(Closed) Did your SO/FI/DH ask permission for your hand?

posted 11 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Did your SO/FI/DH ask permission for your hand in marraige?

    Yes

    No

  • Post # 77
    Member
    1925 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Only because I was 15 when we decided we wanted to get married thats when he asked =) 

    Post # 78
    Member
    141 posts
    Blushing bee

    My Fiance took both my parents out for dinner… I was pleasantly surprised ๐Ÿ™‚ 

    Post # 79
    Member
    4831 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    My Fiance called my dad and asked him. My dad is very old fashioned and I told my Fiance he was.

    My Fiance called him the morning before he proposed (he knew my dad would tell my mom and my mom would spill the beans).

    I meant so much to me and even more to my dad that he asked his blessing.

    What can I say, I’m daddy’s little girl.

    Post # 81
    Member
    2896 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @Oribel013690: I agree the permission thing is very strange to me, ladies are not property and your husband-to-be should respect your wishes regarding asking for permission. My Fiance spent time with all of these important people not asking for me (because I’m no one’s to give) but rather thanking them for helping raise me to be who I am and who he fell in love with. I feel that shows great respect for them, and for me, since he is honoring people I love.

    To clarify, I am not upset, as I know that was not the purpose of your post. However, I did hope to show that there are ways that this ‘tradition’ can evolve to be less sexist, more respectful, and can further equality and independence by recognizing the individuals we are and showing appreciation for that. I know that I thanked FI’s family after our engagement as well, for raising such a kind, compassionate, and intelligent man. 

    Post # 82
    Member
    362 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

    no, he didn’t.  we got married withouth anyone knowing!  my parents hardly even knew i was dating someone when i called them up to tell them i was married (which they thought was a joke at first)

    Post # 83
    Member
    1595 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    My Fiance called and gave my dad a heads up, but did not ask for his permission or even blessing.

    Post # 84
    Member
    385 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    My Fiance didn’t ask my father. There is language barrier, plus we don’t live close to my parents and I don’t think my Fiance has my dad phone number.

    I don’t understand the concept of asking the father for the daughter hand. The way I see it, if Fiance asks and father says no, I would marry him anyway; hence pointless to ask. Luckily everyone in my family likes Fiance, so no issues here ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 85
    Member
    42 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    @Oribel013690: I can see your point of view, but for some people (like me) asking permission is respecting me by honoring the relationship I have with my father. I think to say it is extremely outdated is a little bit of a stretch considering how many bees have responded that they wanted their Fiance to. But I understand you are entitled to your opinion just as I am entitled to mine. 

    Also I would disagree with you that it asking for permission or blessing is sexist. I feel blessed to have a SO that wants to ask my parents for their blessing/permission (in my mind it is the same thing). Even though I know he is going to ask my parents and my parents know he is going to talk to them I think both my mom and dad really appreciate that he wants to talk with them before proposing. 

    I would also say in some cases religion has some role in asking for their blessing/permission. My SO and I are Christian and there is scripture about honoring ones parents (Exodus 20:12, Ephesians 6:1-3) and leaving ones parents to join together as man and wife (Genesis 2:24). Because of these beliefs it is very common for men to ask their future wife’s parents for their blessing/permission to show honor. Also, the father is the man in the daughter’s life (hopefully) that is there throughout her life to keep her safe, support her, protect her and just be there for her. With a proposal the Fiance is now saying I am going to take on those roles that the father once had.  I realize this may not be your belief, but it is for some people and it is a way of honoring and respecting both the parents and the future bride. 

    Lastly, I don’t feel like this in anyway takes away from my independence, freedom or equality. It is a reflection of how my SO and I want to start our lives together, with mutual respect between my parents and us. But I respect your opinions and hope that you can see the other point of view and respect those opinions as well. 

    Sorry that was so long! I guess I had a lot to say on the topic Smile

    Post # 86
    Member
    2126 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 1992

    Erm, I’ve writted a blog post about this, but my fiance asked my stepdad for my hand EIGHT months before the proposal, and my mom susequently spilled the beans. He also asked my dad, but the day of the proposal.

    Post # 87
    Member
    198 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Real quick question, what in the world does Fiance mean??

    My fiance definitely did not ask. We had talked about it way before any proposal was in the works, and he told me he would never do that because he feels that I’m not property of my father, it’s not like he’s asking to take some cattle or a pig! Plus, for the past year my fiance and I have lived together with our “children” (a Boston Terrier and a Boxer).

    I told him that was great because I feel the same way. I said I am the only one who can give him permission to marry me. Well, me, and our two puppy dogs. ๐Ÿ™‚ If they’re cool with it, I’m cool with it.

    We also don’t like the “Who gives this bride away?” line in the ceremony. We’ll have to find some alternative wording for it.

    I think it’s totally fine and sweet for other people to do it, as long as the guy and girl BOTH feel the same way about the tradition. I would never have tried to force him to ask my dad if I knew he was so against it.

    Post # 88
    Member
    81 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Fiance did they same as some PP’s. He didn’t ask for permission, but did want my parents blessing. It made me very happy to know he did it. I have a good relationship with my parents so them approving was important to both of us.

    Edit: Just finished reading the other replies, and I would disagree that the practice is sexist or controlling. He still has to ask you. That is where you independence is, it doesn’t matter if your Fiance asks your parents and they say yes, if you say no, you don’t have to marry him. I think the disrespect comes from a time where the bride would have been given no choice after her parents were asked. But that isn’t the world anymore, well in this hemisphere mostly. I’m not sure why people would be angry if he did ask ones parents, unless you have some horrible relationship or something, again, you dont have to say yes when he asks you so I don’t know why having your family good with the plan is bad. But that is just me, I’m fairly traditional/conservative, depending on who you compare me to. Sorry, long! I’m just thinking out loud.

    Post # 89
    Member
    1373 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    He did, though I kind of didn’t want him to (I think it’s weirdly traditional and sexist).  My Dad knows his daughter well and had an awesome reaction – he laughed his ass off and told my fiance “why are you asking me – she does what she wants!”  I think he was somewhat confused and somewhat touched by it.

    I think we were doing it more as a heads up that we were getting engaged because we were seeing his family a few days before we saw mine so this way it made up for not being able to tell my parents in person.

    Post # 90
    Member
    711 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    We made a joint decision to “make it official” over time, so there was no proposal event to precede with a permission asking.  Since we see marriage very much as a statement about being a family, we did want the blessing of both of our parents, so together, we both called them and broke the news.  

    I think the statements about it being sexist aren’t about the blessing part so much as the one-sided nature of it…that the guys asks the girls parents and not the other way around.  

    If you live your life like a strong, independent person, giving your papa and Fiance their bit of wedding-planning buzz (we get most of it the rest of time) by honoring this tradition isn’t going to destroy the gains made by the progressive women that fought for all that we can do, IMO.  It’s still not for me though.

    Post # 91
    Member
    318 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    My Fiance asked my dad for permission.  Both Fiance and My dad are very quiet so the conversation went like this Fiance: “I like the new quad you bought”  Dad: “yes its been really helpful with building the fence”  Fiance “I want to ask your daughter to marry me”  Dad “oh, um, yes that would be good.”  Walk back to house.
    My dad was very worried he did it wrong, he kept saying “I didn’t know he would ask, I don’t think I said the right thing.  If I had known I would have had something better to say”.  Fiance said he was much much more nervous to ask my dad than he was to ask me.

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