Post # 16
I’m trying to be as objective here as I can because I feel like people here tend to like to attack each other on here for fun.
I don’t think you mean to but you sound a little selfish. Try to remember that even though it’s “your time” when you get engaged that you are not the only person who will get engaged. It’s a pretty common right of passage in life.
You are basically coming in here and saying it’s “weird” that people are praising your engagement, your ring…and trying to start conversation about marriage. Maybe the last one is a little weird and the girl is just a bit insecure but your other friends just seem happy for you.
You will get married and that’s the social high point and then people won’t care much about it anymore, they will move on to the next person in the group getting married and prasie her. So maybe enjoy some of the attention and kindness people are showing you? It’s a fleeting thing. Soak it up!
Post # 17
- Wedding: August 2019 - New England
I’m not saying this as an attack, but I have to be honest and say that something about your post really rubs me the wrong way. It’s hard to put a finger on it exactly, but it just comes across as a big, giant humblebrag. As I read it, I almost felt like you were posting with the hopes that we would validate your feelings that all of your friends are jealous of your engagement and your amazing life. I could be totally off-base here, but that’s just how it comes to me (a random internet stranger).
I, personally, don’t think that most of the things you related here are that odd or strange. I think you’re just reading into them too much. Also, if you really don’t want to talk about wedding stuff anymore, all you have to do is say is that it’s going well but you need a break from talking about weddings.
I think you just take in introspective look and see if it’s possible that you’re coming across as superior or condescending to some of your friends. Not saying you are doing so intentionally, but the tone of your post makes me wonder if you’re doing it without even realizing it.
Post # 18
I’m almost the last in my friend group to get married, so I see it from their side. It’s super weird when the ball starts rolling…and it’s likely that, even if you’re the first in your friend group, that they have other friends/family getting married too. It’s just the thing that starts happening in your mid-twenties.
And frankly, it’s super weird to all of a sudden see your friends taking these big adult steps like marriage and houses and babies. I landed a tenure track faculty position at 26, which was a big adulty deal, so I definitely wasn’t flailing (and I’ve since taken a big pay cut for a job I like more, ha, so I’m flailing more now!) but I still didn’t really think “holy crap, it’s all happening” until my friends started getting married. It’s weird to navigate friendships when one person is moving on to another stage of life, so try to have a little grace about it.
As for my friends, it’s just as weird being among the last to marry. My two best friends got married a week apart…one tells me constantly how EVERYTHING radically changes when you get married, the other says nothing has changed and their schedules are so busy now that they see each other less than while dating. I think that people are just sort of weird in general.
Post # 19
I didn’t get the holier than thou vibe – if anything you sound quite humble.
I too was the first in some friendship groups to get engaged and married and I got weirdness too, much as you’ve described. Some people obsessed over it, and some people who I’m close to didn’t even congratulate me.
On the flip side I really want to buy a house and have a baby and while were working towards it, we aren’t there yet. I find myself getting weird when friends hit these milestones. I’m conscious of it and try to not behave strangely, but even trying not to act weird probably leaves me acting a bit weird if that makes sense!
I think there’s a potential for a lot of emotions when friends and family hit any milestone. The good news is, for the most part, it does pass once it’s “old news”
Post # 20
I have not had this experience at all since getting engaged in November. I am the 3rd of my circle to get engaged (1 is already married, the other is getting married next month). Even my girlfriends who I know wish they were engaged by now (and have admitted they feel envious – not in any sort of malicious way though, I must emphasise) have been absolutely wonderful, supportive and excited for me.
I also got a ‘holier than thou’ vibe from you first post. I’m not saying that it is accurate, but it is how I interpreted it, so realistically that is also how your friends may intepret you as well (regardless of whether it is true or not). Maybe just try to be mindful of that.
I don’t see why you can’t just TELL your friends you’d like to discuss something else. If they are your friends then surely that won’t cause a problem?
Post # 21
Well, sorry, but I’m in the group that saw your post as a humblebrag.
Busting your ass doesn’t guarantee anything. I think so much in life involves luck. Your Fiance happens to have a good, high paying job. You happened to land a good job out of college. To call your friends “flailing” is condescending, even if it’s a term they used to describe themselves. You don’t have to go along with it. Instead, acknowledge that you’ve been very lucky. So please pay more attention to how you’re coming across.
To answer your question, when the first of my friends got engaged, we all did jump on the wedding talk bandwagon. It was exciting to see someone close to us move to the next step, so to speak. I remember thinking, holy crap, we really are adults now! I know I talked about what I wanted my own wedding to look like with her. And she was very gracious in letting us “share” her moment.
I was the last of my friends to get married. I was engaged previously and broke that engagement and a couple of my friends got married in between that broken engagement and me getting engaged again. By the time I got married a couple of my friends had kids so they were in a different phase of their life than me, so while they didn’t act “weird” in the sense that they talked about weddings a lot, they were still really excited for me because they had all seen what I went through with my previous relationships.
If you’re burned out on wedding talk, just say you’d rather talk about something else and change the subject. But I don’t really think your friends are being weird, it’s just entering a different phase of life.
Post # 22
Yeah I understand how it can be interpreted as thinking I’m “holier” but I really don’t think I’m selfish and I’m definitely not of the mindset that I’m superior in any way, nor am I ever making my wedding out to be a big deal. I’m actually a bit overwhelmed at the prospect of a big wedding with lots of attention on me, and I’d be overjoyed to see my friends get engaged during this time and shift the focus to them. I’m helping my one friend’s boyfriend plan his proposal to her this summer, and I’ll be a bridesmaid in her wedding happily planning it alongside her whether she decides to have it before or after my wedding.
You can probably go in a lot of directions if you read too deeply between the lines of this, but at face value: I got engaged, and now my friends act a little strange, and it seems like it might be coming from personal insecurities that they are projecting onto the situation of me getting married and I just want to know how to properly address it and ensure everyone feels comfortable and happy as we look forward to a wedding that they will all be involved in, because I want them to be able to enjoy the process with me without anyone feeling uncomfortable.
I watched older cousins of mine have a falling out because one got married and one felt jealous because she really wanted to be getting married, and the one having the wedding was so blissfully unaware and *so* all about herself and her wedding that I think it just hurt the other one more. I think it is good to be aware that when things like this start happening, people sometimes get a little in their feelings about it, and to take steps to minimize any bad feelings. I think being able to step back and look at a situation from all angles and try and make sure everyone is as comfortable as possible is a good communication tool (or maybe it is just my enneagram type 9 obsession with keeping the peace talking y’all, who knows).
(Also side note for clarity re: comments on here about how I’m lucky to be marrying someone older or having someone pay for my wedding — our salaries are pretty even right now as my partner pursues further training at work and we’re splitting the cost of the wedding evenly between the two of us, no help from family, unfortunately, although I’d love that!)
Post # 23
meredith07 : honestly, still even now you sound a bit condescending. They have personal insecurities that they are projecting onto the situation because you’re getting married? And you don’t want them to be uncomfortable? I feel like you’re reading too much into their behavior. You said it yourself, you’re the first to get engaged in your group of friends so all of this is new to them and new to you. And yes having a friend of yours get engaged makes you think about your own engagement and eventual wedding. Probably commenting on your ring is your friends way of complimenting you and trying to make you feel special and good, I don’t know why you would think it would be from insecurities or uncomfortableness.
Post # 24
I think you might be over thinking/over analyzing all of the comments that you’ve gotten from your friends? I would just tell them you’re over the wedding talk.
When I got engaged and was planning a wedding my friends would frequently ask me about my planning and they’d comment on what they had done with theirs or want to do with their future wedding. I would just assume (I never thought about it at the time because it didn’t seem weird or strange) they were trying to be nice and show interest in a huge life event, and that talking about my wedding got them excited about their future wedding.
I guess I’m just surprised at how many of the bees think your friends are insecure and jealous based on the behavior you’ve described, and how many have ended friendships for similar reasons (there was another thread onthis).
Post # 25
meredith07 : Yes! One of my closest and dearest friends who is a seriously amazing woman got very snarky. She made a lot of shade throwing type comments about us/our life. Shes good friends with us both so that hurt. I let them slide and didnt engage. They didnt last too long and things seem to be back to normal.
Everyone has stupid ideas of how things are supposed to be. Shes a successful and accomplished person who is super fun and a great friend… but shes a little overweight and not very girly. I think she has some insecurity issues that caused that reaction…. Like Im a single mom and I “caught” this responsible, smart, sexy (hes a body builder), man who is an amazing dad and partner to me. I think in some ways she felt like I didnt deserve it, or maybe she deserved it more bc she hasnt been divorced, whatever. She and my fiance have a lot of the same nerdy interests and I know she finds him attractive.
Its a weird thing. If they are a true friend with a good heart, it should pass. if they are a casual friend or mean spirited… maybe back away from that person.
Post # 26
Honestly? If you’re the first in your social group to get married, it is entirely possible, and probably the case, that your friends aren’t entirely sure how to handle this shift in the social dynamic.
Sure, the fact that you are getting married doesn’t really change anything, but it does signal the shift into a new stage of life that your friends may or may not feel they are at yet, and they’re basically feeling their way along trying to figure out how to relate.
Your friends making the comments about when they will get married or the friend who keeps talking about your ring and your wedding, they’re probably just trying to relate to you. Suddenly there is this new and different experience that you are going through that they have not yet had or thought much about and they’re not sure how much it might change your friendships, or how it might change the things you are interested in and want to talk about, or even how you view them.
I’d say just try to keep this all in mind and do your best to make sure that you don’t dominate conversations with wedding talk, that you make a conscious effort to ensure your friends feel valued and important so they can stop worrying about whether the friendship is going to change, and try to just be casual about wedding talk in general.
When your friend keeps bringing up your ring and wedding, laugh it off and change the subject or ask her what’s new with her, etc. When your other friends talk about their impending and not so impending engagements, be supportive and show interest in their relationships and lives.
Post # 27
- Wedding: June 2019 - City, State
I am in the same exact boat as you ahah. Not in terms of my friends saying it’s super weird or anything but moreso they felt like wowwwwwww like it just was a big thing to them. I think a part of why that may be is because it makes them reflect in their own life like I am the same age, where am I in life or I am also in a long relationship, where are we progressing, etc. So I would not say they reacted weirdly to mine but more so they felt like wow … You are getting married early on (even though I am also 25 and that is not exactly early but for millennials it is. ) Basically it may not be that they think it is weird that you are getting married but maybe it just makes them think more about their own life.