Post # 1
Hi everyone, I was going to put this in emotional, but I thought it might be more accepted here. I am willing to take any suggestions, ideas, or listen to anyone’s experience on this matter. I am at my wits end here.
So here is the story. For the past 5 months I have adopted a new, healthier lifestyle. I have changed my eating habits and I have been having great results. I have lost 70 pounds, but I have about another 50 to go. No cutting corners, no pills or surgery- blood, sweat, and hard work here! So the issue is my FI. When we met we were both heavy, and we were OK with that because that was who we were. A few failed attempts as a couple to lose weight over the two years we have been together I believe is starting to cause problems with us now. As I have been losing weight, he has gottne heavier. I love him to death, and I don’t want to change him at all. I don’t push or impose my eating habits upon him because I know weight loss is something that needs to be done for yourself for the right reasons. I know when he is ready, he will take charge and do it. Until then it seems his life mission is to torture me! He is the kindest and sweetest person I know but he sabotages me at every turn.
For instance, he calls me when I am driving home and asks me to get him ice cream from the store. This is hard for me because I’m going to want to get some for myself, and I am hungry at this point because we haven’t had dinner yet. He gets mad at me because he says I’m out already, I should just stop and get him some. He has the time to buy his own ice cream. Other times he climbs into bed at night and eats chocolate or chips and offers me some every 2 mins. Other times he insists on going out to eat at a place where he knows I have a hard time finding something on the menu that tastes good and is healthy, rather than going to one of the other ten places that has food for both of us. I have tried to talk to him about this like 10 times already. When I ask him why he does it, he denies that he is sabotaging me. He gets angry and tells me that I should be able to handle it since I should be able to exercise will power. I could see if I were refusing to go out with our friends becasue of my “diet”. Or if no one else can have something because I can’t. Not the case. He can order and eat anything he wants every night of his life, it doesn’t bother me.
Bees… I have iron will power all day at work. I live in a land of people eating and snacking and offering every minute. Instead I choose to eat my salads, fruits and veggies. I look at home as a place where I should be able to be with the one person that is sensitive to my weaknesses. He tells me that I look beautiful in my new clothes. I can guess he might sabotage my diet because he is insecure of the “what if’s” What if I lose weight and find him not attractive anymore, or if someone finds me attractive after weight loss. Not the case at all, and I have told him so. He keeps with the sabotage. How can I deal with him? I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m really starting to resent his behavior. Does he want to see me fail? What gives?
Post # 3
Have you tried talking to him about needing is support?
Tell him what you need from him. Tell him you are not asking him to change his diet, but you will no longer be stopping for junk food for him. Ask him to no offer you any food he has that is not fruit or healthy.
But be sure to let him know that you love him, that you want him to show his love for you, the love you know he has, in the form of support.
He probably sees food as a form of love (IE offering you the “bad” food) and he probably feels bad that you are losing and he is gaining. He may not be afraid of the what-ifs, but he probably is feeling a little left out, or not good enough because you are doing the “right thing” and he feels he is not to some degree.
Post # 4
First off, CONGRATS ON LOSING 70 LBS AND ALL THAT WILLPOWER!
Now for a bit of advice. I definitely think he’s sabotaging. At the very least, he’s not being supportive which he should be. He should not be asking you to stop and buy him ice cream or to go to a place where you can’t get something healthy to eat.
I also think you need to ask yourself a REALLY BIG question. Can the two of you lead two completely different lives? Here you are living a healthy lifestyle – healthy food, working out, etc.. and here he is living the COMPLETE opposite. One of you is eventually going to give in or it’s not going to work. It’s just TWO different lifestyles. I don’t see how they can go hand-in-hand, but the other bees might be able to correct me if I’m wrong. I’m sure it can last for SOME time, just not forever.. and I think that’s something you need to take into consideration.
I think you need to sit him down and have a serious talk with him. Tell him that you need his support and while you have willpower, you’re only human. Your number 1 supporter should be him. And maybe he’s not trying to sabotage your diet consciously, he’s still doing it by not supporting you in the way he’s eating around you.
I also really think you need to ask yourself why he’s so intent on having you fail. I’m sure you’ve TOLD him that you’re not going to leave him even if he doesn’t change the way he eats, but let’s be real – just because you said it doesn’t mean he’ll feel secure in the relationship. Also, perhaps your healthy eating habits make him feel guilty about his unhealthy ways?
Plus, I’m sure you guys eating unhealthy together was a LOT more fun. I know that’s an issue FI and I have since I’ve changed back to a healthy lifestyle to lose the weight I’ve gained in the past year+ – it’s so much less fun to cook something healthy or order a salad than to grab taco bell and pig out together on a bucket of ice cream.
Either of the three reasons (jealousy, guilt, or missing the fun) I mentioned above can be fixed by him adopting the same lifestyle (or being more supportive, but eventually he will have to adopt, because I really feel 2 people cannot lead 2 different lifestyles).
I really wish you the best of luck in this – congrats again for the weight you’ve lost and good luck on the last 50!!!
Post # 5
I woudl ask him to go to counseling with you. He is probably jealous that you are losing weight and he may start to worry that you aren’t happy with him when you are much thinner than he is. Plus, do you want him to do this with your kids? I think it’s important to both be healthy and support each other, I would nip this in the bud asap.
Post # 6
Thank you all for your responses. I guess I need to really sit him down and convey the seriousness of this situation. There is no denying that eating together was lots more fun than being healthy. We would eat anything and everything we wanted- and it was fun of course. What wasn’t fun was how my self esteem was low, and how out of shape I felt from my poor eating habits. We want to start a family soon after we marry, so I know that being healthier and having my weight under control will make for a much safer and easier pregnancy rather than being high risk because of my weight.
I am kind of worried where this will end up when you really think of how this is two different lifestyles. I really disliked how I felt and how I looked before I changed my eating habits. I really don’t want it to be me that gives in. I want to be healthy for myself, and future child(ren). I don’t want to be an out of shape mom that can’t care for my children or can’t keep up with them because of poor eating choices. I worry about how he will keep up when we do have children, but I’m kind of scared to bring up counseling because I kind of feel like that would be imposing my new habits on him. I feel in a way that he thinks I’m betraying him by changing for the healthier now. I almost feel guilty for being healthier- but then I catch myself and remember that I am not doing anything wrong. Losing weight is so much more than just will power aganist food- there is so much emotional baggage that comes along with it!
Post # 7
@CinderellaSoon: Honey, I feel your pain. I am VERY hard on myself with a goal of “only” 30 lbs to lose (but it’s SO hard to lose). I cried whenever my FI and I had to go out because none of my clothes fit me and I didn’t look good in anything. I cancelled TONS of plans with friends to sit at home because I didn’t want to go out looking the way I did. I had such low self-esteem, so I totally understand where you’re coming from. It’s one of the worst feelings; I was super depressed. I think it’s pretty normal to feel that way – maybe I’m a bit obsessed because I didn’t have “much” to lose, but I’m only 5’2, so 30lbs is a lot on my short frame.
What is so wrong about wanting to impose your new healthy lifestyle on him? Understand that he will not change unless he wants to, but really, he should want to. There is nothing good about eating unhealthy foods. You’re totally right to be concerned about keeping up with your kids and setting a good example. It’s the same concerns I have, as well.
I think these are all valid concerns for you to have and for you to bring up with him. I wish yuo the best of luck!!
Post # 8
Honestly, this sounds very worrying to me. You’re absolutely right that he should be your biggest supporter and this behavior is definitely not supportive.
I think you need to convey the seriousness of this problem and see a counselor together. He may not really see how this is making you feel.
I would be very concerned about the affect his attitude could have on your future children. Imagine how hard it will be with you trying to set a good example with exercise and healthy eating only to have their dad show them, and encourage them, to do the exact opposite?
You’re right that he probably feels betrayed because you have changed your lifestyle but you know you’ve made the right choice and congratulations for sticking with it. It’s a big accomplishment and you should be proud. You seem like you have a really good attitude so please don’t let him get in the way of your progress. He should want you to succeed.
Post # 9
Congrats on your weight loss and lifestyle change. It’s a difficult thing to do. I agree that you need to sit him down and have a conversation with him. You both should discuss your goals as far as health and make sure you are on the same page. He may be discouraged or feel lik the challenge is too tough. Not sure, but if you ask him and listen, he may tell you. I wish you the best and congrats again.
Post # 10
I wanted to give adifferent perspective. I am very heavy and my soon to be fiancé is really fit. I am a lot more sedentary than he is (but really, most people are…he works out a lot!). You could say we live different life styles. This does not change his love for me. And I am super proud of him for taking care of his body. In fact, he has give such a good example, that I have recently started changing my eating habits, and go for walks at least 3 times a week. I feel proud of this. But we have been together for 3 years. This change just started happening. I just wanted to say this because I want you to know that yes, you can live two different health lifestyles, and be happy together. Once you get over this hurdle, which I agree with PP in that you MUST address this, you can be happy and in love. And who knows, you might influence him for the better as my bf has influenced me. 🙂
Post # 11
Also from another perspective- DH is super fit and eats really well. I go through stages of eating really well and then not eating so well. When I am eating unhealthy, I want him to eat unhealthy too as it makes me feel better. I know that is awful but if he is eating the same junk, he can’t judge me.
Post # 12
@CinderellaSoon: I think sometimes eating the ‘unhealthy’ foods is less fun when you are doing it all alone. I hope you’ve had a chance to talk to him about all of this, because my guess is he doesn’t realize how hurtful his behavior is. I think someone else already mentioned this – but you need to tell him how his behavior makes you feel and what you need. Be specific: “Honey, it’s really hurtful to me when you know I’m trying to stay away from sugar and you offer me chocolate.” “I need for you to not offer me foods I’m staying away from.”
I went through a whole spectrum of opinions on this (unhealthy food in the house). At first, I banned them, then I felt guilty about not having them, then I’d buy them and binge on them, and now I just don’t buy them. If DH buys them, I stay away from them, but I don’t forbid them. I just don’t buy them… and since I do most of the shopping, guess what – it’s (usually) not in the house.
I don’t like buying them anymore because I know it’s not healthy for DH. I know he still eats crap at work, and that’s his choice….
As far as restaurants go – sometimes I give a little and go to ones that he loves that don’t have much for me on the menu (like his favorite pizza place) – but, those are every once in awhile vs every week… and, I figure, one night of pizza will not mess me up, if I’ve been on track the rest of the week/month, etc.