(Closed) Didn’t come, no card, no gift…

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
782 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

honestly, before I got engaged and starting reasearching weddings 24/7 I didn’t know that if you responded "no" or even if you were invited, that you’re supposed to still give a gift. Maybe people just don’t know?

Post # 4
Member
2143 posts
Buzzing bee

I had two people RSVP yes but didn’t come and I didn’t even get a "sorry we couldn’t make it" or even a congratulations from them, not on the phone or even on those social websites, let alone a card, so I definitely know how you feel.  (we had a small wedding too) It sucks, but oh well. You can never know what their reasons are, but it’s probably safe to say it’s nothing personal. Just shrug it off, like we did, and bask in your memories of the amazing day 🙂

Post # 5
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I know how you feel. There are a handful of people who didn’t respond except to say "no" for us, and even people who did come — but didn’t step aside to say a kind word or leave a card, much less a gift. I can tell that for you it’s not about the gift, and it’s not like that for me either, but a little congrats is always appreciated!!

Post # 6
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I didn’t know you were supposed to send a card/gift if you don’t attend the wedding.  It’s obviously a nice gesture but I didn’t really think it was required. 

Try to focus on all the people that were there to share your day!

Post # 7
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

That stinks that people cant even take the time to RSVP even if it is no. My Fiance friend who is getting married in 2 weeks called us because they thought we did not rsvp when in fact I sent the card 4 weeks ago. They later apologized the just put us in the mix with my Fiance other close friends who never rsvp. It is rude, you are spending the money on the invitation and even provide postage. That being said though, even though you are invited to a wedding whether or not you go or dont, you are NOT required to give a gift. At least thats what I researched and even found that on here. I usually do and its a nice gesture, but I know plenty of people who have gone to weddings and did not give gifts.

Post # 8
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I wouldn’t take it too personally – like some of the others I had no idea you’re supposed to send something even if you RSVP no.  They might just not be aware, or since they didn’t attend it might have just slipped their mind.  I’m sure they didn’t realize they might be doing something that would hurt your feelings!

Post # 9
Member
1044 posts
Bumble bee

I had no idea you were supposed to RSVP, just show up on the day of the wedding.  I didn’t find out till I started planning my own wedding. 

I know that some of my uncles, aunts, and cousins I would have liked to have come couldn’t come because they live in China, which is lightyears away from here and it costs each person almost $2000 just to fly out here.

So I wouldn’t really take it seriously.

Post # 10
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I disagree with the part where people should give a gift even if they don’t go.  If you want to give a gift, sure.  But why should someone feel obligated?  If that’s the case, what’s to keep people from inviting folks just for the gift?  (Ie. Out of Town you know won’t come.)  I just think it should be something to do, if you want.  There have been weddings I’ve declined, and haven’t sent a gift.  No regrets here.

In your case, chaikac, since it was a small wedding, and everyone invited was close to you, I can understand your feelings.  It’s not like you were inviting these random friends of your parents or cousins you’ve met twice in your life.

In general, I think couples should cut guests some slack.  It seems contradictory for a bride to feel slighted if guests decline (with or without a gift), but then feel people should be understanding if they don’t make the guest list, for whatever reason.  In both cases it boils down to the same thing.  People feeling like they’re not being valued by another person as much as they value that person.

Post # 11
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

I don’t expect people who do not come to give a gift (unless it’s an aunt or uncle, perhaps).  The worst is when people RSVP yes (after deadline, naturally), and then don’t bother to show up, let alone get us a gift.  So we pay for their meals and don’t receive anything in return!  Now that’s an expensive guest!

Post # 12
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

I don’t feel slighted when I receive a "no" response, it’s just when I don’t receive any response.

Post # 13
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I certainly do not expect people who do not come to the wedding to send a gift or a card. The few times I RSVP-ed no, I sent a card, that’s it.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, we are requesting no gifts and our wedding is not a small one.

Post # 14
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I didn’t know that you *should* send a gift if you RSVP no. Sometimes I RSVP no to acquaintences weddings for the sheer fact that I don’t WANT to get them a gift b/c they aren’t close enough for me to render spending the money on them. We’re talking people that I think i was invited to just to be invited, though. I wouldn’t worry too much about it though! It just sucks when people don’t acknowledge this big event in your life, right?

I do think it’s poopy when people RSVP yes then don’t come at all! Or no RSVP at all. C’mon, that’s just rude. It’s not so hard to do the online RSVP thing or call at 11am when we’re all at work =]

We had about 50 No’s to our wedding. I’ve received a sprinkling of gifts from small gift cards to hand crocheted (is that spelled right? I keep seeing crotch, lol) blankets and I mean like, 3. No biggee. 

I don’t think we should expect everyone on our list to necessarily send us gifts and/or phone calls and/or cards if they aren’t coming though. Nice gesture, but not necessary or expected. 

Post # 15
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

We had only one couple that did not come to the wedding actually send a gift. We had about 50% of our guests that DID come not bring a gift or even a card! We have had a few things roll in since the wedding, but still have not gotten ANYTHING from about 1/3 of the people that were AT our wedding. The biggest shocks were from couples whose weddings we had been to in the past year before ours and gave VERY generous gifts to them. I was amazed that people didn’t even spend the $1.99 to buy a card and would have appreciated the thought that they remembered where they were going and stopped on their way to our open bar.

It was only even since I started planning a wedding that I realized the importance of RSVPs and before then I probably would have never thought to even send a gift to a wedding we didn’t go to. I’m much more on top of things now that I’ve gone through it!

Post # 16
Member
5494 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2011

hmm I didn’t know that you were supposed to send a card and a gift if you RSVPed no.  I’ve never done that and I don’t think I would expect anyone to do that.  For example, if I was invited to a birthday and didn’t go I wouldn’t send a gift, (unless it was a VERY close friend).

Don’t get to upset over it.  I’m sure most people don’t know that they’re supposed to.

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