Post # 1
OK- I had a tough “waiting” day yesterday, and it led me to this board and all my posts over the last 24 hours. I’ve been thinking and thinking about it, and I think I may come up with a different approach.
I 80% expected to be engaged this Christmas, and, to much disappointment, it did not happen. Two weeks before, we had a big talk, I kind of well- freaked out – and he told me to not worry, be patient, its coming…blah blah blah. He was pretty upset with me bringing it up and it felt like maybe I had “ruined” it for him.
So I was thinking today…maybe I will tell him I want to be engaged by my 30th birthday? That gives him just under 2 full years to do it so it may feel like the pressure is off a bit and he won’t be freaking out. I know he will agree to it, and it will give me a bit of comfort knowing not to expect it right away but at the same time giving me some type of control over the situation. My only concern is he will actually wait until my 30th birthday!
Part of me also hopes that if he feels the pressure is off…he may do it sooner to surprise me? Gah…maybe I’m already botching my plan! Ha.
What do you guys think?
Post # 3
I think that kind of plan is ok as long as you are actually willing to wait that long. Otherwise, you could just do it mentally and try to put it out of your mind until then. From the sounds of it it sounds like he’s probably already planning to propose by then.maybe just mention that you would like to be engaged by then if it naturally comes up in a conversation, that’s what I would do.
Post # 4
@BOSOXfan07: After having the my so called timeline talk with my SO I have decided to no longer bring it up again…he knows what I want I don’t need to bring it up again. I think you should do the same, your SO knows you want marriage now let him be and don’t bring it up again.
Post # 5
I agree, I wouldn’t tell him you’re okay with waiting until you are 30 unless you genuinely are alright with that. If he did end up waiting until you were 30, would you resent him for it? I think being open about the process would save you and him from more stress than trying to strategize things to do that may help the process along. Especially if you hold hopes that doing this might make him propose sooner. It could easily backfire.
Besides, if sounds like he’s working on it anyway? If you talking to him about it recently really did ‘ruin’ it, then he had probably been intending to propose REALLY soon. I don’t think many guys would then delay a proposal by two years, but he might if you tell him you are okay not getting engaged before you are thirty.
Post # 6
Sorry to hear you had a tough waiting day. I’ve had bad waiting days before and so I can kind of understand how miserable waiting can be. I hope you’re doing better today. Since you are new to the boards, I’m not sure if you have read these threads:
How To Approach ‘The Waiting’ Period In Your Life http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/how-to-approach-the-waiting-period-in-your-life#ixzz2pkvIUaRq
Mr. Bee’s Three Step Plan (and Backup Plan) http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/mr-bees-three-step-plan-and-backup-plan-for-getting-engaged#ixzz2pkvQoZdb
Post # 7
I don’t know if you should give him a full two years… Maybe 1 year? I had my talk with my boyfriend last christmas holiday (together 6 years now) and set a timeline to propose by the end of 2013 which he chose not to meet. Now I am stuck trying to decide what to do about it (stay? go? new timeline?) as obviously conversations dont work for us. I think with whatever you decide be very clear what your expectations are then back off and trust him to do his thing. But have a reaction for yourself if you reach the end of the timeline and he hasnt yet proposed.
Post # 8
Oh wow…. did you know he wasn’t going to meet it, or were you thinking it must be coming on New Years Eve?
I’m thinking I need to have a better timeline talk… when I was thinking about having a timeline talk last year, he had told me he was going to propose in Mexico last July… so I kinda stopped the talk and assumed that was my timeline. Well our trip came and went with no proposal. I did get mad and eventually said something during an argument last fall. His response was, “oh yeah, I did say that didn’t I… I just decided it was too corny and cliche, but it is coming soon”. I’ve had a few moments in the past few months after too many drinks and I bring it up… he always seems to say it is coming soon… I think it is time I get a timeline on what he considers “soon”
Post # 9
This is tough. I feel for you. Mine isn’t quite as severe, but when we got a house together I expressed concerns about not being engaged. He told me to give him six months, so I kept my mouth shut and waited. That was a year ago. What are you thinking of doing? I feel like it’s a really hard thing, what is most important?
@countant819: I hate the “soon” word! Its so vague! Soon in his mind could be the next couple years! Sometimes it just kills you. When I had my little freak out, I had told him I was upset because I was thinking the proposal was more on the “weeks to couple months” side, and it obviously wasn’t. He was pissed! He’s all, “what gave you that idea?!” Oh gee, I don’t know…you told me SOON!
Post # 10
XD God bless I feel with you ladies! I shouldn’t laugh but my SO too is a ‘it will be soon’ guy! It feels nice to not be the only woman rolling her eyes at the language. I managed to get a vague timeline. After which I thought in my head ‘wait… This is nowhere near ‘soon’!’ It was so frustrating the first couple timeline talks I tried. I’d tell him what I was thinking, ask what he thought, it’d go like this:
Me: So, what do you think about what I said?
Him: I understand.
Him: *silently stares at ceiling*
Me: … Um, I meant the time I set out. Do you agree with it? Do you think we are on the same page in terms of when to move forward?
Him: Yes, I believe so, it’ll be soon…
Me: (I almost breath a sigh of relief UNTIL)
Him: Yeah, it could be around that time. Before or after. I’m not sure which. You know, soon.
Me: *envisions evil things to do to SO’s video games and then tell him I’m replace them ‘soon’
Man! That’s a difficult situation. I wasn’t exactly in that but when my SO finally came out with what he was thinking in his head it was a minimum of eight months after my personal set walk date, maximum of over a year. It was a hard decision to make, as I come with some bad history over engagements. I decided for us though that I am still young enough to give him more time. It wasn’t easy because I felt like I was betraying myself. In the end I felt I’d made the right decision for me. It was REALLY hard compromising that, I felt so guilty for feeling like I let myself down, feeling like I was too hard on him, feeling like I didn’t love him enough to set a walk date in the first place and feeling like I loved him too much for giving in! Its definitely a very personal decision though. Do what you feel is going to be the best decision for the rest of your life and make you happy and fulfilled. And please keep us updated!
Post # 11
Sorry to hear about your waiting frustrations! We’ve all been there (at least, most of us in the waiting hive have lol)!!
I agree with @Squirrelz15:
if you are willing to wait that long then sure, why not? I’m sure it would be helpful to take the edge off your guy.
I can share my situation: I wanted to be married by 30, at least engaged by 30, and guess what–my SO knew this, and kept telling me after 1 year of dating that it would happen (I was then 28). He was supposed to be done with his personal life goals (like of finishing school, getting his dream job)… and then I turned 30, he didn’t finish his goals and the engagement didn’t happen. AND I HAD A FRIGGIN’ MELTDOWN And it made turning 30 very hard for me and 2013 the worst year of my life, wasted in pity parties and time that I can’t get back. Don’t be like me!!
I would suggest that the best thing for you is to just focus on what is good about your relationship and your guy, and make sure he is the one. If he is, it really shouldn’t matter if he proposes 2 months, 2 years, or 5 years from now. Things happen when they are supposed to and not just because you want them to.
Hang in there and stay strong!!
Post # 12
I have no idea really what I am going to do… look for advice on weddingbee haha. I think much of my issue comes from the fact that I am usually so independent and in control that ‘letting the chips fall where they may’ is hard, I think for may women who these days are strong and empowered it is a difficult thing. I doubt id ever leave him so an ultimatum is useless but he has promised that it would happen this year (after his sister’s wedding in March) so maybe I wont need one :). How are you dealing with any resentment or disappointment? I feel I have absolutely no excitement left…
Post # 13
Things happen when they are supposed to and not just because you want them to.
What great advice! Ill try to keep that in mind myself!
I do think though when you’re talking to your partner about moving forward with your relationship these days it is right for both of you to have an opinion and be comfortable with how the relationship is progressing, like equals. After all, you will hopefully be together for the rest of your lives as equals supporting each other in pursuing your deams etc…
I am SO guilty of the freak out but I think it really is fair to be able to know that your boyfriend is thinking about a future with you and planning an engagement in a time that youre both able to be excited for.