Post # 17
She needs to know FROM HER SON that there are rules and boundaries and he is no longer at her beck and call. She can’t stomp her feet like a child and expect everyone to do what she wants.
If you call her up and tell her, you’ll be the outsider “badguy”. He needs to put his foot down and say, “Mom, listen I appreciate that you called to invite us, but that day is really an important day for us to spend time reflecting on Mrs. Italian Lady’s mother and family. We’ll be able to see you X day instead, I hope you understand that this was a tragic thing that happened and I need to be there for Mrs. Italian lady.”
If she doesn’t get that, then I don’t know. You laid it down, she needs to concede.
Post # 18
@Italian Lady – My dad thought it was weird that I wrote an email to the parents with our plans and I had to remind him that it was him who taught me ALWAYS GET IT IN WRITING so that there’s no question! Haha!
But I did let my parents know the back story so they wouldn’t feel like the terse tone (which I tried reallllly hard to avoid) was directed at them… here’s what I sent:
I can’t believe it’s November already! The holidays will be here before we know it! On that topic, Darling Husband and I have talked, and have figured out a schedule that should work for us going forward for the holiday season.
As you know, we plan to alternate years for Thanksgiving Dinner and dessert. We also plan to alternate years for Christmas morning, opposite of our Thanksgiving plans.
For example, this year, we’ll be having Thanksgiving dinner with DH’s family, so Christmas “morning” will be with my immediate family (later in the morning, so we still have some time to ourselves in the morning at our own house to establish our own family traditions) to exchange gifts. Then we’ll head to MIL’s at 1:00pm for dinner and gift exchange with those clans, before heading to my aunt’s house for dessert and gift exchange with my extended side of the family around 5:30pm.
Next year, we’ll have Thanksgiving dinner in with my family, and Christmas “morning” at MIL’s (again, after our own time at home) to exchange gifts with the immediate family, eat and exchange gifts with the extended family and then head over to my aunt’s for time with my extended and immediate families.
Since we do not see Father-In-Law on Thanksgiving, we plan to continue to celebrate with that side of the family on Christmas Eve.
We think this will work for us as a holiday schedule going forward, and if/when we have children, we will only be making two stops – Christmas morning will be at home and we will see you all in the afternoon/evening.
See you soon!
Post # 19
Weddings, seriously, are about creating boundaries. You need to use the wedding (and these holidays) as a way to establish what is and what is not acceptable for your Mother-In-Law. I’m sure she’s done this to your Fiance throughout his entire life, and has not really been told no…until now. So, stick to your guns, and demand respect.
Post # 20
I can’t believe how insensitive she is being! I am SO SORRY about your mom. I lost my mom 2 weeks after I got engaged, so I can understand you want and need to be with the rest of your family. You and husband should stick to the plan you have as a team. Try not to let you Mother-In-Law get to you (easier said than done).
Post # 21
ok i am not usually one to quote the bible as i am not super religious but in preparing for the wedding i was skimming through our choices of readings and this is one that completely stands out to me:
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh”
Looks like Mother-In-Law needs to realize this too, there comes a time where you have to separate from your family and begin your own.
And that is all besides the point of WHY you want to spend Christmas with your family. i think that is very insenstive and selfish of her. Cheer up! think of all you have to be greatful for and that you have a great husband who is willing to stick by your side instead of cave into his mothers wishes. Stay Strong, i can only imagine how tough this is for you.
Post # 22
I just copied and saved that quote ! (Maybe I should post it on her facebook wall? LOL>>>JUST KIDDING!)
I am very grateful for hubby. Last night he kept repeating over and over “I know this is ridiculous and don’t worry, I’ll take care of it”. I feel bad for him actually.
A little history: She has always controlled him. Always. Whether he was single or seeing someone but I’m a strong willed Italian Lady 😉 and follow the idea in your quote (before even reading it here). My parents were the same way as were their parents, and down the line it goes.
But I guess the real point is
1. her insensitivity
2. the fact that she assumes our plans for us
Post # 23
@Italian Lady – I agree, those two bullets are EXACTLY the point. And you should not let her get away with it – wield that strong Italian will!!! 🙂 I have a few choice Italian words I’d use to describe her…
Post # 24
Oh the nerve! I wouldn’t even repeat again what your guys’ plans are for Christmas. You are going to spend it with your family and thats THAT! I do feel bad for your husband. It must be hard to deal with a mother so difficult! You know your very strong for even considaring sharing a Christmas with your Mother-In-Law since she not even considarate enough to realize how important it is for you to be with your family this year. I have made a vow that I will never be such a horrible Mother-In-Law. I have horrible ones too hun. I guess we all can’t get the good ones….
Ps. I am also very sorry for your loss and wish you nothing but the best and warm thoughts for you and your family this Christmas.
Post # 25
You are all very kind and thank you once again.
I’ll keep you posted. Hubby is calling her on his lunch to find out if she would like us to bring take-out and spend Christmas Eve with her since she “won’t feel like cooking that day” I assume she’ll give in but won’t like it.
Or maybe she’ll still say no? Frankly – if she still says no, I say “YAY !”
As for Christmas Day – we are sticking to our guns
As far as this saturday? – ditto
We did far too much for the wedding to appease her and it got us nowhere. Time to stand up for our “little family” (hubby and I)
Post # 26
AMEN sister!!! You stand up for yourself. She hasn’t learnt to let go of her little baby it sounds like to me. Hopefully this will help her to see you two aren’t push overs.
I’m so sorry for your loss I’m sure this hasn’t/isn’t a very good time for you and your family, but I will be praying for you! I’m glad your man is so supportive.
Post # 27
So sorry to hear that about your Mom. 🙁 My sincerest sympathies on your loss.
Your Mother-In-Law is being a difficult cranky old meanie pants who apparently has NO tact, common sense, or even basic decency.
Stick to what you and your husband agreed to do this year. This is a really emotionally charged event, especially this year. Your Mother-In-Law just needs to deal. It’s really not up for discussion is it? I didn’t think so. 🙂 I remember going through the the first anniversary of my FI’s mother’s death and it was just an extremely emotional time. It’s awful. I feel for you 🙁
I will suggest, though, since her excuse is not wanting to make a big meal on Christmas Eve – could you possibly offer to make a small dinner on Christmas Eve instead of having her cook?
Post # 28
Thank you!!!. And we’re on it ! hubby is suggesting we get take-out so she dosen’t have to cook Christmas Eve, we can still visit and then see my family on Christmas Day.
Will keep you all posted. Should be interesting, lol
Post # 29
I am so sorry for your loss.
Stick to your guns, 110%. Your Mother-In-Law is being cruel and unfeeling and she needs to be snapped into reality. The reality is that her being “tired” doesn’t trump your need to be with YOUR family. Sorry, there isn’t a universe in which she should be getting her way.
Beyond the boundary issues, the fact that she cannot see why you and your hubs being with YOUR family on Christmas Day this year is non-negotiable boggles the mind.
Post # 30
@ItalianLady: First, I’m sorry for the loss of your Mom.
That said, I don’t get that your Mother-In-Law is “trying” to make things difficult for you, it just seems like she has her own (perhaps disorganized or on the fly) way of doing things and she’s inadvertently stepping on your toes. And yes, perhaps she could be more sensitive about the anniversary of your Mother’s death but realize that she’s not as raw about it as you are.
You’ve already told her you have plans this weekend and on Christmas day. She can adapt or she can get upset – that’s on her.
I’m not trying to discount your feelings but rather encouraging you to keep things in perspective. She may be rough around the edges but she raised the man you love so she can’t be all bad.
Post # 31
@lisa105: I appreciate all opinions. And if this were an isolated incident, I might TRY to look at it your way.
But when someone has gone out of their way for almost a year now to “make things difficult”, I would have to say she is making things difficult.