Post # 17
That would have been impossible, because I would not have married anyone who asked my father for permission. It would have implied a lack of respect for me:
- No one thinks the groom needs permission of his own parents to propose. So why is the bride seen as less capable of making her own decisions on the matter?
- If asking is a matter of “respect,” why is the groom supposed to ask the father, not the mother? That implies a lack of respect for women generally that would be disastrous in a marriage.
“Old fashioned values” are all very well. But let’s not forget that being able to sell your daughter into slavery, or demand a dowry before she is allowed to get married, is also an “old fashioned value.” We really have to look at the origin and implications of traditions, not just follow them because they are old fashioned.
Post # 18
I specifically told my then-boyfriend to not ask for my dad’s permission/blessing because it’s not my dad’s decision who I choose to marry. If my parents didn’t like my Fiance, I would have known about it long before we decided to get engaged.
That said, I have a great relationship with both my parents – we talk all the time and I see them about once a week or so. I think my dad was a little bummed when my Fiance didn’t ask permission, but he knows how I feel about it so he got over it quickly.
Post # 19
He tried, though. My parents wouldn’t answer the phone (We’re 1,200 miles away from my family.)
My father would have shook his head and told him the only person he needs to be asking is me.
I’m not cattle. My SO did not need permission to marry me.
Post # 20
@crisy003: No, he didn’t. For two reasons,
A) My dad thinks the idea is absolutely silly and rooted in the sexist tradition of an unmarried woman being the property of her father, and then moving on to become the property of her (future) husband. He told me that when he was proposed to my mom he was “forced” into asking my grandpa for his permission (that was back in 1980 so was probably still expected then), and then subsequently grilled about why he did not present a diamond ring at that time.
B) By the time FH proposed to me, we had already been together for 3 1/2 years at that point. He was pretty much already part of my family and nobody would have been shocked that we decided to get married. In fact, they were expecting it.
FH also thinks the idea is silly and I didn’t even have to tell him not to ask my father.
Post # 21
Mine did! I found it very unexpected and so sweet.
Post # 22
- Wedding: September 2014 - Banff, Alberta
My biological father isn’t in the picture anymore but FH asked my mom, my step dad and my little brother. It was very sweet. My little brother teared up and got all serious.
Post # 23
My Fiance wanted to ask my dad, I did not. As I told him, I’m a grown ass woman and I don’t need anyone’s permission to marry.
We compromised. He could ask my dad for his blessings, but if he said ONE single word about getting permission, I’d get irritated.
Dad just asked him if I was pregnant….
Post # 24
No. I would have considered it somehow like an insult to me. I am an independant woman and I can make my own choices. That’s how I was raised. I am not depending on my parents anymore. Fiance and I decided together that we wanted to marry, and we announced it to our parents. I already knew my parents liked him a lot, so I knew they would be happy about the news (and they were).
Post # 25
Yep. Dad is southern and paying for the wedding. Plus it was sweet. However, after that my entire side of the family knew I was getting married and my SO and I were not planning on announcing right then. A few days later we went down south to get my Grand daddy’s blessing as well since he is in hospice and it was a bit important to both my dad and I that my SO meet him.
Post # 26
- Wedding: October 2014 - Legare Waring House
1. He knew my parents and knew they trust me to make my own decisions, as PPs have pointed out that they should.
2. He ended up proposing in front of them…so I guess any issues would have been pretty evident at that point, no?
Post # 27
@crisy003: My SO knows I’d like him to. I mean, it’s kind of silly since we already have his “blessing”. He is really happy that SO is so good to me and assumes we’ll get married. But Dad’s a sentimental guy with two daughters. My sister’s Boyfriend or Best Friend came to talk to us after sis got pregnant and sort of asked…. but he was super nervous and it wasn’t really his intention to ask for her hand and they don’t actually plan to marry anytime soon… so that experience was kind of botched. My SO “asking” Dad is Dad’s last opprotunity, so I want him to have it. I think it’s all silly & symbolic, but not any different than Dad walking me down the aisle to “give me away” or me wearing white (cause, ain’t no one believing THAT).
Post # 28
No. In fact, my Father said beforehand that if Darling Husband needed to ask, his answer would be “no”. This was because he wanted my future husband to put my wishes and wellbeing above the wishes and wellbeing of my family.
That said… I respect my father a great deal, and if he had given me a good reason why I should not marry Darling Husband then I would have given it serious thought, because I regard him as a man of great common sense.
Post # 29
@MexiPino: The dad walking the bride down the aisle bugs me, too. In my first marriage, both of my parents walked me down the aisle, and both of the groom’s parents walked him down the aisle. In my second, my wife and I walked together.
As for wearing white, the tradition has nothing to do with virginity. It was started by Queen Victoria, and was a symbol of wealth. (Since white is such an impractical color, especially before modern cleaning methods were developed, it indicated that you could afford to buy a dress for just one day, instead of wearing something you already owned and/or could wear again.) I’m not thrilled with that tradition, either, but at least it is not as sexist as the others.
Post # 30
Mine didn’t, although I think it would have been cool if he did.
Why not – I’m not exactly sure as I’ve never asked him. Probably mostly because he’s not formal or old fashioned at all and he’s super uncomfortable talking about feelings. Plus we’re grown up. Plus my dad has been bugging him about when we are going to get married for ages.
Post # 31
I’m pretty sure he already has, but I can’t confirm. It’s important to my mum of all people. (My Dad didn’t ask her father, and she didn’t mind that, so I don’t totally understand why it matters to her so much.)
He won’t/wasn’t asking for permission from either of them. But he did ask for their blessing. And I think he likes that everyone knows about the proposal except me.
It’s really my sister you need to consult anyways, she’s the very opinionated one in the family (haha, ok, not the *only* opinionated one) and she adores him. She’s also in on it all and they enjoy keeping me in the dark. She’s never liked any of my previous boyfriends, so she definitely has given her blessing.
I had a chat not long ago with my Dad about my SO coming to speak with him. My Dad joked that his response was going to be “For the love of God, please, take her!”