Post # 1
Had lunch with a colleague yesterday, and the topic of weddings came up because her sister is getting married. BIG DRAMA — so I figured I’d get the Bees’ perspective. (Identifying details obscured to protect everyone’s privacy.)
One of her older sisters is getting married, and is having a small ceremony (~40 people) out where they live on the West Coast. The wedding’s small both for financial reasons (they’re paying) and because that’s just the way she’d prefer it. Now, my friend’s younger sister got married within the past two years or so, and from what my friend said, that wedding was HUGE. Younger Sis and her Darling Husband both have reasonably high-powered jobs and invited lots of colleagues, the parents contributed, etc.
That wedding weekend was basically the first and only time that Older Sister had ever met or spent any time with Younger Sister’s in-laws. They seemed like nice people and all that, but obviously building that relationship was not a big priority for the day.
Fast forward to now…and Younger Sister’s husband and his family are FREAKING OUT because his parents and sibs aren’t invited to Older Sister’s 40-person wedding across the country from where they live. Never mind that none of the other sibs’ in-laws are invited. This is apparently the rudest thing that’s ever happened to them. Nasty text messages, angry phone calls to my friend’s mom…totally weird stuff.
I think we can all agree that demanding an invitation to someone’s wedding is pretty rude. But I wanted to get a sense of how usual or unusual it was not to invite your sibs’ in-laws. FWIW, we’re inviting one set, because we’re close to them, but not the other set because we’ve barely met them and they live far away. No drama about that so far though — whew!
[Edited to add: Younger Sister is just as confused as everyone else about why her Darling Husband and his fam are so set on this. It’s actually causing a fair amount of strain in their marriage, according to my friend — which just adds a whole other layer of unnecessary drama to this. Yuck.]
Post # 3
Not common at all in my circle. I would never expect my in laws to be invited to either one of my sisters’ weddings.
Post # 4
It would really depend on the relationship.
For example, I have one sibling and my Darling Husband also has one sibling, neither are married so we haven’t encountered this yet but I would have probably invited their in-laws just because we’re a close family and had a fairly good sized wedding.
However, if there is no relationship and it is a small wedding, it is completely unreasonable to demand an invite. 40 people is not alot, it’s really not. That’s like only 20 couples- bride and groom have parents, a few siblings, some close family and friends- there’s 40.
Furthermore, their behavior is TOTALLY bizarre. It’s just wrong to create that type of drama. The bride and groom made a decision, they should respect that. What do they want to get out of it- an invite to a wedding their aren’t welcome at?
Post # 5
Unless the inlaws are particularly close with the bride and groom, they absoutely do not need to be invited. My SIL’s parents were at our wedding (in the hotel room, not the actual ceremony or reception space) because they were watching our niece but they certainly weren’t invited. We hardly know them and we had a strict “no strangers” policy. Younger sister and her inlaws sound like a bunch of whineasses.
Post # 6
We’re inviting my brother’s in-laws, but that’s just because they’re pretty much family to me. They have been super supportive of my brother since he met my SIL, and they were just as upset as we were when my mother passed away. I wouldn’t dream of not inviting them, but I know that we have a special relationship – Fiance was actually surprised when I said that they were most certainly not on the “cut list” for invites to the wedding. That being said, they were not expecting an invite, and were surprised when I mentioned that of course they were invited. For your friend’s Brother-In-Law to be freaking out is way out of line and quite honestly, odd.
Post # 7
Oh I misread–I thought you were talking about inviting your sibling-in-laws–like your brother/sister’s spouse–and I was like WTF? Why does this crazy zilla want to exclude her sibling’s spouses?
So–put me down for a no freaking way and take one vote off of the yes. I mean, if I were close to them and would want to invite them, then I would. But if I’ve met them once and barely know them, why would I invite them? Why would they even want to go?
And since it’s such a small wedding that is out of town–it’s insane that her sister and Brother-In-Law are freaking out about this–it’s obvious that it’s close friends and family only. Insisting that her in-laws are invited to this is more than a little bit crazy.
Post # 8
I think it really depends. In some cultures and families, a sibling’s in-laws are considered part of the immediate family. But I don’t think this is the norm in American culure. Honestly, I never would have even thought to invite them because I would consider them my sibling’s family, not my family.
Post # 9
My sister politely asked early on that her in laws be invited. Just her Father-In-Law, Mother-In-Law and Brother-In-Law. I agreed. I only met them twice? And they barely know my name. But their granddaughter (my niece) is in the wedding so I thought they may want to come see her flower girl debut so I agreed to invite them. They ended up not being able to attend.
On the other hand. My Future Sister-In-Law is supposedly allegedly getting married next year and I would never expect her to invite my family.
Post # 10
@UpstateCait: Just to clarify, from what my friend said, Younger Sister is just as mystified about this as the rest of her birth fam is. It’s apparently causing a fair amount of tension in her relationship with her Darling Husband, which just adds a whole extra layer of drama. 🙁
Post # 11
@zomgwut: Yeah, I realized that the wording would be complicated and perhaps misleading, but didn’t know any way better to say it than “siblings’ in-laws.” Older Sister is fine with having her siblings’ spouses there, as it should be!
Post # 12
I invited my BIL’s parents, but not just because they’re related to my Brother-In-Law. I invited them because I had personally known them many years and we had shared holidays with them at my sister’s house at least once or twice over the years. I would not have invited them if I’d only met them once.
I can’t imagine why they’re butthurt about this. People are weird?
ETA: I actually thought maybe it would be weird for me to invite them. I’d hoped they didn’t think I was just trying to gift grab, and I asked my sister’s advice before I sent the invite.
Post # 13
@Shosha1: This is exactly how we feel about the set that we’re inviting. We do holiday dinners with them, we see them at my nieces’ and nephews’ events all the time. They’re family, and they’re friends besides.
Post # 14
Haha I definitely did NOT. My brother’s inlaws are INSANE. Like probably clinically. Like we were amazed that no one got punched at their wedding. I avoid his inlaws at all costs and there is no way in hell I’d have invted them to our wedding.
Now, if I had any kind of relationship with my brother’s inlaws and/or liked them well I guess I would have. But I would never invite them purely by merit of them being his inlaws, I’d only invite them if our personal relationship merited an invite.
Post # 15
Yes we invited all the siblings’ in laws to our wedding regardless of their relationship to us personally. They are considered part of the extended family and we thought it would be rude not to invite them. We also saw it as an opportunity to build closer relationships with them.
Post # 16
My sisters aren’t married but they’re both in long term relationships. I would have never ever even THOUGHT of inviting their boyfriends’ parents. That would just be totally weird, in my opinion!