reached out to you for their peace of mind, not because they actually care that you are engaged. Brush it off and don’t worry about it. 

You can only control yourself. Be as gracious as possible, give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and if you can’t stand having to hear your friend drone on about her non engagement than see her less often. 

Post # 12
Member
698 posts
Busy bee

I didn’t get the “holier than thou” thing… just to chime in. 

And I’m older – let’s just say over 35 – and I just got engaged, and I have experienced this with a few close friends who have been a bit competitive. It was never a personal thing- these couple of friends are just self-focused in general, and continually bringing any story or circumstance back to themselves. So that could be a factor, here –

or another possibility: one of my closest friends has always longed for marriage. It’s just been the thing she focuses on, going through relationships just trying to find that man. I COMPLETELY empathize w/ her- I do not know how to word this observation of her in a way that makes it clear I’m not judging her- 

so my engagement was a sort of trigger. She’s happy for me, but at the same time there’s so much grief and longing behind her congratulations, it feels much like what you’ve written here. 

Maybe sometimes people are simply reminded of what they want most. Jealousy is a signpost to show us what we wish, yeah?

or maybe they’re just self absorbed and feel a little uncomfortable when the conversation isn’t about them. 

 

As for the friends who only want to talk wedding stuff, well, maybe to them that’s the idea of being a good friend, as this is a momentous occasion in your life 🙂 

 

yep, bee, it’s weird. Any way you slice it, introducing engagement into a community where everyone had their roles, is going to shake things up and have people trying to figure out the new normal. It’s how we move societally – we all have our agreed upon roles and patterns that work together (even in dysfunction, there is subconscious agreement) that’s why it’s so very difficult to make changes. 

Engagement and upcoming marriage is a big change for everyone 🙂 

 

ETA: Just read your update. Why not just say that you want to talk about things that aren’t wedding related, and change the subject? I think people might understand. 

Post # 13
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
meredith07 :  When I first became engage (also in Dec) I had coworkers asking lots of questions for the first few weeks, but I barely get asked about it now. I read your post a couple of times, and it sounds like they’re excited for you, and probably assume it would be rude not to bring it up. Just change the subject and say, “Enough about me. What’s new with you?” As for the friend who bombards you with her wedding plans, you’re probably the only other engaged person she knows, so you’re fun to bounce ideas off of. As for the friend who pointed out she’s too focused on her career, my only thought is she may be waiting on a ring, and fiancé has yet to propose, so that’s an answer she automatically gives everyone. Kind of strange she would make that comment if you didn’t ask her when her boyfriend was going to propose. It may come from a place of being insecure in where she stands with her boyfriend—or not. Just speculation. 

Post # 14
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

I’m one of the last of my friends to get married.  Most of my friends have been super excited and supportive.  But I do have one single friend and I didn’t even get a congratulations from her.  And if other friends ask me anything about the wedding in front of her, she tells them that I just got engaged and there’s no rush for me to plan anything yet and changes the subject.  I have just completely avoided the subject around her.  At least your friends are trying to be supportive, even if it seems to be excessive.  I’d just ask them about whatever they have going on in their life.   

Post # 15
Member
1708 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Seems like maybe you’re just lucky to be marrying somebody older and/or having somebody else pay for the wedding and/or having something small…

People don’t always react well if they feel jealous or left behind. That said, usually some reassurance resolves any issues or concerns. 

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