(Closed) Did your SO/FI/DH ask permission for your hand?

posted 11 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Did your SO/FI/DH ask permission for your hand in marraige?

    Yes

    No

  • Post # 92
    Member
    1557 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    If you mean he asked “permission” by asking me to marry him (aka proposing) then yes.

    If you mean did he ask my parents if it was okay? No, absolutely not.

    We aren’t old-fashioned like that and we had already had a son together by the time he proposed, so yeah, I think asking ‘permission’ would be a little moot since he was already ‘getting the milk for free’ if you kwim.

    Post # 93
    Member
    1135 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    My fiance “asked my parents” earlier on that day. I was on a trip visiting friends and was returning home that evening. My dad told me later that my Fiance basically said ” I plan on asking ______  to marry me tonight… hope that’s okay”.

     

    Post # 94
    Member
    318 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    Ok I hope this isn’t threadjacking but I have to ask the bees that find asking for permission/ blessing offensive, if they plan to have their dad or someone walk them down the aisle? I think of those two things as pretty similar in idea.  

    Post # 95
    Member
    2584 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    My Fiance has never met my father because I think I’ve seen him maybe once or twice since Fiance and I have been together.  I’m not sure if he would have asked my father if we had a good relationship though.

    Post # 96
    Member
    1373 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @Melini:  We did the same no-proposal thing.  When he called my dad, I was sitting in the other room listening and then got on the phone afterwards – I think at that point my dad was still pretty confused by the whole asking thing.

    View original reply
    @Snowy414:  I’m not that offended by it – if I were seriously bothered I wouldn’t let him do it, but I wanted to answer since I’m actually not having my dad walk me down that aisle for that reason.  I love my dad and we’re really close, but I don’t find him walking me down the aisle appropriate unless my fiance is also walking in with his parents (actually pretty typical in our crowd).  We decided to bag the whole thing, though, and walk in together which I think is perfect!

    Post # 97
    Member
    881 posts
    Busy bee

    I do find it offensive as the purpose of it is that you are property and he wants to have said property so is asking the current owner if he can now have the property.  So even though you may have changed the meaning to yourself or subscribe a different meaning to the tradition, that’s what it actually is.  So I find that offensive.  I’m also not religious, so I don’t believe that my husband is going to be my new Dad and don’t want the torch passed in that manner. 

    I guess, for me, I find that we honor our parents all the time and show respect to each others families every time we see/talk to each other.  Plus, we’re always both telling them what a wonderful job they did raising each of us so I guess we don’t see a need to do a kind of song and dance for the proposal.  Plus, we’ve been together for a long time so we already know that we have their blessing for our relationship.   

    @Snowy414:

    If my Dad wants to walk with me or my Mom does I’m totally fine with that.  I don’t think it’s sexist at all.  What does put a horrible taste in my mouth and I find super offensive is asking ‘who gives this woman away’ as if again, you are a thing to give.  That question will not be asked at my wedding – I’d just skip it.

    Post # 98
    Member
    2128 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    Fiance asked for my dad’s blessing. It was by phone though because we rarely see my parents. I think my dad was in shock.

    Post # 99
    Member
    228 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2009
    Post # 100
    Member
    2128 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    Fiance asked for his parents blessing as well. It made it super exciting because after we got engaged there were two sets of parents waiting in anticipation to hear the great news!

    Post # 101
    Member
    228 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    I was 34 when I got engaged and my then boyfriend asked my Dad, I thought it was very sweet!

    Post # 102
    Member
    606 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2009

    I told him not to.  It would weird me out.  And I think it would have weirded my dad out too–it wasn’t his permission to give.  He called my parents on the day of the proposal to let them know it was happening, but they didn’t pick up, and he didn’t worry about it too much.  The proposal was between him and me.

    Post # 103
    Member
    606 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2009

    @Snowy414: I just saw your question and wanted to respond.  Asking my father’s permission is in no way the same as me having my dad walk me down the aisle.  Asking my dad’s permission implies that I am not an adult capable of making my own decisions and that I am somehow my father’s property to be handed off in marriage.  It implies that it’s my father’s decision to make, not mine, and my now-husband’s.

    My father walking me down the aisle was an honor that I gave to the man who raised me.  Who I love very deeply, and who has loved me unconditionally since before I was born.  He did not give me away.  He was symbolically and quite literally supporting me as I walked toward the next big step in my life.  It’s very, very different.

    Post # 104
    Member
    1012 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I’m not engaged yet, but I have to say I’d be incredibly insulted if he asked my dad’s permission. I’m a grown woman, SO is a grown man, we can make our own decisions about who we marry regardless of my dad’s (or any of our parents’) opinions. I’m no one’s to “give away”, and SO doesn’t have to bargain with a dowry to win my dad over, so no.

    I do have a terrible relatioship with my dad, but even if SO asked, say, my grandma (with whom I’m extremely close), I’d still be insulted.

    Post # 106
    Member
    1337 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    @Snowy414: I agree with @LuckyPrincess about the meaning. It still calls back to being the property of some other man, IMO.

    My dad walked me down the aisle, but the Officiant did not ask “who gives this woman away” or anything (he didn’t say anything at all when I got to them). My dad hugged me when we got to the end of the aisle. My dad thinks asking permission is offensive and sexist, and he thinks “giving me away” is offensive and sexist. I agree with my dad. Neither of us had issue with him walking with me down the aisle though: as an escort down the aisle rather than to “give me away”, if that makes sense.

    To honor our parents we had the following statement at the bottom of the program:
    Thank you, family and friends, for joining us today as we make public the private promises we’ve made to each other. We would especially like to thank our parents, who constantly continue to teach us by example not only how to be better individuals, but how to be better partners to each other.

    Me, my husband, and my mom and dad just don’t feel that asking permission honors or respects me, or my dad. Just the way we roll, I guess.

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